The Q: "My parents are divorced, and have been since I was one, but the divorce was NOT an amicable one. To make a ridiculously long story short, I used to be close to my biological father, but then, as I grew up, I saw how many mistakes he made and what kind of person he really was. I started to grow closer to my stepdad, who is really the reason I had such a good childhood and life. I really don't know where I would have ended up had he never come into my life.
I got engaged five months ago (and have little planning to show for it), but have decided that my stepfather should be the one to walk me down the aisle. My biological father will not respond well to this (although we're not close at all and only speak around holidays and in the event of a family emergency), and I don't know how to break the news to him. I don't want to hurt him, but he has always had a gift for guilt-tripping me into things and I just don't know how to handle the situation. There is no way he and my stepfather can (or even should) share this role, so that's not an option. Also, to make matters more complicated, I want my half-sister (his daughter with my stepmom) to be my junior bridesmaid and am afraid he will forbid it when he hears that he is not involved in my big day. How should I handle this touchy situation?" - Sarah
The A: Sarah, nothing brings out more drama than weddings. These events based around so much joy and love unearth EVERY unresolved life conflict and put them right into your already full life. I think family stress is probably the reason that 50% of our clients book our services- how can you plan logistics when you're at a crossroads of divorce, adulthood and childhood, new family members, etc., etc.
First, let me commend you on dealing with this well in advance. The WORST scenario is to not explain things to people before a wedding rehearsal, and then all the hurt feelings are out in the open and it's not pretty. OK, so practically speaking, I'm going to offer you what I think is the best solution, but I'll give you an alternative suggestion as well: Clearly, symbolically, walking down the aisle has a lot of meaning to you. However, you didn't mention anything about the bride's dance with her father at the reception. If I were you, I would consider offering this up to your dad- but not in a "here's a bone dad" way- more in terms of a way to bring up the walking down the aisle and a way to introduce the topic by letting him feel honored before you might potentially hurt his feelings. As a for instance, I would contact him when you hire your band or DJ and say something to the effect of "Oh, we're so excited, we hired the best band for the reception. We already started picking our songlist and I wanted to see what song you and I should dance with when it's time for our father- daughter dance. I want to be sure it's a song that has meaning to us both." (btw, I totally suggest "Times of Your Life" by Paul Anka- it's very good for this purpose, especially when maybe things haven't been perfect lately). I think that you'll find that this makes a very good warm up to saying something like: "I put a lot of thought into it and I want to be sure that both you and (your stepdad's name) both feel special that day, so I'm going to have us do our parent dance together and (Insert your stepdad's name ) will walk me down the aisle at the ceremony.
Now, a couple of things- that depend on you and your dad's personality and your own feelings. If you can't even stand the thought of giving your dad the moment to himself of his parent dance- and I can totally understand that (I didn't even INVITE my dad to my wedding- but that's like another story, for a different blog, or a therapist....) I suggest that you consider joining the parent dance and having your Fiance and his mother join in, or just don't do it period. But, I see this as an opportunity to turn something that might not symbolically be a big deal for you into a way to not make your dad feel slighted and spare some hurt feelings. Especially if in your heart the "BIG" honor is going to your stepfather.
So, should you decide that you aren't doing any parent dance and you want your stepdad to walk you down the aisle, and that's that, then I almost suggest you discuss it in a very matter of fact way. I wouldn't turn it into an emotional conversation, unless you are prepared to deal with the larger conversation that might arise and the fallout of that. I would simply call him (or when you are going to visit next) and talk logistics about your step sister being in the bridal party and how excited you are for her to be in the bridal party and what a great experience it will be for HER to get to bond with you. And then I would just say, "I want to be sure that you and (insert your stepmother's name here) will both be at the rehearsal, because you'll be part of the parental procession- you'll walk down together after my in laws and before Mom." And then if he balks, just tell him that you decided that at the ceremony (Insert your Step Dad's name here) is going to walk me down the aisle." Normally, I'd tell you to wait until it's much closer to the wedding handle this, but because you are nervous about your stepsister being dragged into it, I think it's better to do this sooner, so that there is time for him to react, reflect and get comfortable with it.
The other part of it is, the same way that the upcoming wedding has your wheels turning and you analyzing and assessing your feelings and relationships with those in your life, it is VERY likely doing the same things to him. Dad's are a funny species - and they tend to be more aware of their misgivings than they are often given credit for. In his heart, he probably half expects exactly this- particularly if you aren't very close. Then again, maybe not.
So, in terms of your other concern- about your stepsister- should he threaten that, I think you can only serve to remind him that he's probably punishing no one as much as he is punishing her- since all Junior bridesmaids are always THE MOST excited members of any wedding party.
