The Q: "My nephew is getting married out of state and his bride to be is from the area where the wedding will be. The question has been raised of who is supposed to host and pay for her bridal shower for the groom's side of the family/friends. His mother seemed to think it would be us, his Aunts, and we disagree. Although, we're not sure if this is different because the bride and wedding is taking place out of state. His sister, my niece, is in the bridal party and we feel that it would be her responsibility as well as other members of the bridal party to host/pay for the shower. At a family gathering earlier this month my sister informed us, in not so kind of a way, that it's up to the Aunts to pay for the shower (or at least help out). We felt like she was telling us what we HAD to do and we disagree. Please resolve this issue for us." - Carleen
The A: Carleen, I've got to tell you, you are correct and your sister is mistaken in this- and in a pretty clear cut way. (How many sisters have waited their whole lives for someone to say that :-)
The wediquette powers that be (The Association of Bridal Consultants as well as The Post Institute) both agree that the proper etiquette of the bridal shower is that it be a party thrown by friends or relatives of the bride. Indeed, it is specifically stated (and this is something that I remember being surprised about in my wedding training coursework) that the Groom's family - mothers, aunties- should NEVER be listed as the hosts of the shower, as it gives the appearance of turning a party that is about the bride into something about the groom. As an FYI, it's even considered declase for even the Bride's mother to host this event (though I find that with the cost of all things wedding going up, this particular rule is more frequently bent so that mothers can be sure that their daughters are having a substantial enough shower without burdening bridesmaids too much).
Now, in your sisters' defense, I suspect that she simply does not want it to seem as though because your family is out of state that this means the bride is out of your thoughts. However, I don't know that a second shower in your state is the best solution to this. So, yes, you were correct again in thinking the duty should fall to the bridesmaids. It isn't specifically their job, but more often than not, they are the natural hosts for such an event. Luckily, because your niece is a bridesmaid (a nice loophole around that whole rule about the groom's family) you have an inside track into the goings on of shower planning in the bride's home state- I'm certain they are including your niece and if they aren't, they should provide her with information should she ask for it. I think a better solution than hosting a specific shower in your state is to a) be sure your niece secures invitations for your entire family - aunties, sisters, etc- to the main event- regardless of if you can make it out there or not and b) send both a wonderful, thoughtful group present as well as a special message. What a great statement it would make if rather than putting your money and energy into hosting a secondary shower for the bride, you pooled your resources and purchased their pot and pan set and gathered together and recorded a video message welcoming your new niece-in-law to your family to be played at the shower? My main point is that rather than try and host a satellite shower, simply put your energy into making your presence felt at her current shower.
Separate from your specific issue, I do want to say a couple of things about this whole shower business. First, I do want to say that this is all just general etiquette rules- there are always special circumstances that often require these rules be thrown out the door and my posting on this shouldn't make anyone feel badly about who hosted their shower- not the purpose! I also want to say this (and I'm not trying to pick on your sister here!) This rising trend of double and triple showers is somewhat troubling- I think it started out simply enough (perhaps the bride had a few different groups of friends who wanted to "shower" her in various ways) but has quickly grown out of hand and I think created a lot of confusion, and stress to both guests and brides. I often hear our clients lamenting and stressing fitting in 2nd or 3rd showers into their schedule - often these tertiary parties thrown by groups of people that they don't know. Bridesmaids never know what is expected of them at these multiple showers either- do they need to go to them all? When do they bring gifts?
