Always a Blogsmaid

Dream vs. Reality Budget

The Q:"Is it really possible to have my dream wedding in NYC and stay on a budget?"- Sam in NYC

The A: Yes... and no. It's totally possible, but it involves 3 disciplines, Compromise, Restraint and Resolve.

If you know that budget it important, it's important for you to accept compromise as a part of your wedding planning process from the outset. Do I mean settle for less when it comes to your dream day? No. But I do mean identifying areas that are of the UTMOST importance to you, prioritizing those and maybe deciding where you can go "Loehmann's" in other areas.

"Loehmann's" wedding planning means that you don't need to go highest end, retail price for every single service. You should find areas where you can find "designer discounts". For instance, let's say you know for a fact that you want So and So Photographer. He is 10,000. (don't gasp, its possible here in NYC) This is the most important thing for you. You also love the work of Such and Such florist. They do the most interesting things and you are just in love with their designs. However, you realize that the Photographer is the MOST IMPORTANT thing and this is less so, and you have a strong sense of what you like and what you want things to look like. So instead, you shop around online for a floral provider who seems to be able to emulate a few different styles. You bring in your photos and clippings of arrangements that you like and you get a quote that's much more reasonable, because perhaps this florist isn't as famous or does greater volume, etc. That is a Loehmann's approach to wedding planning. It isn't less fashionable, but it is less expensive and you pick and choose your "splurges".

So, in addition to compromise of expectation, I think the other tip is to CONTROL your guestlist. If you can do this, you can splurge on what happens with each guest versus simply paying to get people to the table. This will involve some restraint. But if your dream day involves a 4 star meal and a fine wines and the best band ever, then you MUST control the number of people if you are on a budget. However, if your dream involves everyone the two of you have ever known being there, then you should re-think the need to have everything be really high end.

And that really brings us to the final idea, which is Resolve. When on a budget, your worst enemy is indeciscion and uncertainty. If you don't know what you like or what you want or what style of wedding you want, you will have NO guidelines with which to direct your budget. If you don't know if you want a black tie, sit down dinner or a casual buffet, how will you set a catering budget and how will you know if you can afford 75 people or 175 people? How will you decide? You must decide the kind of atmopshere and style of wedding you want in order to make your life easier. For instance, if you are the couple I referenced above who wants everyone on the planet at your wedding reception and you look at your budget, you might realize "OK, I think that necessity is going to dictate buffet, so let me wrap my head around WHY I wanted everyone there- is my real dream to be dancing and partying with all these people that we loved? If so, then let me not stres out that we're having buffet (because that's totally acceptable) and let me focus on the entertainment and the drinks and making the large celebration the focus of the party.

So, yes, you can have an amazing wedding, but I think the real advice is to adjust your "dream" wedding around the things that are most priority to you and it will be much easier to find satisfaction in your wedding planning process.

Venue Alert!

Last night we went to a WONDERFUL party hosted by the magnificent people over at Great Performances Catering at 620 Loft and Garden. Totally a wedding Sexy 10 for the couple looking for something intimate AND spectacular.

Who is this venue for? The client with a ceremony and reception of 60 -80 people, or cocktails and dinner for 85 or so. It's tentable, but is far more breathtaking when it's totally al-fresco. Even in the freezing cold and jacketless, I couldn't get off of this terrace. Though, when I did, the indoor space, while intimate, is wonderful. Sleek and sexy in this ArtDeco building on Rock. Plaza, this is a great, simple space that can feel elegant, modern and intimate.

This elegant venue is perfect for the couple looking to splurge on an intimate affair of their closest friends and family. I've been dreaming about how romantic this would be for a wedding since we left!

Destination Consideration

The Q:  “We would really like to have a destination wedding.  Are there any special factors that we should consider before we commit?”

The A: When contemplating a destination wedding, things to consider are the relative mobility of your important guests and cost implications for your guests.
If your family and friends are young and mobile: meaning able to freely and comfortably travel by airplane or train, then it’s a fantastic way to really enjoy those closest to you in a relaxed vacation setting.  However, should you find that your favorite Aunties are too feeble to travel, you might want to weigh the importance of your setting vs. having all your family and friends around you?
The other factor is cost to your guests.  Destination weddings are generally more expensive for guests than a standard local wedding.  They involve flights, several nights at a hotel and wedding gifts.  The association costs may be too great and some invited guests may opt to not attend.   You should consider the cost to your most special guests prior to “pulling the trigger” on booking a destination wedding OR a particular hotel.  If your sister, for instance, has several children, it might be an extraordinary expense for her family to pay for this trip.
Ultimately, destination weddings have become so popular because they are fantastic fun for everyone involved.  It’s just important that your “VIP” guests can be involved if it’s a destination wedding.

Hi's and Low's of planning with Mom

The Q: “My fiancé and I are very, very low key people.  We are very casual and very easy going.  My mother is not nearly as casual or low key, and since she and my father are helping us pay for the wedding, she is very vocal about her opinions.  I really don’t know how to handle this and am looking for some help.”

The A: This is a conundrum- since purse strings often come with opinions and sometimes opinions lead to demands.  However, ultimately, this is a question of style and in this sense, you need to be vocal about what you don’t want.  However, before you even broach the conversation, you should decide how flexible you are willing to be.
Perhaps you don’t want to have your reception in a hotel ballroom or your parents country club, but you don’t mind the general wedding format: ceremony, cocktails, sit down dinner of 2-3 courses and a wedding cake.  Perhaps you can say, “Mom, I don’t want us to argue over what this wedding will be like. I’m willing to have a sit down dinner reception, but I would like to select the venue.”
Ultimately, you both must accept that you will need to compromise.  But you need to be vocal about what you are willing to do and what you just don’t want, in a specific way: I don’t want to wear a formal gown; I don’t want guests in black tie, etc.  You should then ask her what it is that she WOULD want, knowing that a totally traditional wedding in a traditional venue is off the table.
If there really is no point of compromise on this reception, you still have a couple of less desirable options:  you and your fiancé could take charge of your rehearsal dinner or brunch celebration and have it be an event that really reflects your personalities; or you can consider financing the more low key celebration on your own, but I would only do that if you can do so in a way that doesn’t hurt your mother’s feelings.

He's feeling Groovy

The Q:  How can I get my groom to be more involved in the planning?

The A:  FINALLY! An answer to this question that doesn't involve a torturous tasting or dragging him to the flower market:  Ladies, get ready to email your groom to be the link to GROOM GROOVE!  The site is not only hub to get the guys more involved, but they now have videos outlining the duties of the Groom and your for your clueless, but sweet, best man!  They have succinct articles that give them the gist of what they should know and there is nothing girly about it! 

The Joan Hamburg Bridal Event

Hello Brides out There!  Sorry for the short post today, but wanted to let you know, if you are in New York City this weekend, Joan Hamburg, author of the New York City Weddings book and radio host at WOR radio will be hosting a bridal event with Bridal Reflections at the Metropolitan Building this SUNDAY. 

Rehearsal Dinner in Brooklyn

The Q:  We are getting married in a park in Brooklyn and having our reception in a loft space downtown in Brooklyn and want something local for our rehearsal dinner.  Any suggestions for about 40 people?  -Shana

The A:  Totally!   Here are my favorites in Brooklyn, specifically, downtown!

Pete's Downtown:  This is a Brooklyn staple.  Located downtown across from the River Cafe, their private room can hold up to 60 people.  They offer wonderful, casual Italian cuisine with great service and reasonably priced bar packages.  It's a cozy choice. 

Frankie' s Spuntino:  The Stable at Frankie's is so gorgeous and serene, it will make for one great evening.  The cuisine is served family style and the restaurant is simply chic.  If you are about great food and drink, this wonderful little spot is fantastic!

My new little Secret (not anymore) Mojito in Clinton Hill on Washington Avenue:  Located near Steiner Studio/ Stage Six in the Chocolate Factor (people always mention this fact, but frankly, there isn't any chocolate there now, so who cares) this cute, romantic Cuban restaurant will close for your party of 50-60 for, what are literally bargain prices, including their trademark Mojitos!   This is easily the best "bargain" group meal in Brooklyn, but there is nothing bargain about the cuisine- beautiful plated dinners of the most delicious Cuban foods you've tasted!

Negotiating Venue Contracts

The Q: "i placed a deposit to reserve a date in may 2009 for my daughters wedding. Is it too late to negotiate a better price or for a better deal . The place is a popular beach side reception site. iif its not too late which is the best way to go about getting a better deal, via price or service wise. Im not the best at negotiations."

The A: This is tricky. If you've ALREADY signed your contract, then there isn't really that much that you can do.... However, if you've just placed a deposit but are finalizing your terms, then you have some wiggle room. Here are some pointers (and if you aren't very good at negotiating/ you get nervous asking for things, send an email with questions/ requests and then go over them via the phone with your sales person).

So, here are some general points you should look into/ ask about. At the worst, they say no right?:

Vendor meals: You should negotiate or ask for a couple of free vendor meals, or a reduced vendor meal. The vendor meal should also be the hot entree that your guests will be eating (not necessarily the beef selection, but the chicken, for instance) and not, say, a cold sandwich. At the very least you should be paying about 1/4 of the guest price for these vendor meals.

Tax on Service Charge: You should NOT pay tax on a service charge. Some venues will try and say that a service charge is not the same as a gratuity, but regardless, the principal of it is the same and you should not pay tax on it. What this means, is if your venue is $100pp, and there is a 20% service charge and 8.375% sales tax you SHOULD not be paying more than $128.38 per person. If they are charging you tax on the service charge that would look more like $130.05. While not a TON of money, it adds up AND that amount only gets higher the higher your price per person is!

Parking FeesIf you aren't in a public park or something like that, try and negotiate better parking rates.

Coat Check, etc.Another Item you should try and get thrown in or reduced rate.

OvertimeTry and get overtime rates charged on the number of guests THERE at the time vs. the total number of guests.

Rental Pick UpSome venues require that any linens, or rentals that you bring in MUST be out by that night. This can sometimes cost you a lot of extra money- for instance there might be a $600 late night pick up fee for ballroom chairs you brought in. See if they can hold the items until the next day or the Monday morning.

Cocktail Receptions vs. Sit Down

The Q:"Can you discuss the pros and cons of a cocktail reception vs. a sit down?" Petra

The A:This is a great question. For some reason, we've really gotten it into our heads that a wedding MUST be a full dinner or lunch, and preferably sit down, and it doesn't need to be. I think it's actually pretty fitting that I'm discussing this as we are in the midst of working on a cocktail style wedding now.

Here are the pros to a cocktail reception: Generally, they are less expensive- you have less food, less rentals and often, it requires less staffing. So, if budget is a consideration, this is a great pro.

Another pro is non-traditionalism. A cocktail reception is a great solution for an anti-bride. It's not that a cocktail reception needs to be less elegant, but they are less formal and traditional in structure. There isn't the hullabaloo of guests sitting down, finding place cards, standing for your entrance, etc. And, it's actually amazing how many couples get really freaked out over the formalities of the reception and being on "stage" that way.

Here are the cons to a cocktail reception: There is a greater challenge to create flow for your guests. A great party should have something happening every 30minutes-Hour, depending on event. But, generally, a great cocktail party must feel like more than a long cocktail hour. So, it's up to you to "break the party up" with key dances, toasts, and even food service items.

Another con is that cocktail receptions generally should be a little shorter than a regular reception. Not everyone will agree with me on that one, but without a sit down meal as an anchor (or a meal as an anchor) the attention time that you can hold people is a bit shorter. I would say that if a traditional wedding reception experience is 5 hours, a cocktail reception should be no more than 4. Some people feel that for the trouble of planning, they'd like to have the longest party possible. In that case, I don't think this is the right style for you.

The Registry Low Down

The Q: "One pressing issue (that I've been putting off dealing with) is how many registries is too many? It seems like standard is 2 or 3, but are people going to think I'm greedy if I have 4 different places?   Would love your insight!"  -Late Registrator

The A: Does anyone really LIKE to register?  It's something you both need to go to and so very few grooms-to-be can handle the hours it takes in the store(s) holding a scan gun.  So, in this regard, you are not alone.

It also stresses a lot of people out because of the greed factor......   I think, personally, that it's not the number of places that you register in  as much as the price points that you select that make you seem greedy/ not greedy.  By the same token, more than 3 can be a bit overwhelming for your guests and they will likely just go to the store that for them seems the most familiar/ welcoming and you run the risk of not getting items you might actually need or want in certain places. I think a 4th registry location should only be for a store or location that sells true "gift" items, vs. utilitarian housewares, furniture, etc. 

For example, (and I'm not endorsing any store over another, just giving examples) but a great registry has one primary store that I'd suggest be a department store with great long term and household items (and possibly cookware), linens and china items and things like luggage: Bloomingdale's, Macy's, Gump's, Scully and Scully, Bergdorf's or Barney's.  A second store might be a great everyday use or appliances source:  a bed, bath and beyond or a target or a crate and barrel. And a third could be a store for great speciality items: a Williams Sonoma, or a Sur la Tabla.  I think a 4th store is a good idea if you guys want to offer people the opportunity to purchase you unique gifts that feel a bit less "wedding" or "useful" (though, I think of my friend Ali everytime I use my Cuisinart and Dan whenever I wield a knife) so, like a Tiffany & Co, a Johnathan Adler, or even a store that reflects your passions: such as a camping goods store, or a travel goods store.

But, back to looking greedy, just do your best to vary the stores and the price points of your items, offering people the chance to purchase at several levels. 

More Martha, Martha, Martha

THIS IS A REPOST, as I noted the WRONG Saturday. It's not too late to get some more Martha Martha Martha!

The Q: What upcoming wedding events are worth my while to attend?

The A: So glad you asked!  Mayra is over here ironing her gypsy scarf in anticipation of another event co-hosted by Martha Stewart Weddings! 

This Saturday the Wedding Library will have a mixer/ expert panel featuring Darcy Miller, Editor of Martha Stewart Weddings, the DIVINE Preston Bailey, Reem Acra and the wonderful Mark Ingram.  After the panel, there will be a vendor showcase of many of The Wedding Library's top vendors including one of my favorites Mel Barlow, the wonderful Ron Ben-Israel and these very talented videographers called Open Eye Media

The Event:  This Fabulous Event is here in NYC this coming Saturday starting at 11AM on the UES.
Tix can be purchased online at Wedding Library Tix

 

Resolutions for the Newly Engaged

Happy New Year Brides to Be!!! Rather than take any questions today, I wanted to take a chance to share good wishes and hopefully, some good advice.  There are a lot of you newbie engaged ladies out there, and as you start a new year as the future Mrs. So-and-So, here are some Bridolutions for you to consider adopting in 2008 to keep wedding planning FUN in those moments of STRESS.  Congratulations!!!!!

1. Resolve to not lose sight of the Day After the Wedding.  And I'm not talking about your post wedding brunch! You are marrying the most amazing guy!  He is so lucky to have you and you him.  After the cake is cut, the gifts are packed the the adorable favors taken home, you guys will have one another. So while the wedding is important, remember the next day is the real start of your new lives!  If you keep that in mind, you'll inevitably have MUCH more fun planning it all.

2. Resolve to be a gracious bride. Oh, these people will MAKE YOUR CRAZY at times.  Bridesmaids WILL be selfish at times and guests will sometimes pull some CRAZY, wacky stuff (what do you mean you want to bring your cousin and her 3 kids?????) BUUUUT, if you keep your head above the fray and remember to be GRACIOUS and thankful, your memories of your engagement will be MUCH sweeter. No one likes a Bridezilla, not even herself! (Seriously, I can't tell you how many past bridezillas have called me months later to say "I'm not really like that!")

3. Resolve to Compromise (Sometimes). It's your day your way, but when arguments arise with Mom or In-laws or DH, sometimes its better (and easier) to stop, drop and roll.  No, you don't want to hire a band that your MIL loves or wear a dress just because your mom picked it out, but would it KILL you to have a menu card?  Probably not.  Would a monogrammed napkin totally ruin the aesthetic of your wedding? Not really.  Don't sweat the totally small stuff, and you'll be able to put your foot down when it REALLY Matters.

4.  Resolve to Trust your Team. Do your due diligence before you hire a vendor (Recommendations, ask around about them, look them up in magazines or online, check on insurance, etc) and then STOP DOUBTING them.  If you have hired a true professional, they will care about doing an amazing job almost as much as you do.  Energy, Negative, draining energy is constantly wasted Fretting over vendors who are already contracted.  Remember, every vendor is a pro, but also a human, and negative questioning has never extracted top performance, in my experience.

5. Resolve to Stick to Your Schedule. I have to go to the gym 5 or 6 times a week not to act like a crazy Rhymes with Witch around the office.  I know that about myself, so I have a schedule and I discipline myself to follow it.  If you (or your planner) has set up a schedule for planning tasks and chores for your, STICK TO IT.  It's easy to let work and life derail you, but the more you spread out the TASKS of planning the wedding, the easier it is to NOT BE OVERWHELMED.  Hire people in a timely manner, don't drag out the process and stay on top of thank you notes and your registry.  Work is very important, but you MUST prioritize your wedding as well. 

6. Resolve to See the Big Picture. Read item 1, read Item 2 and combine.  If you find yourself freaking out 6 months from now over a ribbon on a favor box, stop, walk around the block, or your desk, and ask yourself why?  Maybe it's not about the ribbon, and your annoyed that your fiance doesn't care about the details you care about. Maybe you're exhausted of making decisions.  Maybe you need a little break.  But remember, a ribbon is still a ribbon. It's one tiny element that helps make the picture of your day: a painting stroke in the masterpiece of your wedding.  It will not RUIN the image.  Step back, see how great everything else is and move forward.

7.  Resolve to Accept Possible Setbacks. Don't take this as an omen, or as a "wait for shoe to drop", please ladies, but sometimes there are random setbacks.  My wedding needed to be relocated 8 weeks before the big day.  Once, they put up a scaffold in front of a client's venue the DAY before the wedding without anyone (even the venue) knowing.  A friend's MOH was put on bedrest and she wasn't able to be at the wedding.  They sound like horror stories, but ultimately, none of these things RUINED anyone's wedding.  And remember that, girls. Sometimes, life's complications sneak into wedding world. But they will not and cannot ruin your dream day!

Brides!  Enjoy this special, magical time in your lives!!!!  Enjoy this wonderful year where you wave your ring finger around and get constant manicures!!!! It's special and FUN!  Happy 2008!  Looking forward to getting your questions this year!  Remember email for advice, getting started tips, vendor recs, or whatever, to blogqs@alwaysabridesmaid.us or check the archives to see if we may have hit your question before!

Charging the Buffet!

The Q:  "If you are having a buffet at your reception, can you still have the table
set with charger plates?" - Suzanne

The A:  ABSOLUTELY!  In fact, I think it's a splurge that really dresses up the buffet experience and makes the entire event feel more formal and makes your table look more polished.  It helps to mark each person's spot in away that feels more permanent than just a napkin fold, and it also acts as an anchor for you to lay out your flatware.  Here are some photos of chargers at buffet or station weddings that we've done, so give you an example.  FYI: Even Menu cards can be helpful, as it lets people know what to look for once they are AT the buffet!

The Ins and Outs of Kosher Catering

This is a Double Post from a question that we got over at our Wediquette column on Something Old, Something NewThe Q: "Hi, I know that this is pre-mature, since I won't be getting married for another 2 years, but my wedding has to be kosher, and I cannot find any sites about who to go to and what needs to be done for a kosher wedding.

My mother and I are both clueless since she is Christian and I am reform (Jewish), and had never planned on having a kosher wedding, but because of my groom, it has to be done.
I know that the meal will be kosher, but what about the cake?" -Kathryn

The A: It's tricky, learning Kosher, but it's not as hard as you would imagine. Depending on where you are located and if you have a venue selected already or not, your process will differ slightly. This is also posted you are having a Saturday evening wedding.

Generally, though, here is how it works: Either you are working with a space that is rented for the day or a venue with catering. If you know in advance that you are going to need Kosher, you should start looking for venues without catering. I think it works out more economically if cost is a factor and often affords you more choice in WHO your Kosher caterer is.

Essentially, a non Kosher catering facility will charge you for the per person minimum, as well as for the kosher catering price per person. In example, here in New York,a Kosher wedding at Bridge Waters will cost the rate of $165pp PLUS the $65 (and up) for Kosher catering. This versus renting Studio 450, in example, and then having a Kosher caterer handle all of the food, which would probably be around $165PP.

If you have your reception facility booked already, you should start by asking your location for their recommendation/ required kosher vendor. You should ask for the menu offered at your particular venue and move from there. Typically venues will have a preferred or required Kosher caterer and often they have a set menu that mirrors the menu offered at your venue.

If you are booking a space and then looking for a Kosher Caterer, then the world is your oyster, because you can design a menu around the season and your tastes, just as you would with any other kind of catering (with Kosher Provisions in mind).

Kosher food has a reputation for being bad, but it simply depends on HOW the caterer works/what you serve. Certain cuts of beef just simply aren't as good, because they are simulations of the "real" cut, and a good caterer will steer you clear of those and make recommendations of suggestions that are really quite delicious. Additionally, nothing on the wedding can START until after Sundown (so keep that in mind as you are planning) and so often BAD kosher catering is prepared on a Friday afternoon and re-heated after sundown on Saturday. Thus the reputation for overcooked items, etc. One of the things you should ask is WHEN they cook most of their food. Prep is fine the day prior, but cooking should happen that evening (convey your concern of not overcooking). If you are getting married on a Saturday in November and sunset is at around 4:30, you probably won't be able to realistically serve any food until 7:30 (if it is being cooked fresh that day).

If you are in the new york area, I strongly suggest Foremost caterers as they not only provide a meal that doesn't "seem Kosher" (as related to that bad association with Kosher catering) it is absolutely some of the BEST off premise food that I've ever tasted. It is imaginative and hip and pretty and the service is wonderful.

In terms of the cake, anything that you ask your caterer to serve (including wines and champagnes) must be Kosher, so with cake, it must be Pareve. A lot of people don't like Pareve baked goods, (I personally LOVE pareve) so discuss with the caterer serving a tasty dessert (a fruit tart, etc) as an alternative to the cake so that you don't feel bad serving a not so hot cake.

Ceremony Sites: Rules of the Church

The Q: "Hi, I am a bride to be and my fiance and I recently found a wonderful reception site in New Rochelle, NY.  We are having some difficulty finding a Catholic church in the area that welcomes non-parishioners.  My parents are from NJ and his family is from LI and CT.  Our families really want a church ceremony. Do you have any suggestions about what we can do?" - Clarissa

The A: Clairssa, fret naught, yours is a familiar, and frustrating dilemma.  I'm going to offer you a couple of suggestions, which vary in degree of honesty.  Is that a sin? OK, never ming, I'm only going to offer you honest suggestions and then I'll tell you dishonest ways that other people that I have known and worked with have done in the same situation.

First, and easiest, is if your parents or you yourself, are actually a practicing, frequent church going Catholic at your local parish.  If that is the case, simply go to your local priest, and explain the situation to him.  See if he will be kind enough to contact the parish closest to your reception site and basically, vouch for you as a church participant and ask if they would be willing to marry you in their church.  This is a much more successful route than going by yourself to the new church location.

The second, harder route is to attend mass at the church, introduce yourself to the priest after mass and make an appointment there and ask yourself about wanting to get married in their church despite not living in the area, which may or may not work.  If they tell you it's only for parishoners, you may just need to join the parish and take up a new hobby of commuting to New Rochelle a couple of times a month for your mass requirements.

The third way is something I don't advocate, but I've seen work: clients have used local mailing addresses to join a parish and register there for the service.  I think it's better to just put the face time in, or to explain that you do attend services at your regular parish.

The truth is you may find that the most convenient church might not want you to have the ceremony there. Churches vary on their rules about this, and so you may end up having to "shop" around for a church that will happily take you.  In all cases, the options above are still good approaches.

Budget Smudget

The Q: "How much does a wedding potentially cost? Including your fees?" - EMH

The A:  I thought this was a great question, just because it's never been asked, but is totally helpful!  Here is the deal, the national wedding average is about $29K right now, which includes grand celebrity fetes as well as couples going to city hall and having a bite in the park with friends afterwards.  Sooo, regionally, that translates to (and these are all off hand approximations of much more specific numbers collected by the Fairchild Bridal Group) around 39K in NY, NJ and LI and around 32 or 33K in Chicago and the SF Bay area, etc., etc.

What these numbers don't tell you is per guest spending (not just per  plate at the reception venue, but really, all in)   Two couples could end up spending the exact same amount on a wedding but one is extravagant with only 70 guests and the other is pushing the limits of money with 300 guests.   I would tell you that in my experience, in New York, you are probably going to spend somewhere around 275 per guest all in for a basic ceremony and reception. 

So, for us, most of our clients weddings are between 90-250,000 and within that, there is our fee.  For a client getting married and attempting to stay near the national average or the NYC average, I would say that it likely doesn't automatically include the services of a planner, but that a DOC would still be a good investment for you. 

If you want to figure what that national average probably looks like in terms of actual costs, figure that 50% of that cost is related to venue, food and beverage and the rest goes to all the other stuff! Especially here in NY!

I hope that helps!!!

A Ceremony Site on Long Island

The Q: "My brother and future sister-in-law are having some difficulty finding a chapel/church or other location to host their ceremony.  Also, they are planning on having an interfaith wedding (Catholic and Jewish); luckily our cousin is a priest and is thrilled to co-officiate, but they dont know where to start looking for a rabbi.  Neither are active in the Jewish community (her father is Jewish and they are trying to honor his faith), so its become difficult.  They reception is going to be at Westchester Country Club in Long Island, but I dont know where they'd prefer to have the ceremony (Manhatten or Long Island)  Any suggestions?"

The A: Luckily, finding a Rabbi or a cantor for an interfaith ceremony is usually a little easier than finding a Catholic priest.  People can often refer you to someone who is both comfortable performing interfaith and authorized to do so.  From our own personal experience, I can highly recommend Rabbi Ari Fridkis, located in Manhattan.  He did a beautiful service with us last fall.  I've also become acquainted with Rabbi Mordecai Genn and have found him to be charming and a pianist!  Nice combo!  Googling will provide you with contact info for both. 

Having your ceremony on site is always a good, stressless call.  Since, despite having a priest on site, the ceremony won't count as a sacrament (because interfaith ceremony cannot be performed in a Catholic church and if it isn't inside a Catholic church, it doesn't count as a sacrament) they are free to have the ceremony ANYWHERE that they would like. 

However, if they want a church/ chapel like feel in New York, they may want to investigate the All Souls Church. If they just want something beautiful, they might want to investigate Covent Garden in Central Park.  Or, for a smaller wedding, the Morris Jumel Mansion near Columbia University. 

On Long Island, I would suggest the Nassau County Art Museum's sculpture Garden.  It's an amazing back drop for exchanging vows. 

Getting the Ring You Want

The Q:" I hope you guys can help me; I need some unbiased and honest advice. Maybe you've even brainstormed on this in the past. My boyfriend and I are wonderfully in love, we are a great match and we feel so lucky to be together. I'm just saying that so you know we're legit and I'm not a floozy. :-) So we are definitely getting married, we talk about it and are shopping for a house. He's asked for ring hints a few times and I got shy! Why?! I don't know. Wasn't expecting it, I guess. Yes, he knows and understands my style. He is very observant. So here's the "problem" - I've been daydreaming about rings and doing research when I'm bored at work, and I've found a GREAT site with AWESOME rings that I love, at really amazing prices. It's a site off the beaten path, so I don't think he'd ever find it. How can I "introduce" him to the site? I know I don't have the guts to just say it. It's just too much of uncharted territory for me. I can't think of a person who could share it with him - that would be awkward and weird. Do I just wait for him to bring it up again, and then offer the information? Any good way to make an impression about it? I would really appreciate any help, this may sound trivial but for some reason I'm letting it get the best of me and I just want him to know what I know... you know? :-) Thank you Ladies, xoxoxo!! (oh and if you want to know the site -- you probably already know it -- but if you are curious, I'll share. Just didn't want to be plugging a random site when I'm just here for your expert opinion....) thanks again!!! I love your site!" - Martha

The A: Martha, great question!  My husband (bless his wonderful heart) is totally unobservant and doesn't quite get my style, so I basically went to the store with him, picked out something beautiful and he added the element of surprise by waiting a year to actually give it to me! (it's TRUE! I was going CRAZY) Anyhoo, fast forward a couple of years and the big change it really that I've learned to be a little more subtle.  So here are my tips for "getting the ring you want":

1) Enlist support.  Try to find someone on his team to help you out- be it an enthusiastic sibling, a close friend that you also are friends with or some other boyfriend friendly, "straight talker" who can say- are you guys thinking about getting engaged soon?" and then they can take the opportunity later to send an email with a link or to mention the website with your dream ring.
2) Use his computer.  I am desperate for a Michele Watch.  I have one that I love and I want it for my anibirthary. (my anniversary and my birthday are right on top of each other).  Every morning, after I blog from my husbands laptop (KEY POINT: USE HIS COMPUTER) I visit my Michele Watch and leave it open to the watch I want.  This is passive aggressive, yes, but his inner wonderfulness is appreciating the hint. 
3) Drop conversational hints.  This doesn't work with my husband, but you said your guy was observant, so this is often a good tactic for guys with that skill set.  Talk about someone at work who was looking at the site, or if you know someone who got their ring there, mention it and that it had great deals and really pretty things.  I've been talking about this watch for months, but I don't know that it's helped me.  You might have better luck.
4) Trust his taste.  I meet with dozens of brides each year and 90% of the time the rings they have are amazing AND selected by the groom independently of the bride.  I'm always shocked with how well these guys can do on their own.  Sometimes the element of surprise is more enjoyable than getting the item that you picked yourself!

Affordable Lofts Around New York

The Q: I have a question maybe you guys can help me out. My sister is getting married sometime in fall, not sure when, but i was wondering if you guys can recommend a loft that's not so expensive that may provide all the linnens and tables chairs etc.. but has enough dance room? -Solange in New York

The A: Well, probably with all things wedding, affordable is always relative! We love the Metropolitan Building in Long Island City, which is and isn't affordable, but it includes a ton of stuff that makes it work out to be a smart choice in some ways. The Met Building has two floors, or the whole building and has one space that holds about 125 for dinner and dancing and another space that holds around 200-220 for dinner and dancing (maybe a bit more). It's a real ecclectic and awesome space- maybe not for everyone's taste- but the location rental fee (which starts at around $5500 for the lower level and goes to $10K for the entire building) includes nearly unlimited hours for your party- you can load in at 9AM and leave almost whenever you want- as well as tables and wooden folding chairs. Linens, plates and glasses are included when you use their AMAZING recommended caterer. The venue also has a fabulous collection of vintage style lounge furniture (think chaise lounges, velvet ottomons, victorian style coffee tables, etc) that they make available for events at no additional charge. The inclusion of all these things really does add up, but again, if you aren't into the folding chairs, the savings probably becomes minimal- using their chairs saves you about $4 per guest. For the linens, your rental company will have a great selection, both of basics and of more elaborate table tops. But, be sure if budget is a concern that you stick with the simple cottons. For affordable rentals with reliable service, I suggest either Broadway Famous or Tri Serve.

Lucky 7's

The Q:"How Can One Have a Totally Free, Spontaneously planned Wedding on the MOST popular wedding day of the year"- Xochitl

The A: OK, so I have to tell you, I just got an email about this and thought it was so bizarre, but brilliant for the right couple! EVERYONE has been wanting 7/7/07 as a date- we've been getting calls for nearly 2 years! So many people that not everyone can find a place to have their wedding. Wal Mart is having a contest for couples who have been Lucky in Love and they are giving 7 couples a fully paid for ceremony and reception on 7/7/07. It's an essay contest. The winners get Garden Parties furnished and hosted by Wal Mart. It's a bit wacky, but sweet, don't you think? I'm a born and bred New Yorker, so I don't know that I've been to Wal Mart (what a sheltered life I've lived). Is there a Wal Mart around here? Is this like having a sponsored wedding? I don't know, I haven't really debated the cultural implications of it, but I thought it was so wacky that it made me smile!

Here's the info:
http://survey.gsquaredtemplates.com/TakeSurvey.asp?SurveyID=3K26o3KH7771K

Block Shock: Hotel Contracts and Blocks

The Q:"I have a lot of out of town guests, so I thought I'd get a block of rooms at a hotel nearby the reception site. I got a contract, and the rate was a little high, but I figured it was Miami, so what else do you expect. I went on the website though and checked out the dates and the rate on the site was MUCH LOWER! What is going on here? Is this normal? I thought I was supposed to be getting a deal!" - Autumn in Miami

The A: It's seems crazy, doesn't it??? But, in actual, real hoteconomics, it makes good sense for the customer. Basically, what the hotel is doing is allowing you to LOCK IN THE RATE. Today, in February, that rate might be high, but the hotel might also be empty. So, they are trying to fill it and offering specials. Once that hotel books some rooms, the rate will go higher and higher and HIGHER. Until it's much higher than what they are originally quoting you. So, the way the block helps you is by locking in a rate, no matter what happens. Generally, the hotel realizes that the rate is going to go up higher than the rate they offer you. Usually about $20 more per room.

So, here is my advice. If your hotel is running a special, have your loved ones book- your parents, etc, etc. Then, deduct those rooms from your block total and contract for a few less rooms for your general guests. Now, if you have a disorganzed family (you might want to look at our family and stress section) and don't think they will pull it together to take advantage of the rate, simply ask your Sales person at the hotel to add 1 clause guaranteeing that your rate will be lower than the rate offered to the general public within 4 weeks of your wedding date.

Just remember, hotels and airlines are closely related businesses- rates and space are constantly in flux. A block locks in your rate and your space!

Dreams vs. Budget Reality

The Q:"Is it really possible to have my dream wedding in NYC and stay on a budget?"- Sam in NYC

The A: Yes... and no. It's totally possible, but it involves 3 disciplines, Compromise, Restraint and Resolve.

If you know that budget it important, it's important for you to accept compromise as a part of your wedding planning process from the outset. Do I mean settle for less when it comes to your dream day? No. But I do mean identifying areas that are of the UTMOST importance to you, prioritizing those and maybe deciding where you can go "Loehmann's" in other areas.

"Loehmann's" wedding planning means that you don't need to go highest end, retail price for every single service. You should find areas where you can find "designer discounts". For instance, let's say you know for a fact that you want So and So Photographer. He is 10,000. (don't gasp, its possible here in NYC) This is the most important thing for you. You also love the work of Such and Such florist. They do the most interesting things and you are just in love with their designs. However, you realize that the Photographer is the MOST IMPORTANT thing and this is less so, and you have a strong sense of what you like and what you want things to look like. So instead, you shop around online for a floral provider who seems to be able to emulate a few different styles. You bring in your photos and clippings of arrangements that you like and you get a quote that's much more reasonable, because perhaps this florist isn't as famous or does greater volume, etc. That is a Loehmann's approach to wedding planning. It isn't less fashionable, but it is less expensive and you pick and choose your "splurges".

So, in addition to compromise of expectation, I think the other tip is to CONTROL your guestlist. If you can do this, you can splurge on what happens with each guest versus simply paying to get people to the table. This will involve some restraint. But if your dream day involves a 4 star meal and a fine wines and the best band ever, then you MUST control the number of people if you are on a budget. However, if your dream involves everyone the two of you have ever known being there, then you should re-think the need to have everything be really high end.

And that really brings us to the final idea, which is Resolve. When on a budget, your worst enemy is indeciscion and uncertainty. If you don't know what you like or what you want or what style of wedding you want, you will have NO guidelines with which to direct your budget. If you don't know if you want a black tie, sit down dinner or a casual buffet, how will you set a catering budget and how will you know if you can afford 75 people or 175 people? How will you decide? You must decide the kind of atmopshere and style of wedding you want in order to make your life easier. For instance, if you are the couple I referenced above who wants everyone on the planet at your wedding reception and you look at your budget, you might realize "OK, I think that necessity is going to dictate buffet, so let me wrap my head around WHY I wanted everyone there- is my real dream to be dancing and partying with all these people that we loved? If so, then let me not stres out that we're having buffet (because that's totally acceptable) and let me focus on the entertainment and the drinks and making the large celebration the focus of the party.

So, yes, you can have an amazing wedding, but I think the real advice is to adjust your "dream" wedding around the things that are most priority to you and it will be much easier to find satisfaction in your wedding planning process.

Long Engagements vs. Short

The Q: "How Much Time Do We Need to be Engaged? What's realistic, really?" -Abbey, NYC

The A: Three Months. Seriously! But only for those who are willing to compromise. So if that isn't you, let's skip to the next paragraph and then we'll come back to you, the lass or lad who is just IN LOVE and wants DO IT NOW!!!!

Ok, so for the rest of you. Well, for the rest of you in NYC. In New York, the ideal engagement is 9-12 months. But here is the truth: you need 2 months to do the following:
book your space for ceremony and reception
Book photo
Book band/ DJ
Book video (if you want - someone ask me about the popularity of video, please)
Book a decorator/ florist (consider us, ladies!)
Book EVERYONE!!!!
PICK dresses and hotel blocks and then
PICK save the dates and SEND THEM OUT.

and then, you know what! CHILL OUT! CHILLLLLL OUT!

Don't do anything until it's about 6 months out! REALLY. Seriously. Here's the truth. In New York, getting married, like getting a fiancee (and a career, and an apartment) is COMPETITIVE. No one likes to lose and no one wants to know that their date is "no longer available". So, assemble your team. Meeting them and seeing them will absolutely INSPIRE you. Really!

When you get to the six month mark, you should have picked all of your dresses, etc, and your place and then it's time to actually think about the invites themselves.

After you have an invitation, you should have a pretty good idea about the look and feel you want for your venues. Now is the time to tackle decor. And not much sooner.

The truth is that the longer you are engaged, the longer you have time and more time to second guess and question every aspect of the day. The truth is, you, lucky lady, are working with Pros who do this EVERY WEEK. There is no real purpose in doubting and stressing and questioning your choices or theirs over and over again. Six months is JUST enough time to make decisions and not second guess them.

And truthfully (passionate lovebirds, who can't wait another day, I'm talking to you) you could do it in 3 months. If you are willing to not take the Puck if it isn't available or the Pierre or the Gallery you wanted, etc, etc. then this is the MOST ROMANTIC, MOST FUN way to go! You get better deals, less stress and general better times when you do a shorter engagement. But you shouldn't do this if you WANT an August wedding or an October Wedding. You should do this if in December, you got a ring and wanted to do it as soon as humanly possible. And that's the way it is!

We got engaged (woo!hoo!) Now what?

Wow, well, this is literally the FIRST question most of our clients will ask us!! After you get uber excited and have called everyone, some reality does sort of set in and you realize, THIS IS A LOT OF WORK! It's super easy to get distracted by the fun stuff- shopping for dresses, registries (if you consider 8 hours with a scan gun fun) and selecting flowers and decorations, but the real first thing you should do is sit down with those that you love and figure out exactly how big this wedding is gonna be! Or, more accurately, how big would everybody like it to be! Here's the deal, the worst case situation is that you and your fiancee have been living in a bubble of love, potentially semi oblivious to the 20 2nd cousins (and their spouses) on your dad's side who are all expecting to be invited to your wedding. And suddenly your wedding of 50 of your closest friends and family looks more like 175 and the cute little loft you found just doesn't work. Well, I don't need to extrapolate the nightmare of your first go-round with that conversation with your parents! The moral of the story is really this- figure out who you sort of HAVE to invite first, and then who you kind of have to invite. After that, well, now it's the icky stuff! How on earth are you going to pay for this!? Here's the deal, you HAVE to figure out what you can realistically spend. Between now and the day that you get married, and the realistic contributions of your parents or your fiancee's parents, what's realistic. Maybe it's 30K, Maybe it's 50K, Maybe it's 100K or more. But either way, before you start shopping, figure out what stores you should be going into! I love me some Barney's, but some months (like this month when I had to buy my nephew Band in a Box and a few other cutesy items) I have no business taking my butt in the store. I COULD theoretically, but it would be much smarter and less stressful in the long run to create a fabulous ensemble over at Century 21. I'm not saying you need to decide to have a discount (albeit glorious discount!) wedding, it's more that you should figure out the comfortable overlap between how many people you need to have and what places might be lucky enough to have you there for your wedding! You may have noticed I haven't yet mentioned WHEN you want to have your wedding. If you are in the city, there's a decently good reason for that. If you want to get married in 3 months, well, that is your first decision. It needs to trump everything else. If you are open to a few dates, well, figure out the items above and then start shopping! Ceremony Site, Venue location, Budget and Guest Size are your happy top 4 tasks! Happy Engagement and get cracking!