Always a Blogsmaid

Wow! Cheap and Chic Bridesmaids dresses

Ladies, I'm not going to lie to you- most of my clients spend a pretty penny on attire for themselves and for their bridal party. However, a lot of brides to be email me with suggestions on how to save money or ways to not overburden bridesmaids.

Voila! Target strikes again with the Issac Mizrahi Bridal lines- wedding gowns and bridesmaids dresses. It's a great alternative from the same old story at David's Bridal- and the bridesmaids dresses are cute. The stuff is only available online. If you are a bride on a budget or want to do something more casual for your bridesmaids, check out Target!!

Being Dad's date

The Q:"I'm the girlfrend of the bride's father . I've been asked to attend by the bride to be. I haven't met her yet. But we've talked on the phone a couple of times .It will be the first time I meet her kids and husband to be. I'm just wondering what price range should I be looking at for a gift . Or should I go in with her Dad . we are not living together and been dating a year. - Rita"

The A: My gut instinct is to purchase something off of her registry in or around the $150-200 range. That price point might vary on region that you live in as well, or depending on the means of the family (if you are selecting from a registry at Barney's, that number should go up, for instance). Don't go overboard, it will just open you up to criticism and questioning your motives, but also don't scrimp, despite not knowing the bride and the groom, because your scrimping will be noticed. I would also go with a keepsake item: A Tiffany frame or something like that, vs. a household item, because it shows a bit more thoughtfulness. Depending on the means of the family, try to purchase a gift that seems as in the middle as the average guest. While it seems that you and the bride's father have a strong relationship, I think because you don't live together and you alone were specifically invited, you should purchase your own gift.
And Rita, remember to relax and enjoy the day when the day comes!

More IL Drama! Down the Aisle without Dad

The Q: My dad has never been very close to my brother and I, specially after he divorced my mom. Unfortunately he won't be able to attend my wedding so I thought that the best person to walk me down the aisle would be my mom who always took care of us. My mom and I are very excited about this. But we have a problem. I am not from the US, but my fiance is and this wedding is pretty much 90% his guests. His parents were very kind and offered to pay 50% of the wedding. My parents in law don't like the idea of my mom walking me down the aisle. They are too traditional and they want everything to look just like everyone's else wedding. They say it's weird for two women to walk down the aisle and that people talk. I know this is my wedding but I don't want to have problems with them. 40% of the guest are their guests. How can I work this out? Thanks! -Annie

The A: Hi Annie. This week seems to be In-Law week at Always a Blogsmaid. I think it's really wonderful that you don't want to create a lot of commotion around the wedding and that you are being so flexible- the inability to compromise often is the number one stress causing factor for couples getting married. However, in this case, I think that WHO walks you down the aisle is NOT something that your FIL's should really have a say in nor should they ask you to compromise. I have a lot of opinions about this situation, so please pardon me for being frank.

From a professional point of view, looking at contemporary etiquette (via Emily's Posts Wedding Etiquette and the Association of Bridal Consultants) etiquette does NOT oppose the bride being escorted by her mother. Indeed, Peggy Post offers this up as a suggestion in her fourth edition of Wedding Etiquette (Harper Collins Press) as a solution to a bride who has both a father and a stepfather and isn't sure whom to have escort her down the aisle.

From a personal point of view, something that seems to be becoming lost in the American Wedding; as it gets more and more expensive I think to host a wedding and as more and more grooms' families begin to assist in hosting; is the notion of the wedding day being the BRIDE's DAY. It should still be the Bride's day in the sense that you should feel comfortable with the decisions of the day- particularly the ones that affect you.

So, OK, that's my opinion, but I still haven't given you any solutions to this situation. My first one would be to speak with your fiancee and explain to him that you think it's Odd that his parents would find a mother & daughter walking together to be odd (the notion that anyone would notice that it's two women and not a mother and a daughter seems very bizarre to me) and see if he will help you smooth this issue over with them. I suggest showing them the Peggy Post passage, since- to event the most conservative traditionalists, the Post Institute is the authority on etiquette and propriety.

Should that not work, or should your fiancee possibly share their opinion, I would offer up the following: perhaps you invite your brother to JOIN you AND your mother in the process of giving you away. Even if he is already a member of the bridal party, he can easily take a place at the alter with the other groomsmen once the ceremony of giving you away to your future husband takes place.

Generally though, I think that while it's sensible to recognize that most of the wedding is filled with their guests, and that your in laws are assisting with financing this, they should still respect the fact that that moment- the moment of entrance- is your moment. You can let them have a say in the centerpieces or the entree selection or the band you hire, but this is the moment where you symbolically transition from being a child of your family to being the wife of your spouse and I don't think they should have a say in HOW you define who your family is because they are nervous about other peoples (highly unlikely) perceptions.

Drama!!! MIL and her Uninvited guest!

The Q:My FMIL has just informed me that she has personally invited someone else to the wedding, and rsvp'd to my mother as such. She did not mention this person when we asked her about those on her side that we needed to invite. Actually we are having a very small ceremony and this woman is neither family, nor a close friend to my fiancee or I. Actually, she is someone who was, shall we say, misguided, in her feelings toward my now fiancee? At one point, she even intended in trying to get him intoxicated in order to take advantage of him. Luckily he saw through that, but it does not change the past. Nevermind that my FMIL has not contributed anything towards our wedding, Nor the fact that it is three weeks away, and a little late in the game to be adding guests. I am so upset by this I am beside my self with what to do. It has been suggested that the best thing would be to allow the woman to come, and be the better person, but I am appalled at my future mother-in-law's behavhior, and am at a loss of what i should say i this woman is allowed to come to my wedding though i did not invite her. How gracious am i required to be? Please help me determine the best and most peaceful way to handle this situation. Thank you for all your help.

The A: WOW! Wow, Wow! Ok, I don't totally even know where to begin. First, let me say that this is a really unusual situation and what follows is more of my personal, practical advice, vs. any sort of "authorized wedding etiquette" (I mean, really, this defies etiquette so much that poor Emily Post is doing tumblesaults in her grave!) I know you don't want this to explode into a massive pre-wedding drama, however, it absolutely must be addressed. The real issue here is not actually whether or not this uninvited, mal-aligned woman attends or doesn't attend (I actually have to agree that at this point, uninviting her might make more problems than having here there) but the larger issue here is with your MIL and WHY she would want to do this. Clearly your MIL has some unresolved issues with her sons' impending wedding and with some anxiety about her relationship with you. I think that the best way to potentially correct the problem of the uninvited guest is to confront (TACTFULLY, if at all possible at this point) your MIL. I suggest that you visit your MIL with your Fiancee in tow. I suggest that you sit down, in a very warm and friendly fashion and say something to the effect of "You are sure that she would never WANT to cause hurt feelings and stress to the future wife of her son, but that intentionally or otherwise, by inviting this woman who clearly has romantic intentions with your fiancee, your MIL has completely hurt your feelings and has caused you to feel unwelcome by her into the family." I would say (whether I totally believe this or not) that you know that she didn't mean to do this and that you are sure your MIL had no ill intentions, but at the same time you need to know WHY your MIL felt that this woman should be a guest at your small and intimate wedding. I would hear her out, and try (if humanly possible) to maintain calm. I would ask your MIL, with your fiancee, to sugggest to this woman that perhaps her presence was not really appropriate at the ceremony (at the very least). In my MIL experience, I've found that most have a Bark much worse than their bite and that when confronted about any possible affront to their sons happiness, they BACK OFF. However, this isn't a scientific fact, so remember, this is just suggested advice.

My main point is that you, the bride, should not take on the role of uninviting this girl. It will simply pull you in as a lead player in a drama that you didn't create. You don't want that role. Your only role is to star as gracious bride- not Brawling Bride involved in verbal altercations with your MIL and a bizarre stranger. The role of either uninviting this woman should fall to your MIL, your Fiancee, or as a last resort your parents (though, I think they should also stay out of this, in my personal opinion).

Should you get NO WHERE with this and the nutty, crazy ex-girlfriend or whatever she was still seems likely to be voted "Guest Least Wanted at the Wedding" you need to have a plan in place for DRAMA prevention. Assign a friend or cousin or something to be on Crazy Ex Duty. Have them shadow her at the church. Have them ask the bartenders to go light on her pours at the bar. Have the MC or the bandleader know to NOT GIVE THE MIC to ANYONE not on your timeline or pre-identified as giving a speech or making comment. Manage the potential stress with a plan in advance and remind your MIL that you, already (even before getting down the aisle) have taken one for the team.

Affordable Lofts Around New York

The Q: I have a question maybe you guys can help me out. My sister is getting married sometime in fall, not sure when, but i was wondering if you guys can recommend a loft that's not so expensive that may provide all the linnens and tables chairs etc.. but has enough dance room? -Solange in New York

The A: Well, probably with all things wedding, affordable is always relative! We love the Metropolitan Building in Long Island City, which is and isn't affordable, but it includes a ton of stuff that makes it work out to be a smart choice in some ways. The Met Building has two floors, or the whole building and has one space that holds about 125 for dinner and dancing and another space that holds around 200-220 for dinner and dancing (maybe a bit more). It's a real ecclectic and awesome space- maybe not for everyone's taste- but the location rental fee (which starts at around $5500 for the lower level and goes to $10K for the entire building) includes nearly unlimited hours for your party- you can load in at 9AM and leave almost whenever you want- as well as tables and wooden folding chairs. Linens, plates and glasses are included when you use their AMAZING recommended caterer. The venue also has a fabulous collection of vintage style lounge furniture (think chaise lounges, velvet ottomons, victorian style coffee tables, etc) that they make available for events at no additional charge. The inclusion of all these things really does add up, but again, if you aren't into the folding chairs, the savings probably becomes minimal- using their chairs saves you about $4 per guest. For the linens, your rental company will have a great selection, both of basics and of more elaborate table tops. But, be sure if budget is a concern that you stick with the simple cottons. For affordable rentals with reliable service, I suggest either Broadway Famous or Tri Serve.

Save the Date Wording

The Q: "For the save-the-dates, what do you do to address a family of 5 who are invited?
Steve and Dee Hickey and their 3 children (6,9 and 12 ). Do I address the envelope "The Hickey Family"

and for the invitation:
Mr and Mrs Steven Hickey
Lauren Hickey
Alexander HIckey
Georgina Hickey
(Insert addresss...)

Thank you!" -Shelley

The A: You are on the right track! So, yes, that is correct for the save the dates. You have two ways to handle the invitations though. For the outer invitation it could say The Hickey Famil and then on the inner envelop it would say Mr. & Mrs. Hicky
Miss Lauren Hicky
Master Alexander Hickey
Miss Georgina Hickey.
However, the MOST correct way to handle this is to send 1 invitation to Mr. & Mrs. Steven Hickey (nner and outer) and a seperate invitation to the Hickey children whose outer envelope would say The Hickey Family with the inner envelope having the Master and Miss, etc. Hope that helps!!!

Aisle Dilemma Part 2: Dealing with Divorce

The Q:"The groom's parents are divorced and his father is remarried. They do not get along. Who should escort the groom's mother to her seat and where should she sit during the ceremony and the reception? Does the groom's mother enter before or after the groom's father and stepmother? If the father of the bride escorts her down the aisle, who walks the mother of the bride to her seat?" - Sharon

The A:Great question Sharon! As a rule of thumb, the groom's mother should be the second to last guest seated before the bridal party enters. The bride's mother is the last guest. In cases like this one, where it could easily become a standoff, the groom's dad and stepmother would enter, THEN the groom's mother. Typically, what we do in this situation is see if the mom has a brother or another son who can escort her down the aisle. Even if this person is in the bridal party, they can easily either join the groomsmen in the front of the ceremony location or circle down the side aisle to join them for the procession. Both have worked. Otherwise, we have sometimes had the best man do this and he then usually takes his place with the groom at the front of the aisle after he performs this role.

If the Groom's parents really don't get along, we suggest that the bride and groom sit alone or with the best man and maid of honor (and their spouses) and then the parents each get their own tables, where they can sit with their choice of relatives or friends at the wedding. If the reception is so small that neither parent has enough family or friends, you may want to just mix them yourselves and sprinkle bridal party members around the room.