Always a Blogsmaid

Parents: Can't We All Just Get Along?

The Q: I'm sure i'm not the only bride with this issue but I can't seem to  find any good ideas on the web...  My parents recently divorced (and it was a nasty one).  However, I  always imagined my father walking me down the aisle.  Also, my father and I will do the traditional father daughter dance.  How can I honor my mother?
 Thanks for any advice! Also if you could point me to any other advice about dealing with angry divorced parents I would greatly appreciate it.

The A:  You are so right. Just on this blog, I've had so many questions involving divorced parents.  Here is the thing, no matter how contentious the divorce, they will want to do their very best to not freak out or freak you out on the wedding day. That said, you should always be up front about your plans in the very beginning and tell them each not only THEIR role, but also the role the other parent will have- surprises in this sensitive area often make for bad moments on wedding days.

So, in terms of the aisle, often in this situation with my clients, I borrow from Jewish tradition and suggest that both parents walk you down the aisle together.  They can put their differences aside for long enough to get you down the aisle.  If that isn't what you had in mind, then I would suggest that when you get to the end of the aisle, before you are 'given away', your mother should get up from her seat and meet you at the front of the aisle and walk you (with your dad) those final steps.  After he lifts your veil (if you are wearing one) you can kiss them both and they can both warmly greet your fiance.  

I would suggest for the reception that if you are dancing with your dad, you NOT have him make any toasts and instead offer that opportunity up to your mother.  It should be a toast early on in the evening.  This has worked well for many clients and even for one of my dear friends... after her mother's toast we segued into her dance with her dad and it was a beautiful moment with her parents whose divorce had been quite lengthy.

Another option that we've seen BRIDES do  (never seen a groom do this) is to dance  with their mothers as well as their fathers, and literally split the song. It's not "traditional", but it gives them both a moment in the sun. 

And don't forget, if you want to make mom feel more special, the dress, the getting ready portion of the day, the hair and make up.... these are all a time for ladies where you can really have some special time together.

I don't know if I have other sites to suggest (other than the knot or brides.com's etiquette columns) but here are some old posts here from other readers with similar issues:  A general list of do's and don'ts for parents who don't get on well.  Another is dealing with getting down the aisle.

I know this is stressful, and no one wants to be a bridezilla, but at some point, if it starts to become a little too much about them and their issues, remind them that this is not about their relationship.  This day is about YOUR relationship and (in the nicest, lovingest way possible) let them know they might need to suck it up for one, sure to be wonderful, day.  

Holiday and Family Stress

The Q: I recently got engaged (about a month before Thanksgiving) and was completely overwhelmed by the number of wedding questions everyone was asking me at Thanksgiving.  I sort of wanted to take my time with this.... Anyway, my fiance and I haven't really made much progress in the last few weeks and I'm not sure how to deal with all the questions, questions when we see them all for Christmas.  How can I politely get them off my back?

The A:  It's a tricky thing... I think a lot of brides feel that their enthusiasm for wedding planning somehow is related to their degree of love and excitement about the marriage and it isn't (AT ALL).  Plus, there is always that nagging feeling that maybe you SHOULD be doing something more about the wedding and you are messing everything up...So it's coupling bridal sensitivity with what's perceived as a generally  fun topic of conversation for a group:  wedding planning.  "What bride doesn't want to talk about their wedding?" kind of thing.

I would say that you can either opt to completely table it for 2008 and say to your family:  "You know, we haven't really put a lot of thought into it yet.  We wanted to just enjoy being engaged over the holidays and start the planning in 2009."  For the most part, people will accept that.  But the important thing is to not seem insensitive.  It's even OK to say, "I was so overwhelmed with it, I didn't want to start until the New Year."

Your other option is the use this time to gather addresses and information, and that in and of itself will make it seem like you are at least thinking about something.  In which case you say "We really haven't thought about what we're going to do, but while we're here, do you have the family addresses that you can send me/ print for me?  We're not sure yet how large a wedding it might need to be."  And so on and so forth.   But beware:  if you and your fiance haven't had any basic wedding "talks", opening up this talk to your families could be a recipe for disaster and TOO many opinions (My Big Fat Greek Wedding comes to mind)

Best of luck and remember, there is NOTHING wrong with easing into the wedding planning process!
 

The Sticky Ex Situation

The Q: This is so very, very weird, but my fiance has an ex-girlfriend.  It's not that he invited her or anything like that, but, I just received my RSVP's and she is coming as the guest of one of my friends!  Talk about small world. I don't know what to do, because I know it shouldn't matter, but they dated for a fairly long time.  I haven't mentioned this to anyone yet, except for my fiance, and he felt like it didn't matter to him if she was there.  Should I ask my friend not to bring her?

The A:  Wow!  It IS a small world.  The occasionally jealous woman in me would venture to say almost suspiciously small, but no one loves a cynic, right? Anyway, I think I wouldn't make a HUGE deal out of it, because it's not like your future Hubby invited her and it's not like she even came to show up through a friend of his.  That said, totally worth a casual phone call to your friend to say, in your most forced nonchalant voice "O, so weird- I just got your RSVP and did you know that So and So dated (insert fiance's name here) back in the day."  Chances are, he'll be as surprised as you are, and it's even possible that the girlfriend herself didn't realize whose wedding she was going to be attending.  Your friend will probably ask if you are OK with him bringing her, and you need to be prepared to say either "Well, it is a little weird, but if it's serious between you two, what do I care?" or "No, not weird at all." or "Yes, too weird for words, leave her at home and I'll sit you with my cousin Clara."   I would probably gauge my feelings based on his reaction.   

If it so turns out that he did know about the sticky history, well.... you may want to write to me again.  Kidding.  I think if he did know, you may want to say that he should check with her that she doesn't feel awkward.   

Ultimately, not knowing the players involved or their personalities, it's hard to totally guide you, but my step A would be the non-offensive phone call and possibly simply not caring.  Happily it looks like all parties involved have found happiness.

The Dress Mess

Thursday, one of our clients called with every bride's nightmares. She went to her final fitting and, once the dress was the right size and fit, they noticed a defect in the dress. Or, I should say, she and her sister and the seamstress noticed. The owner of the salon seemingly "could not see" the issue when she came into the shop the next day. The Bride left the fitting frazzled, since no one seemed to offer up or see any possible ways to fix the issue of crooked beading. We went back to the salon with her to see the gown, meet with the owner (who we knew) and talk with the seamstress. We were amazed at how RUDE and tense the interaction was. To me, it was her dress, and she is a just a few days away from being a blushing bride. How could "rudeness" help the situation at all. In fact, it inspired me to write a post on how to best deal with Wedding Dress Messes.. 1. Stay Calm. Don't freak out, or raise your voice. Yes it was expensive and Yes, it needs to be perfect (and deserves to be), but freaking out inspires panic and panic doesn't inspire solutions. Make it clear that you are dissatisfied and that you want a resolution. 2. Identify the Problem Clearly. is a defect from the manufacturer? Is it an issue with the fittings? Did the dress become stained in the store's possession. It seems obvious, but sometimes I Ding the issue is the clearest way to make the solution obvious. in this case the issue was a slight defect, but because of the time crunch we had to find resolutions the seamstress could implement. 3. Clearly and calmly ID potential ways of resolving the conflict. Before you take (or leave) your gown at the shop in a huff, ID the solutions to the manager or owner. it may be that they fix the gown, replace the gown, send the gown to another tailor to fix and refund your fitting fee or simply refund some or all of your money and you find a solution on your own, but its important for you to tell them what YOU see as the options for fixing your own dress mess. Often bride's get flustered and stressed and leave wedding conflict with less than the best resolution because they need to "be done" with the conflict. get control of the situation by giving your shop owner options that work for you instead of the other way around. 95 percent of the time gowns arrive perfect and ready to go and even when they don't 99 percent of the time your gown salon will want to bend over backwards to fix it. If that doesn't seem to be your case, hopefully the tips above will work. Our bride just sent us a happy text saying that she picked up her gown and was happy we'd been able to work out a solution that made it work for her!

Out Out Damn Spot!

The Q: What do we do if I get a stain on my wedding dress?

Whenever I can unpretentiously quote Shakespeare in a blog post, I'm secretly thrilled.  This weekend, we happily worked on the wedding of Debbie and Sonny- an awesome couple who married at a scenic golf course in one of 3 wedding celebrations!    I got the call I dread though before they even left the hotel room!  There was a spot, a GREASY spot, on one of the bridesmaids dresses.  I thought, it would be a great service to offer a mini lesson (from Martha Stewart) on how to treat spots on most wedding fabrics!

* Grease Stains/Oil - For an oily mark, blot with talcum powder.  For a greasier mess, try using rubbing alcohol on the area. For a bridesmaids dress (not a white bridal gown) if this doesn't work, use DAWN dishwashing liquid.
* Ink Stains.  Evaluate how bad the stain is.  Hairspray and a toothbrush works, but I would just let things lie on your wedding dress.
*Make up- CLUB SODA!!!!
* Chalk!  Sometimes chalk can delicately cover up a mark of dirt, at least long enough to get you down the aisle.
* You should avoid (on most wedding gowns or bridesmaids gowns) bleach pens, or anything like that which might damage the fabric.

Do you have any great tips to share for stain removal?

Rich Bride, Poor Bride: A Mother's Dilemma

The Q: I'm the mother of a groom who is getting married in a few months as well as the mother of a daughter who just recently got engaged. While I'm very excited for both of my children, I'm more than a bit stressed out particularly because their weddings will be only months apart from one another and my son's future wife is from a very wealthy family. They are planning a wedding which will be the talk of our entire town, and inviting literally hundreds of people. I on the other hand am a single mother and really don't have the ability to do anything nearly as lavish for my daughter. And while I am doing everything that I can, I don't know how to not make this seem like a competition for my daughter and her future sister-in-law. Any advice?

The A: Hmm, while I totally see your anxiety, I think that a lot of this may not yet even be happening, and it may just be your own desire to see both of your children happy/ your stress about not wanting your daughter to feel second rate. I think that feeling "second rate" per se, is so much more about attitude than about riches and I think that you should lavish your daughter with wedding attention if you cannot create something literally lavish. She will probably appreciate that more anyway.

However, I would like to say that it might be worth your while to have a quiet conversation with your son to tell him that you are SO excited about his wedding and his bride, but since his sister's wedding will be a more modest affair, you hope he won't mind if you focus your energies on helping her make her wedding day special while you take care of your "mother of the groom responsibilities" for him. Those responsibilities include wearing beige, dancing with your son and hosting the rehearsal dinner.

I think he and your FDIL should understand that your role as MOB is a demanding one, but it's up to you to NOT let this play out like a home based version of Rich Bride, Poor Bride. Attention to detail and thought are the things that make a wedding special, not the guest list or the size of the budget. The less of an issue you make out of being a have-not, so to speak, the less it will bug your daughter.

Conflicting Destination Drama

The Q: My fiance and I got engaged back in early April. We quickly picked a date, a general location, created a website and contacted many of our guests, so they could keep up to date with our planning.

My fiance's sister got engaged about a month ago, so about 2 months after we did. We are very excited for them, as the four of us are very close.

So now, my FSIL is starting to plan her wedding. She's now narrowing in on a date only 3 short weeks after ours. We both are doing destination weddings (not out of the country, but destination to all of our guests, and ourselves).

Obviously, my fiance's side of the family guest list is the same as hers.
Now we're put in a bad spot. His family and family friends will have to choose... to go to one, to go to both, or not go to either. My fiance is very upset about this, his sister doesn't seem to care if these people come
or not. His mother is very upset and is urging her to move the date.

We don't know what to do. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end, but two destination weddings 3 weeks apart is a bit much to ask. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? Thanks!

The A: Wow! OK, the thing is that it seems that everyone has actually made their feelings clear to your FSIL, including your MIL and your Fiance, so short of something really intense (like threatening to boycott it or something ridiculous) you cant force her to move it. Unless of course your in laws are paying, in which case they can withhold finds for the day. they don't even have to be jerks about it- participating in two children's weddings back to back like that is a financial expense for them too!                                         But, assuming that your FSIL is going to move ahead anyway, I think the question becomes WHY she doesn't care if no one comes? Perhaps she picked this date in the hopes of getting "lost" in the excitement of your plans and not have to be the focus of attention. Its possible that she is hoping that no one comes b/c she really wants a small wedding, but feels pressured to invite more people.  I think it might be helpful to say to her instead of "don't", "why?"  if what she really wants is just a small. tiny affair without all the family and extended guest list, perhaps everyone can let her feel OK about that and she might be more open to having her wedding her way (small, less family) without creating stress and anxiety amongst your family and guests.....

The Non-Bridesmaid Dilemma

The Q:  You always come through with great advice, so I need your help.  I have a problem and I don't quite know how to deal with it.  I have a good friend from college and she is one of my bridesmaids.  We aren't as close as we used to be, but I thought we were still good friends.  She is getting married a week after me.  She had told me before that she only wanted to have one bridesmaid at her wedding.  I didn't ask who her bridesmaid was because I didn't want to have an awkward conversation.  As it turns out, she is having several and I am not one of them.  It just really hurts my feelings and I feel like it puts a damper on the pre-wedding festivities.  Do you have any advice on how to deal with it?  Also - she is not the type to "talk things out."  She has just always been that way.

The A:  Wow.  This is awkward, hmm?  And it must feel hurtful, so for that I'm kind of sorry. 

I don't know who got engaged first, as it's possible that she didn't ask you to be in her bridal party as a point of consideration for your own hectic schedule.  However, the fact that she never addressed that fact with you or explained to you that she was having a bridal party at all doesn't make that seem likely.

The thing is that if she isn't the type to talk about things, it's going to be hard to address it directly without the tension of dual wedding stress getting the better of both of you.  I think that the path of least resistance is the hardest to mentally deal with, because that would basically require you to just say to your self "You know what, she's around in my bridal party, but clearly we aren't as close as I thought, so I'm just going to say that she's a fun person to have around (hopefully she is) and I'm happy she'll be at my shower/ hen night, etc".

Frankly though, I would just decide to myself that she is in YOUR bridal party because her friendship in the past meant a lot to YOU and that you chose your maids  based on people whose relationships were critcial to you over time and not just right now.  I think if you accept why you selected her and realize that she used her own criteria and was subject to different politics than you were, it may be best to just enjoy the fact that you have a gaggle of girls around you on your wedding day that have been there for you over various stages of your life.  Then you can just enjoy the fact that the next weekend (when you are exhausted and still basking in wedding glory) you can wear whatever you want and get hammered at the open bar. :-)

That's a harder place to get to mentally, but it's also the one that if you can get there, will give you the least amount of drama and grief.

Bridesmaid Dress 911!

The Q:  I'm hoping that you can help me wrap my head around a situation... I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding that is coming up VERY VERY SOON.  It's in about 3 weeks. I ordered my bridesmaid dress late, took my measurements myself and now the dress has come in finally and it doesn't fit.  Not in a too big way, but in a too too small way!  I don't even know what to do and I've avoided telling the bride, because I know it's just going to freak her out completely.  I have already put a call into the salon and they told me it's too late to order a new dress and get it on time....What can I do!!!

The A: EEEK!  Wow, Ok, deep breaths. You must try and stay calm about this.  The first thing that you need to do is to contact a dressmaker in your area- someone who actually makes dresses, not someone who does the hems at your drycleaners.    Make an appointment and see in what way they think they can fix it.  In the meantime, you need to, either through the gown store OR through the manufacturer directly (and it's probably easier going through your gown store b/c they will have a relationship with the manufacturer) and purchase some of the fabric that the gown was made with from them.  The tailor will be able to let you know how much you will need. 

Once you start the ball rolling to fix it, just let the bride know that your dress was a bit too small, but you are taking care of it.

If for some reason you can't get the actual fabric from the manufacterer, you and your tailor will need to hit the streets and find the closest match, but I think you will have luck going through the dress designer.

I'm not saying to keep the bride in the dark, but don't shed light on the problem until you have made efforts to correct it.  She doesn't need a NEW stress dropped on her lap, but will appreciate knowing about it and knowing that you are handling your business!

GOOD LUCK!

Inviting the Bridal Party

The Q: "I have been engaged for a few months, and my fiance and I are about to take a trip to visit some of my closest friends.  I have already asked my sister to be my maid of honor, and to even out my fiancee's side, I need to select two more friends.  I was wondering if you had any advice -- I have no idea what duties bridesmaids do traditionally (unlike this blog, I am never a bridesmaid, always a wedding singer), and that makes it harder to pick good attendants who I know will reduce my wedding day stress rather than add to it.  What kinds of roles do bridesmaids usually play in a wedding outside of looking beautiful and witnessing the ceremony?"

The A:

Thank you for the question. I find that we get this from a lot of brides in some format or another: sometimes it's about how to replace a bridesmaid if someone has to drop out or, such as in this case, who you should invite or if you should bother to "even out bridesmaids to groomsmen". You should only ask your VERY CLOSEST friends or relatives to be bridesmaids. Seriously. If you don't have really obvious choices for your bridesmaids identities, then I suggest you don't have them. It will be much less stressful to only have a maid of honor and have your other two groomsmen walk down the aisle single file or side by side than to increase the size of your bridal party. Generally speaking, with rare exceptions, more bridesmaids and groomsmen always results in more stress than less- through no fault of anyone's in particular! I'll explain the psychology of being a bridesmaid a little bit: it's very expensive, and unless you truly are great friends with the bride, it often results in being less helpful and more disgruntled. A bridesmaid is being asked to not only being purchase a dress, possibly travel and host showers, the bachelorette and of course, give presents but also to "help alleviate wedding day stress". I've found, in our experience, that many ladies give "virtual" eye rolls when on top of the above they are being asked to stuff invites, put together programs and sometimes act as a "day of" coordinator. It's truly a labor of love and therefore I feel, not just something you ask someone to do to help solve an aesthetic dilemma in your procession. In terms of duties,my other suggestion is that other than having a bridal party "wrangler" - who calls everyone and makes sure they are at the rehearsal on time and that they are where they need to be on time on the wedding day, all bridesmaids duties should be limited, in formal terms, to pre-wedding day activities. They want to celebrate with you and surround you with love- but they aren't wedding planners. Obviously, in a pinch, they should roll up their sleeves (or take off their wraps!) but I would hesitate to assign your girls to duties such as liaising with the band or managing your shotlist with the photographer. While they have the best intentions, it's too easy for a celebratory girlfriend to let something you deem important fall through the cracks!