The Q:I am the Maid of Honor for a friend from high school.
I am out of state and live 3 hours away, but have no problem being involved in the planning of events. Originally I was going to throw the Bridal Shower with the help of the bridesmaids who all live in the same town as the bride, but the mothers (of bride and groom) took over and told me they would throw the shower. Fine, no problem and I don't want to cause problems, so I oblige.
I am a freelance worker and it just so happens that this week I was asked to produce a job the weekend of the shower. Freelance work always seems to come up at the last minute. I make all my money from freelancing and anyone who has ever freelanced knows that when good paying jobs come along, you have to take them. I accepted the job, a 3 day gig that is paying me the same amount i normally make in 2 weeks. I told my friend I couldn't make the shower due to work and she was v. upset and responded by saying sort of meanish things. Am I totally wrong for staying home to do this job ( i mean I do have to make money to pay for the expenses of being in the wedding, also the travel costs) or should I have given up this very well paying gig to attend the shower?
Thanks for the help. Trying to do the right thing, and make a living!
The A: Wow! Well, the first thing that I'm going to say is that I've been on every side of this coin and I've witnessed my clients experience this from the Bride's end many times, and unfortunately not much is going to (in the immediate future) change her mind about feeling hurt or sad by your absense. Each bride is different and some girls are totally easy going and feel that their wedding shouldn't be the focus of anything and other gals feel that each moment is a memory in the making and should be treated as such. Neither set is wrong.
So, that said, I feel like you are not necessarily wrong for not going to the shower. It isn't the same as the wedding, this is true. And, as someone who started a business from scratch with Mayra, we've had many weekends where we've had to turn down social occassions because a chance at making money came up. And, my good friend, who was a bridesmaid at my wedding and who lives out of the country, was not able to make it in for my shower and I totally understood the expense and the time involved.
But, the one thing is that I can't help but comment on is that it seems that there are two things going on here. The first is that you wanted to be involved and to put your mark on the shower for your good friend but then you were shut out and the shower was taken away from you. (FYI, to the general reader, it's not considered proper etiquette for your mother or your MIL to host the bridal shower in any way. Even if they choose to help fund the shower- which many mothers do- the hosting duties should fall to the bridal party or a special friend or relative) It seems that perhaps that move, totally not the brides' fault or anyone's fault, made you feel unnecessary and made your presence there feel unneeded. And so, when the freelance work came up you felt much more inclined to take it perhaps?
The real reason the bride wants you there though is not because you were a great host or because you came up with great games or anything like that but because she wants you around her at this special time and she wants to feel that you think it's special too. To her choosing work over her shower seems like an action statement about prioritizing her wedding events. Even if it isn't.
Luckily, its not too late to make ammends and to clear the air and let her know that she is special. Take some of the money that you are making on this great freelance gig and arrange for flowers to be sent to her the morning of her shower to wish her a happy bridal shower (or better yet, send them to the shower location) OR send her mom a video message from you that she can play of you hamming it up clapping and saying ooh and aah as if you were watching her open presents. OR you can send her just an amazing note or card reminiscing about the times in High School when you imagined your shower and your wedding day and be sure it gets there BEFORE the big. The main thing is to let her know that you care.
