The Q: Dear Always a Bridesmaid: I am desperate to use your services. The only problem is that I can't seem to get my boyfriend to commit. I mean, how long am I supposed to wait for him to propose?? I feel like the gollum chasing after the ring. Should I start leaving cut-outs of rings I like? Should I mention in passing that I like cushion cuts? Help me. If it works we both win. I get a ring...and you get a client. -Commitment Oriented
The A: WOW. First, off, readers, I should tell you that I actually get a lot of questions that aren't really wedding related. I've finally decided to start answering them periodically. I get a lot of career advice questions and, actually, a lot of emails kind of like this one, SOOO, remember, this is just one girl's opinion.
Dear Commitment Oriented: Thank you so much for your enthusiasm about our services and I'm sorry that you seem so stressed. I want to start off by saying that NO, absolutely NO, you should not NOT NOT leave cut outs of engagements rings around the house. You should not even have wedding magazines in the house unless, of course, you're also a wedding planner, but then, you wouldn't be writing to us, SOOO. NO WEDDING MAGAZINES IN PUBLIC.
With that out of the way, I should say that I don't really know what the situation is here with you and your boyfriend. He either falls into one of two categories: A) He is simply commitment-phobic and against getting married or B) it's something that you've talked about, he knows it's on the horizon, but he just doesn't seem to be following through and actually taking action. Generally speaking, you see more conversions of Type B guys into Grooms then you see Type A guys, but both kinds of conversions are totally possible.
There are lots of guys out there who might have been afraid of commitment, but they meet the right girl, or they feel it's the right time and then they are GAME. These guys are in my office every day, and I'm at their weddings on many weekends. Then there are the other guys who manage to dodge and duck commitment at every turn, sometimes throwing away wonderful relationships in the process. I often watch boring sporting events with those guys.
Here is the thing: if the man doesn't just wake up one day and decide that he's ready, the only other way to the commitment is through subtle trickery. Not deception, I mean, you love this guy, hopefully, but subtle trickery. I didn't just make this up, I've heard this from guys and I've seen it successfully in action. Trickery though, only works if the concept of marriage is even in play. If the idea of marriage is not even on the table, stop reading here and re-consider the relationship if you've been together for a minute and the idea of marriage is a priority for you.
So, back to tricks. I've literally had guys say to me "I don't know when we decided to get married, we just did, and then we were looking for rings." The most successful method that I've seen has been to simply identify a month, mention it frequently in conversation and once it seems that there are no objections, you just start making plans.
This sounds crazy, right? Well, it happens all the time. I should say though that OFTEN the price for victory through trickery is total and complete lack of romance and surprise. Only you know if that cost is worth it because it's a personal decsions.
So, Perhaps you say "Hey, hon, what do you think about getting married next May?" See what happens. If he's like, yeah sure, then there you go. Wait a week or so, and say "So, if we were to get married next May....." and see what happens. If he seems on board, try again a week or so later. Then start making some appointments to look at venues. See what he says when you mention the appointments. If they go well and you see something you like, put a soft hold on the place. And then wait.
Then you can start talking about rings and things, but if you must take it extreme, start mentioning to people you both know (your families, friends, whomever you think can handle it without making a huge thing about it) that you are thinking of getting married in May.
At some point, hopefully before the wedding is planned and paid for, you will get a ring.
The other thought is from my grandmother's school: You won't buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. Actually executing from this adage is much more emotionally traumatic for everyone, and is not always effective. But, basically, in this instance, you give an ultimatum. Marriage or else. The question is what happens if he doesn't take it?
So, only you know what it's important to you and if this is the right person and the right time, but hopefully some of this might have been helpful. I'm sure I'll get lots of hatemail for this. Remember, it's just what I've SEEN work for other people!
