Always a Blogsmaid

Rich Bride, Poor Bride: A Mother's Dilemma

The Q: I'm the mother of a groom who is getting married in a few months as well as the mother of a daughter who just recently got engaged. While I'm very excited for both of my children, I'm more than a bit stressed out particularly because their weddings will be only months apart from one another and my son's future wife is from a very wealthy family. They are planning a wedding which will be the talk of our entire town, and inviting literally hundreds of people. I on the other hand am a single mother and really don't have the ability to do anything nearly as lavish for my daughter. And while I am doing everything that I can, I don't know how to not make this seem like a competition for my daughter and her future sister-in-law. Any advice?

The A: Hmm, while I totally see your anxiety, I think that a lot of this may not yet even be happening, and it may just be your own desire to see both of your children happy/ your stress about not wanting your daughter to feel second rate. I think that feeling "second rate" per se, is so much more about attitude than about riches and I think that you should lavish your daughter with wedding attention if you cannot create something literally lavish. She will probably appreciate that more anyway.

However, I would like to say that it might be worth your while to have a quiet conversation with your son to tell him that you are SO excited about his wedding and his bride, but since his sister's wedding will be a more modest affair, you hope he won't mind if you focus your energies on helping her make her wedding day special while you take care of your "mother of the groom responsibilities" for him. Those responsibilities include wearing beige, dancing with your son and hosting the rehearsal dinner.

I think he and your FDIL should understand that your role as MOB is a demanding one, but it's up to you to NOT let this play out like a home based version of Rich Bride, Poor Bride. Attention to detail and thought are the things that make a wedding special, not the guest list or the size of the budget. The less of an issue you make out of being a have-not, so to speak, the less it will bug your daughter.

Conflicting Destination Drama

The Q: My fiance and I got engaged back in early April. We quickly picked a date, a general location, created a website and contacted many of our guests, so they could keep up to date with our planning.

My fiance's sister got engaged about a month ago, so about 2 months after we did. We are very excited for them, as the four of us are very close.

So now, my FSIL is starting to plan her wedding. She's now narrowing in on a date only 3 short weeks after ours. We both are doing destination weddings (not out of the country, but destination to all of our guests, and ourselves).

Obviously, my fiance's side of the family guest list is the same as hers.
Now we're put in a bad spot. His family and family friends will have to choose... to go to one, to go to both, or not go to either. My fiance is very upset about this, his sister doesn't seem to care if these people come
or not. His mother is very upset and is urging her to move the date.

We don't know what to do. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end, but two destination weddings 3 weeks apart is a bit much to ask. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? Thanks!

The A: Wow! OK, the thing is that it seems that everyone has actually made their feelings clear to your FSIL, including your MIL and your Fiance, so short of something really intense (like threatening to boycott it or something ridiculous) you cant force her to move it. Unless of course your in laws are paying, in which case they can withhold finds for the day. they don't even have to be jerks about it- participating in two children's weddings back to back like that is a financial expense for them too!                                         But, assuming that your FSIL is going to move ahead anyway, I think the question becomes WHY she doesn't care if no one comes? Perhaps she picked this date in the hopes of getting "lost" in the excitement of your plans and not have to be the focus of attention. Its possible that she is hoping that no one comes b/c she really wants a small wedding, but feels pressured to invite more people.  I think it might be helpful to say to her instead of "don't", "why?"  if what she really wants is just a small. tiny affair without all the family and extended guest list, perhaps everyone can let her feel OK about that and she might be more open to having her wedding her way (small, less family) without creating stress and anxiety amongst your family and guests.....

The Non-Bridesmaid Dilemma

The Q:  You always come through with great advice, so I need your help.  I have a problem and I don't quite know how to deal with it.  I have a good friend from college and she is one of my bridesmaids.  We aren't as close as we used to be, but I thought we were still good friends.  She is getting married a week after me.  She had told me before that she only wanted to have one bridesmaid at her wedding.  I didn't ask who her bridesmaid was because I didn't want to have an awkward conversation.  As it turns out, she is having several and I am not one of them.  It just really hurts my feelings and I feel like it puts a damper on the pre-wedding festivities.  Do you have any advice on how to deal with it?  Also - she is not the type to "talk things out."  She has just always been that way.

The A:  Wow.  This is awkward, hmm?  And it must feel hurtful, so for that I'm kind of sorry. 

I don't know who got engaged first, as it's possible that she didn't ask you to be in her bridal party as a point of consideration for your own hectic schedule.  However, the fact that she never addressed that fact with you or explained to you that she was having a bridal party at all doesn't make that seem likely.

The thing is that if she isn't the type to talk about things, it's going to be hard to address it directly without the tension of dual wedding stress getting the better of both of you.  I think that the path of least resistance is the hardest to mentally deal with, because that would basically require you to just say to your self "You know what, she's around in my bridal party, but clearly we aren't as close as I thought, so I'm just going to say that she's a fun person to have around (hopefully she is) and I'm happy she'll be at my shower/ hen night, etc".

Frankly though, I would just decide to myself that she is in YOUR bridal party because her friendship in the past meant a lot to YOU and that you chose your maids  based on people whose relationships were critcial to you over time and not just right now.  I think if you accept why you selected her and realize that she used her own criteria and was subject to different politics than you were, it may be best to just enjoy the fact that you have a gaggle of girls around you on your wedding day that have been there for you over various stages of your life.  Then you can just enjoy the fact that the next weekend (when you are exhausted and still basking in wedding glory) you can wear whatever you want and get hammered at the open bar. :-)

That's a harder place to get to mentally, but it's also the one that if you can get there, will give you the least amount of drama and grief.

Bridesmaid Dress 911!

The Q:  I'm hoping that you can help me wrap my head around a situation... I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding that is coming up VERY VERY SOON.  It's in about 3 weeks. I ordered my bridesmaid dress late, took my measurements myself and now the dress has come in finally and it doesn't fit.  Not in a too big way, but in a too too small way!  I don't even know what to do and I've avoided telling the bride, because I know it's just going to freak her out completely.  I have already put a call into the salon and they told me it's too late to order a new dress and get it on time....What can I do!!!

The A: EEEK!  Wow, Ok, deep breaths. You must try and stay calm about this.  The first thing that you need to do is to contact a dressmaker in your area- someone who actually makes dresses, not someone who does the hems at your drycleaners.    Make an appointment and see in what way they think they can fix it.  In the meantime, you need to, either through the gown store OR through the manufacturer directly (and it's probably easier going through your gown store b/c they will have a relationship with the manufacturer) and purchase some of the fabric that the gown was made with from them.  The tailor will be able to let you know how much you will need. 

Once you start the ball rolling to fix it, just let the bride know that your dress was a bit too small, but you are taking care of it.

If for some reason you can't get the actual fabric from the manufacterer, you and your tailor will need to hit the streets and find the closest match, but I think you will have luck going through the dress designer.

I'm not saying to keep the bride in the dark, but don't shed light on the problem until you have made efforts to correct it.  She doesn't need a NEW stress dropped on her lap, but will appreciate knowing about it and knowing that you are handling your business!

GOOD LUCK!

Inviting the Bridal Party

The Q: "I have been engaged for a few months, and my fiance and I are about to take a trip to visit some of my closest friends.  I have already asked my sister to be my maid of honor, and to even out my fiancee's side, I need to select two more friends.  I was wondering if you had any advice -- I have no idea what duties bridesmaids do traditionally (unlike this blog, I am never a bridesmaid, always a wedding singer), and that makes it harder to pick good attendants who I know will reduce my wedding day stress rather than add to it.  What kinds of roles do bridesmaids usually play in a wedding outside of looking beautiful and witnessing the ceremony?"

The A:

Thank you for the question. I find that we get this from a lot of brides in some format or another: sometimes it's about how to replace a bridesmaid if someone has to drop out or, such as in this case, who you should invite or if you should bother to "even out bridesmaids to groomsmen". You should only ask your VERY CLOSEST friends or relatives to be bridesmaids. Seriously. If you don't have really obvious choices for your bridesmaids identities, then I suggest you don't have them. It will be much less stressful to only have a maid of honor and have your other two groomsmen walk down the aisle single file or side by side than to increase the size of your bridal party. Generally speaking, with rare exceptions, more bridesmaids and groomsmen always results in more stress than less- through no fault of anyone's in particular! I'll explain the psychology of being a bridesmaid a little bit: it's very expensive, and unless you truly are great friends with the bride, it often results in being less helpful and more disgruntled. A bridesmaid is being asked to not only being purchase a dress, possibly travel and host showers, the bachelorette and of course, give presents but also to "help alleviate wedding day stress". I've found, in our experience, that many ladies give "virtual" eye rolls when on top of the above they are being asked to stuff invites, put together programs and sometimes act as a "day of" coordinator. It's truly a labor of love and therefore I feel, not just something you ask someone to do to help solve an aesthetic dilemma in your procession. In terms of duties,my other suggestion is that other than having a bridal party "wrangler" - who calls everyone and makes sure they are at the rehearsal on time and that they are where they need to be on time on the wedding day, all bridesmaids duties should be limited, in formal terms, to pre-wedding day activities. They want to celebrate with you and surround you with love- but they aren't wedding planners. Obviously, in a pinch, they should roll up their sleeves (or take off their wraps!) but I would hesitate to assign your girls to duties such as liaising with the band or managing your shotlist with the photographer. While they have the best intentions, it's too easy for a celebratory girlfriend to let something you deem important fall through the cracks!

Double Bests

The Q: "My fiance and I both have siblings and best friends, so I am having 2 Maids of Honor and he is having 2 Best Men.  So, my question is, do we have to have 4 toasts?" 

The A: The short, completely ignorant response is, NO.  However, not knowing who these 4 people are and what saying that only one of each can speak could potentially start a real STRESS storm for you, so please note my answer is not unilateral, just technical.  Technically speaking, there is no requirement that they all must speak. 

Because an MOH toast is really a newer phenomenon, you might opt to just have your best men speak, and not offer up the option to your MOHs, and save that for the rehearsal dinner.  OR you can open it up to everyone, but say to them that they don't ALL need to speak if they don't want to.  I can't tell you how many weddings we work on where we have to drag up the BM or the MOH to speak- people don't always enjoy public speaking.

But ultimately, you will remember their words and they will stick with you, so if you want to have those words as a part of your day, 10 extra minutes off of the dance floor isn't going to ruin the night.....

Financial Independence

Ladies, I am literally heading out the door today (Ah, Italia!  Buon Pasquale!) and will return on Tuesday. But I thought I'd address a quick question before I run out of town.  In the meantime, while I"m gone, I'll be reposting some of our earlier questions from back when we first started the blog.

The Q: "I am an older first time bride with a successful career.  I was very touched when I got engaged to find out that my aging parents had saved up a nice bit of money to pay for my wedding.  However, I can easily afford to plan the kind of reception that we would like to have.  I don’t want to offend my parents, but I also don’t want them to use money that they will need for retirement as they are now on a fixed income."

The A: Tricky!  You don’t want to offend your parents at all, but you are also concerned about their own financial independence. 
    I think you should suggest telling them that you are touched by their actions, but that you want to have a pretty simple day and so it would mean a lot to you if they hosted a small engagement party instead as a way for your families to mix and mingle in advance.  Or, perhaps you suggest that they purchase your gown and accessories as a gift to you. 
    The point is that you shouldn’t totally shun their offer- it clearly means something to them to contribute to some aspect of this for you- so you should give them a large, substantial project to finance.  This will make them feel included, important and, above all, if they are older, that they are doing their part.  Many people of older generations feel it is their duty to finance their daughters’ wedding celebrations and you don’t want them to feel that were prohibited from doing their part.
    Should they protest, you should tell them that it would make you just as happy to see them do something wonderful for themselves.

 

A Communal Invitation: Growing Guest lists

The Q: "My mother and I have hit a wall with the guest list. My dream wedding would include an intimate ceremony and reception for about 80 guests. My mother on the other hand has dreams of upwards to 175!

In my attempt to bend, i have pushed the number up to 125-150. Even still this is not enough for her. My father is a minister, and she insists upon offering an open invitation to the church.

I trying to understand this. At the same time my FI and I are on a miniscule budget. We can barely afford to feed 150 and thats at the bare bones lunch rate that i can get with my desired banquet hall.

My FI and I are financing this wedding as both sets of parents are not in a good place financially. My mother claims that we can make this work. That they (my parents) will put up the extra money, but I just can not see how they could do so. At this point I need to move forward with my plans for a November '08 wedding. i cannot continue to sit idly by and wait for some supposed money that may never materialize!

What should I do? Am I being unreasonable? Is she? How do i put my foot down with a woman who only has one daughter? She said last nite that she knows its my day, but its her day too. I think I understand but how can I get her to see the reality of our finances? Her head seems stuck in the clouds while mine are firmly planted on the ground!"

The A: Your stress is merited and I applaud you for your patience and understanding of a mother's love and her desire to share joy with everyone (LITERALLY, everyone) that she knows! I even applaud your realism, though that's probably what's giving you stress.

So, essentially, this is going to require a bit of putting your "foot down" and perhaps the best way to do this is to put the costs up front to her NOW vs. making it seem like something that you would need to worry about in November. Show her your deposit schedule for your venue and say that having a reception for 175 at your reception space requires a deposit that is larger than you can handle right now since you have to give deposits to your DJ, photographer and more. Therefore, you must cut the guest list down because you won't risk going into debt for this wedding.

If this doesn't seem to appeal to her then I would suggest that you consider two receptions perhaps held a week apart, or even in the same weekend as a compromise. Perhaps your ceremony itself is kept more intimate, followed by your INTIMATE lunch reception for the barest minimum of family and friends. Then consider issuing an invitation to your congregation and extended friend circle of your parents to a public blessing of your marriage the following week followed by a cake and punch reception for everyone- all 175 or 200 guests in your church gathering hall (this is assuming that you have one). Perhaps this is where you take care of, or even repeat if you feel you want them to be part of your first day, some of your formalities with a SIMPLE sound system, such as your first dances and parent dances and fun stuff like the bouquet toss. This should literally be a simple 2 hour gathering and the wording on the invitation should say something to the effect of "You are invited to celebrate our marriage at a cake a punch reception following services on......"

I think that this would enable them to feel that everyone had a chance to be a part of your marriage celebration, but will save you some money.

At some point, depending on how they receive the above ideas (if you like them) you may simply need to come out and decide how far you will go. Do you forgo flowers to pay for more guests? Do you use an ipod instead of a DJ? My main thought is that while it's great to include people, it's important to start your new life in a financially sound place and not drowning in wedding debt!

Do's and Don'ts for Divorced Parents (who don't get along)

The Q: "Hi:  My sister is getting married next summer, and I think she’s looking through rose-colored glasses when it comes to our parents, who split up when we were in grade school...My sister says, “They get along fine.”  Well, yes, they get along fine because they have absolutely zero contact.  They’ve spoken less than half a dozen times over the last 15 years.
            Mom loathes stepmom, who she believes torpedoed her marriage to dad.  They have never spoken.  Dad and stepmom have two children who are almost teenagers; Mom has never met them and refuses to even talk about them....
        I foresee a lot of tension and awkwardness, especially regarding pictures and seating.  My sister just believes that they’re all adults and will act nicely.  Do you think this is realistic?  What should she do to reduce the potential landmines in this situation?"  Thanks for your help, Sister of the Bride

The A: WOW!  Ok, no, I don't think that this will be as smooth as your sister imagines, but here are my "Do's and Don'ts" to avoid Divorced Parent Disasters.

DO Delegate Planning Activities: Anticipate some tensions as you plan, especially if you were close to your stepmother. From the beginning, decide who is going to be a part of what. Give one person (probably mom) the attire"beat" and one the floral and personal flower beat.  Meaning, mom would be invited to dress shop and fittings, etc.  While step mom would come see floral sample (or invitations). Don't get them both involved in all projects.  Also, if both Mom and Dad are contributing to the wedding financially, decide on what their budgets are and outline the areas that they will cover. This will prevent them from asking too much about "how much is your mother giving.

DO Educate your Parents about Etiquette: Talk with them IN ADVANCE about the concerns that you have and let them know how you want to handle things so that nothing comes as a surprise and you manage expectations in advance.  i.e.  "Step mom, I talked to a wedding coordinator, and she said that my mother is traditionally the last guest to sit at the reception before the bridal party enters, so let's have you enter a bit before escorted by So and So." I think a good idea is to purchase a Peggy Post Etiquette book for everyone, so that there is a frame of reference that is the same for everyone on how things are "done" at weddings with divorce. Less stress on your sister this way.

DO Remember MOM's place: This is probably the MOST stressful area, because it's when people feel the most on display. Three guidelines to make it clear cut.  Your mom is the last guest seated before the bridal party starts processing (unless it's a Jewish ceremony when she should enter with you).  She is the first of the parents to recess at the end.  She is the first person announced into the reception(or simply skip this, and remove the stress) and if your mother is un-attached or without a date,she should always have a mutually pre-determined escort for all of the moments above.

DO Make a Shotlist and Timetable See preventative conversation, but also create a DETAILED shot list which outlines EXACT conversations and splits photos with mom's side into a distinctly different shoot than photos with dad's side. I suggest all photos being done in advance if possible, preferably close to the ceremony site (before alcohol is served) and assigning people different arrival times.  For instance the person with the smallest extended family is invited to arrive at 4PM at photo location (mom,Aunt Vera,Uncle Steve,Cousin Rob) followed by arrival the groom's family and Dad at 4:15.  Have a quick photo (if you want it) of bride with both Mom and Dad, but avoid if not desperately necessary.  Mom is now free to mingle or return to bridal suite, etc.  at 4:30 have the extended family of your dad arrive.

DON'T Revise History They've had a long hard road together that has had an impact on everyone.  Don't try to force a lot of togetherness and don't sugar coat for your in-laws.  You don't need to delve into details, but the more upfront you are with everyone about the coldness between them, the less stressful this will be for everyone (think preparedness.

DON'T Use this as a platform for Reconciliation This is ultimately about the joining of two people in love with a pledge for life.  Not a time to try and clear the air or forge bonds or mend fences.  Keep the focus on the wedding and don't let others stray into that other territory either.

DON'T Make the Reception a "Parade of Toasts" Limit the number of people who will speak at the reception to the barest minimum.  I suggest just your best man and maid of honor.  Don't open yourself up to dealing with negotiating hurt feelings or censorship of toasts!

Family Weddings Back to Back: Whose Right, Whose Wrong?

The Q: Is there set etiquette regarding a sibling and the amount of time after your wedding when they should get married? I am getting married at the end of June 2008 and my fiancé's brother has recently decided to get married late August/early September 2008. The brother has only dated the girl less than a year and got engaged after us to so we aren't even attempting to over shadow their happiness. But I am so hurt by this because I feel like it has not allowed enough time for our wedding especially for my fiancé's family. I feel like I have been backed into a corner and unable to really enjoy my wedding due to the overshadowing date of his brother's wedding. What do I do and how can I feel better about the situation?- Jamie

The A: Oh, Jamie, I feel badly that you're feeling this way. I totally understand. The thing is, there isn't really a set etiquette on it (Peggy Post even writes about the phenomenon of DOUBLE WEDDINGS: siblings getting married at the same time), but I would say as a rule of thumb I think 4-6 months is probably as close as I would want to get to my sibling's wedding. The other part of this is largely financial, for your fiance's family this second wedding (and possibly yours) will be a bit more of a stretch, since there is little "recovery" time.

However, what's done is done, so what we need to focus on is changing your perception,and I can do that with hard core facts. First, I think your worry should NOT be them overshadowing you, since you have already been engaged, it's been well announced and your wedding is STILL coming first. Secondly,lucky for you, YOU are the bride. Often, for the family of the groom, the involvement and investment is less critical to the process of planning the wedding. As his family will be the Parent of the Groom in both cases, I think you'll find that they will be able to spread their attention out (and since they know you for longer, you'll probably be on the winning side of that). If the second wedding were your fiance's SISTER, then I'd say you had better fight to be heard, but I think you'll find that it will sort itself out on the attention end. Also remember that YOUR wedding is coming first and so if extended family or guests can't make it to both, they will likely make it to yours, since they've known about it for a longer time period.

Finally, though, I think you should think about this is one ADDITIONALLY NEW way. Perhaps your fiance's brother and his fiancee selected this date NOT to TAKE ATTENTION FROM YOU but to TAKE ATTENTION FROM THEM. If they haven't been together for that long, they may want to escape too much scrutiny, or have a slightly smaller wedding, or do things their own way and figure that everyone will be so distracted with your wonderful wedding to pay much attention to theirs. One of our clients got married in October after the bride's sister was married in July. The July wedding was a 300 person, Southern tented extravaganza with fireworks, etc. The October wedding was 65 people in a gallery space in Manhattan. Essentially a dinner party. They were able to plan out all the details with us while her family was totally overwhelmed with her sister's wedding and this suited our clients' low key personality.

Bottom line, you are the bride and don't feel that anyone can put you in the corner ("Nobody puts Bride in the corner!")

Chin Up Jamie!

BTW, if anyone has had a double wedding/ is having a double wedding, can you write to me and tell me about it.

Sister Left Out

The Q:  "I am the middle sister in a family of three siblings - I have an older sister and a younger brother. We are all very close and loving. My oldest sister and I both had formal and somewhat small wedding
ceremonies with small bridal parties and always chose siblings over friends when it came to our selections.

Now my brother is marrying an only child. His fiancee is lovely and has many female friends, and I found out from her, in a casual way, that the bridesmaids were already selected and was able to ascertain
that my sister and I would not be invlved. When I confronted my brother,he confirmed. Basically, they are only going to have friends and not siblings.

I am honestly surprised by how incredibly hurt I feel about this decision. I can't believe that I am going to have to pick my own outfit and watch my brother get married with the rest of the crowd. I am also
crushed by how casually this deceison was presented to me. I am deeply afraid about how tactfully this information will be conveyed to my sister and have asked my brother to be more careful when he tells her.

My question is, is how should I deal? Should I just get over it quietly, knowing that this is "their day" and that the bride's happiness is first and foremost? Do I level with my brother in expressing how hurt I am at
the risk of marring their happiness and seeming too emotional? I don't want to ruin anyone's good time, but the idea that for years to come I will be seeing wedding party photos without my sister or myself honestly brings me to tears - and until now I never even thought that wedding ceremonies were that important." - Marie

The A:  Marie, I've touched on this topic several times before and in honesty, you have to just sort of deal with it since when you were a bride, you were able to have whom you wanted in  your bridal party and your new sister in law is entitled to the same freedom of choice that you have.  I can tell you that as an only child myself, I certainly felt much closer to my girlfriends at the time of bridal party selection, than I did to my sisters in law.
While I realize that it hurts your feelings, you should also give your brother the benefit of the doubt that you won't feel "like a regular guest" and that they will include you in the ceremony as either a reader, or a hostesss or whatever.  Additionally, you are family, and are clearly marked as special by usually being part of a family vehicle, not to mention family photos. 

The real un -"big" deal of a wedding is the bridal party.  They are rarely as helpful as they are rumored to be and if you want to use the wedding as a way to establish a bond with your sister in law, the opportunity to help her plan, despite not being a nominal bridesmaid, will totally do that for you.

In the end, remember, these are decisions made based on her life to this point and she might not have the benefit, right now, of understanding the bonds of your family. However, she soon will learn what a great wonderful family she is a part of.  But also remember, it's your brothers responsibility to ensure that his family feels to be honored and included in some way at this very special day.  And expressing that is totally OK!

I was involved with the GROOM!

The Q:"One of my best friends from college is getting married. He and I were involved years ago (in a very messy way) but have remained close friends despite our sexual history. Five years after graduation we have stayed in touch, remained friends, and have been supportive of one-another.

I have invited him and his fiancee over for brunch, my friend and I see one another socially, and I have made an effort to befriend the fiancee. Several months ago, he and his fiancee invited me to their October wedding. As I am currently in a wonderful relationship of over two years and have no issues with my friend getting married, my boyfriend and I gladly accepted. Now, my friend's fiancee has demanded that I not attend their wedding! She has even threatened to post-pone the event if my friend refuses to uninvite me.

I'm extremely hurt and very angry. My friend and I have been close for almost ten years and have been with one another through thick and thin. We're both very loyal people and consider our friendship really important. I can't imagine not being there for the most important day of his life, and now I can't imagine going. What's worse is, I know his fiancee is trying to end our friendship.

I could use some advice on how to handle this horrible situation."

The A: Oh my god, it is horrible! And yet, I'm so sad to say, you are hardly the first girl that this has happened to. THE FOLLOWING IS MY PERSONAL ADVICE, since this is only quasi Wedding Etiquettte related:

It's the extension of the Harry and Sally dilemma of "Can Men and Women be Friends". It's like we figured out that, sure we can (though, truthfully, usually AFTER people have been involved) but then no one ever talks about what happens when anoter woman (OR MAN) gets involved.

I don't know what happened that set his fiancee "off"- meaning why she was cool with you and your attendance one minute and then not cool the next- but whatever it is, there is one really critical thing that you need to accept: She's going to be the wife. It totally blows (is that crude? sorry), but it does. Wifedom trumps friendship in the game of life. And if it doesn't, then they, as a couple, have other issues.

I went through heartbreak like this several times with friends and their new girlfriends/boyfriends or whomevers kind of coming in and changing or ending my friendships, but here is the only ONLY comforting news I can give you: You are still his friend even if she doesn't want you at the wedding and even if for the next year or so, he lays low and you don't see one another very much. You are still his friend as long as you are his friend in your heart, and he will still need your friendship in some way, shape or form now and in the future. Your friendship may not ever "look" like it did in recent memory- because these cross gender friendships change- inevitably- as our life stations change and new people become involved in our lives. But real friendship does endure and you'll see that in another couple of years.

So, practically speaking, what do you do now? Don't be dramatic- PLEASE! A situation went down like this amongst my friends a few years ago and the DRAMA that unfurled destroyed the friendship. But, calmly tell your friend (verballly- no emails PLEASE - for drama reasons) that you don't understand, but you respect his fiancee's decision and that you realize that maintaining your friendship might be difficult for a little while, but you hope that he and she can realize that your intentions are totally platonic and that eventually all four of you (including your boyfriend) can hang out and be friends.

This sounds ridiculous, because how could you not hate her for doing this to you? However, this is now your friends' wife and you kind of need to find the part of her that he loves and do your very best to love it. Like a family member. You didn't get to choose this girl or her attitude, but you are stuck with her if you want to keep your friendship.

You should send them a wedding gift if you can financially afford to do so (since you had planned on going originally anyway) and then lay low. Send them holiday cards and in a few months drop them an email and see how it goes, but for right now, focus on the other frienships in your life and think of this one as I think of Big Love- a wonderful treat that I have No Idea of when it will come back, if it will come back, but I totally enjoyed when it was around.

Bridal Party Reciprocity: Never a Bridesmaid

The Q: "My daughter's feelings are going to be hurt at my son's wedding. As their mother, it makes me feel very sad since they were so close when they were growing up. My daughter is seven years older than her brother and has been married for 5 years. At her wedding, her brother was a groomsman. She expects to be asked to be part of the wedding party. My future daughter-in-law only wants 3 of her friends to be her bridesmaids and my son agrees that his sister should not be an attendant given the fact she is older( 35) and married. Feelings are going to be very hurt and frankly, this issue is ruining the whole experience for me when I see my daughter being rejected by her brother. My question is what is the proper etiquette in such a case. Should I insist my son convince his fiancee. I must say it does not endear her
in my heart when she strongly refuses to welcome her future sister-in- law in her wedding attendants."
Sad Mom

The A: Hi Sad Mom. I'm sorry that you are feeling badly by this turn of events and I do hope that this doesn't ruin the wedding for you or for your daughter. However, I must tell you that it's totally within the rules of etiquette for your daughter to NOT be included as a bridesmaid, and frankly, to insist upon so would be out of line on your part. The selection of bridal attendants is primarily the job of the bride and she can include or exclude whomever she pleases. At this point, from you and your daughters perspective, the damage has already been done: the exclusion was made- I can't imagine it will feel any better or less weird if an arm was twisted to get the result that you want.

So, what now? Well, first, I wouldn't assume that because she isn't an attendant, that they are planning on excluding her. You should find out from your son what way they were thinking about incorporating his sister. You should let him know that it's a priority for your family that everyone feel included in the day and since his sister isn't going to be a bridesmaid, you wanted to know what they were thinking of doing. If they haven't thought about it, they might think about a reading, or a toast at the reception or something special.

I understand your hurt feelings: I totally didn't invite my sisters in law to be in my bridal party. I felt like I wanted to be surrounded by the girls that got me to that point, and not by people who were really a part of my husbands growing up. I know none of my in laws liked that decision, but I respected that no one said anything. My sisters in law did the readings at our mass and we acknowledged them at our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and in the program at our wedding. I don't think I would change my choice- I had a blast with my best girlfriends and closest confidants. Now, of course, I feel my sisters in law are part of my family- and my sisters, but that relationship really developed POST wedding as we joined our families.

Best Supporting Mother: A Mother vs. Stepmother Dilemma

The Q: My daughter is getting married. Her father and I have been divorced 14 years and he has had another wife that long. His wife is extremely controlling and narcissistic. She actually has had people believing that she was the mother to my daughters on some occasions. I need to know the mother vs. stepmother etiquette at weddings. I do not want to cause problems at my own daughters wedding but I also do not want the stepmother to step on my daughters or my toes to be the star. Her logic will be that since she is married to my daughter's father and he will be paying for most things, that she should be in the spotlight more than I should be. How do I tactfully (a trait which I am lacking in) share this occasion with her without giving up my own role and causing my daughter pain. By the way....my daughter cannot stand this woman anymore than I can and shares my opinion of her. - Mother of the Bride in Texas

The A:Well, the good news is, this situation is particularly fortuitious for you because your daughter feels the same way as you do. The biggest challenge is when you and your daughter don't necessarily see eye to eye.

I am going to give you pretty basic advice on this one: Anticipate the actions of the "enemy" and enlist the help of Ms. Emily Post. I often site her here, but she really is a genius in that she is a voice of authority (not that I'm not ;-) But she's a voice that people- ALL PEOPLE- have heard of.

So, for the first part- here are the areas where the MOB flexes herself: The Shower (in part), at the Rehearsal of the Ceremony, at the Ceremony in the procession and ENTERING the RECEPTION. If you can anticipate these and work with your daughter on these elements, you will be able to successfully ASSERT yourself before the SMOB tries to get into your space. First, get in touch with the bridesmaids first, before anything, about setting a date for your daughter's shower. You should be a part of that before she tries to take it over or plan a "challenging shower". Be sure to let SMOB know what the date is for the shower as soon as it is set. CEREMONY and GENERAL wedding day: you should always be the LAST to enter before everything: At the ceremony, you are the last guests to be seated before the procession. SMOB should sit prior to you and be escorted by an usher or a relative to your husband or whomever. It's often best to put grandparents or other important family members in between her sitting and your sitting. At the RECEPTION you should be the LAST parent introduced prior to the bridal party being introduced if they are announcing parents at all. SO, the question becomes HOW DO YOU TACTFULLY DO THAT? Simple, not just with your family, but in ANY FAMILY WITH REMARRIAGE, etc, I suggest that your daughter and FSIL EMAIL or fax or somehow distribute to everyone a TIMELINE of the day a month or so in advance. This will have the PROCESSIONAL order, the ENTRANCE ORDER for the reception, the toasts, etc. outlined in it. This way, nothing comes as a surprise and no one can say that they "didn't know" what they were doing or step on toes.

The second part- the Emily Post part. Ms. Emily Post totally says that you are the queen be- really regardless of whom is footing more of the bill. That role doesn't go to the wife of the father, but to you! So, depending on how much your daughter wants to lay the groundwork for SMOOTH relations through the planning, I would see if your daughter would mind sending over a couple of wedding books with a great note that says "Thanks for Helping with this, thought we could all get Weducated on how to do this together!" and include books on topics like Being the Father of the Bride; Toasts and Sayings AND Peggy Post's Wedding Etiquette book. It's a way to a) send a thoughtful couple of presents to say thanks for helping with the wedding and b) to give everyone in that household a wedding education. If you haven't picked up a copy for yourself, you probably should now.

Of course, one of the most clear cut ways to alleviate tension and clearly delineate roles and boundaries is to hire a wedding planner! You'd be amazed at what part of the wedding weekend and prior is spent protecting people's roles and boundaries!

When Both Parents Pay

The Q:I have a huge question that I can‚t figure out on my own. I am the last of 3 daughters to get married. My parents all set up the same wedding budget for the 3 of us - 12K. This was fine for my sisters because they had smaller weddings (and my older sister got married 6 years ago)

My future in laws are going to give us 8K for the wedding. My parents are having a hard time with this because they did not do that at my sisters‚ wedding they were the sole hosts.

The wedding is at the end of the month and my mom is having a hard to with the introductions. She feels like they should not both be hosts because they are not splitting the wedding evenly. I am very grateful the my parents are giving 12K to us but I cannot deny that his parents are also paying for a
good chunk.

So how do I have them introduced by the band? I would be grateful for any guidance or answers. We live in Baltimore and I'm from an old fashioned Italian family and my fiancee is Irish Thanks so much. - Gab

The A: I totally understand your stress over this! You not only don't want to make your parents feel badly about their contribution or for you to feel ungrateful, but you also don't want to ignore the generosity of your in-laws. I'm actually amazed you didn't email me months earlier about your invitations!

First, let me say that I was raised by my grandparents who had a "football" wedding- where they threw sandwiches around a Knights of Columbus hall based on people's selections (I'd like a Salami Hero!, etc). They spent a few hundred dollars on their party and then opened up gift envelopes to pay for it! Try explaining to them that I spent $5k on a wedding dress!!! It's VERY hard to overcome parents understanding of wed-onomics- especially lately- Photography fees have increased by more than 25% in the last 5 years or so alone! SO, that said, I say you just GIVE UP that battle, if you haven't already. Your parents won't understand why you couldn't make do with what they gave your sisters and will always probably feel a little crestfallen that you took some money from your in laws (did I mention that aforesaid grandmother is Italian- I think I get it...)

On to Problem of the Moment: I don't know what was done at your sister's weddings before, but I think that if your mom and dad were introduced as "Ladies and Gentleman, your host for this evening.... etc. etc, I think that you should simply NOT do that in either case and I would proposal the following: Have your parents (and possibly grandparents introduced) in terms of their relations to you both- with your parents going last- the mother of the bride is the default hostess of any wedding anyway- no one can take her shine. THEN after your first dance/ whenver the first break in dancing is going to be, you should have YOUR parents have make a welcome to all of your guests to thank them for joining them. This clearly establishes them as the hosts of the party without offending anyone by STATING them as so. If your mom and dad are stressed by this because it seems different, you can let them know that it's sort of a new way of doing things (and it is, actually) and it will give them a chance to welcome their guests.

So, now you are saying, OK, but what about my in laws. I would also suggest three additional things:
First, at the ceremony in the program, be sure to insert a thank you. There you can acknowledge both your parents (for hosting still a third daughters wedding!) and your in laws for all of their generosity and support with this major milestone in your lives. You couldn't have made today happen without both of your parents. Etc. etc.
THEN consider inviting both of your sets of parents onto the receiving line. This enables them both to seem special and involved (though, it will add about 2 more minutes per person on the receiving line, so check and be sure you have the time to do so).

Finally, I suggest that you and your fiancee make a toast right before the cake cutting (or before your groom dances with his mother) to take some time to VERBALLY acknowledge the generosity of both of your parents in making this day happen.

I suspect that explaining to your mom that she will be acknowledge is probably the larger hurdle rather than your in-laws ASSUMING that they would be "billed" as co-hosts. I say this because, on your side, is a LONG LONG LONG history in both of your cultures of the wedding being the "bride's family's affair".

I hope that helps and ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! You all love each other, and this too will pass!

Living in Sin

The Q:  "Recently my boyfriend accepted a new job in another state and I decided to move with him.  We discussed everything and decided the best way to go about the move was to get engaged before the move to please my family and friends and to show a strong commitment to each other before we moved away togehter.  After my boyfriend purchased the ring, he shared the news with his brother who is about to be married in two weeks and his brother asked him to wait to propose to me until after the engagement.  So now, I am leaving the state as his girlfriend upset with his brother and his fiancé for not being happy for us.  Am I wrong???
Sincerly,
Living in sin"

The A: Living, I won't say that you are wrong, but I will say that you may just be overreacting a little bit.  Knowing many an engaged couple, I can't say that they all might be quite happy for their brother if he opted to get engaged 2 weeks before their wedding, but I don't know that any of them would be THAT thrilled about the timing of it, since it's not just their "moment", but it's a VERY stressful time for them when they are relying on the attention of their families to handle tasks and errands, etc. around their wedding.  I actually think they did you a small favor because there is NOTHING worse than people raining on your engagement- which I don't think they did- I think they simply suggested that you hold off on it.  Imagine your excited arrival to his brother's wedding only to be hugged briefly and handed a box of programs to fold!
The main thing that I did want to address though is WHAT is motivating the engagement- I don't know you, but if you were my girlfriend I would want to be sure that what you want is to be married and not to get approval from your family and friends.  I'm sure that you do and that you are both ready for this commitment (which is particularly exciting considering that you are starting life in a new state together!) but because of that- and the LONG TERM ness of this next step, have some patience, Living. And know that there is excitement in the ANTICIPATION of the engagement as well!

Wedding Alternates

The Q:"One of my fience's groomsmen just told him that he can't be in the wedding party due to fnancial constraints. Of course my fiance is bummed because this is one of his dearest and oldest friends, but he understands. He would like to ask another friend to take his place, but the wedding is a little over three months away, and we're afraid it might hurt that guy's feelings. I'm fine with the uneven numbers, but my fiance wants to include someone else now that he has opportunity. Should we ask someone to step in or will it be offensive? And if we do ask, how should we go about doing it? - Beth"

The A: Beth, this actually happens so much more often than you know! I think I have a real Oprah take on this type of thing: it's the intention behind something so dictates the response. Because your fiancee sincerely is open to the opportunity to include another of his friends in the bridal party, I think that by all means, he should extend the invitation. In fact, I think it would be great if it came from you both.

I think a thoughtful phone call, or getting together to take your friend for a coffee or a drink if you are in the same city would be a great occassion to explain that you would like for him to join your wedding party. Let him know that you contemplated not replacing your member who can no longer make it, but realized this was a wonderful opportunity to include a friend that you had wanted to include but couldnt do so before due to size constraints. You should let him know that you hope he realizes that you don't want him to feel like he was an afterthought, but rather that you had been concerned about the bridal party getting out of control in size and that you hope he will consider joining you.

Should he live away from you then I think a phone call and a card would be a really nice (if not slightly female gesture- I dont think dudes really do the whole "Will you be my groomsmen?" thing) since you want to be sure he knows that he is truly welcome and not a bridesmaids' escort!

Luckily, guys tend to take this stuff very well and I'm sure he'll be delighted to join. I think though, that you should make a point to be upfront about the costs when you invite him and also be sure to be respectful to the guy who couldn't financially swing participating by NOT advertising his reasons for dropping out to widely.

Juggling Dad and Stepdad- a Down the Aisle Dilemma

The Q: "My parents are divorced, and have been since I was one, but the divorce was NOT an amicable one. To make a ridiculously long story short, I used to be close to my biological father, but then, as I grew up, I saw how many mistakes he made and what kind of person he really was. I started to grow closer to my stepdad, who is really the reason I had such a good childhood and life. I really don't know where I would have ended up had he never come into my life.

I got engaged five months ago (and have little planning to show for it), but have decided that my stepfather should be the one to walk me down the aisle. My biological father will not respond well to this (although we're not close at all and only speak around holidays and in the event of a family emergency), and I don't know how to break the news to him. I don't want to hurt him, but he has always had a gift for guilt-tripping me into things and I just don't know how to handle the situation. There is no way he and my stepfather can (or even should) share this role, so that's not an option. Also, to make matters more complicated, I want my half-sister (his daughter with my stepmom) to be my junior bridesmaid and am afraid he will forbid it when he hears that he is not involved in my big day. How should I handle this touchy situation?" - Sarah

More IL Drama! Down the Aisle without Dad

The Q: My dad has never been very close to my brother and I, specially after he divorced my mom. Unfortunately he won't be able to attend my wedding so I thought that the best person to walk me down the aisle would be my mom who always took care of us. My mom and I are very excited about this. But we have a problem. I am not from the US, but my fiance is and this wedding is pretty much 90% his guests. His parents were very kind and offered to pay 50% of the wedding. My parents in law don't like the idea of my mom walking me down the aisle. They are too traditional and they want everything to look just like everyone's else wedding. They say it's weird for two women to walk down the aisle and that people talk. I know this is my wedding but I don't want to have problems with them. 40% of the guest are their guests. How can I work this out? Thanks! -Annie

The A: Hi Annie. This week seems to be In-Law week at Always a Blogsmaid. I think it's really wonderful that you don't want to create a lot of commotion around the wedding and that you are being so flexible- the inability to compromise often is the number one stress causing factor for couples getting married. However, in this case, I think that WHO walks you down the aisle is NOT something that your FIL's should really have a say in nor should they ask you to compromise. I have a lot of opinions about this situation, so please pardon me for being frank.

From a professional point of view, looking at contemporary etiquette (via Emily's Posts Wedding Etiquette and the Association of Bridal Consultants) etiquette does NOT oppose the bride being escorted by her mother. Indeed, Peggy Post offers this up as a suggestion in her fourth edition of Wedding Etiquette (Harper Collins Press) as a solution to a bride who has both a father and a stepfather and isn't sure whom to have escort her down the aisle.

From a personal point of view, something that seems to be becoming lost in the American Wedding; as it gets more and more expensive I think to host a wedding and as more and more grooms' families begin to assist in hosting; is the notion of the wedding day being the BRIDE's DAY. It should still be the Bride's day in the sense that you should feel comfortable with the decisions of the day- particularly the ones that affect you.

So, OK, that's my opinion, but I still haven't given you any solutions to this situation. My first one would be to speak with your fiancee and explain to him that you think it's Odd that his parents would find a mother & daughter walking together to be odd (the notion that anyone would notice that it's two women and not a mother and a daughter seems very bizarre to me) and see if he will help you smooth this issue over with them. I suggest showing them the Peggy Post passage, since- to event the most conservative traditionalists, the Post Institute is the authority on etiquette and propriety.

Should that not work, or should your fiancee possibly share their opinion, I would offer up the following: perhaps you invite your brother to JOIN you AND your mother in the process of giving you away. Even if he is already a member of the bridal party, he can easily take a place at the alter with the other groomsmen once the ceremony of giving you away to your future husband takes place.

Generally though, I think that while it's sensible to recognize that most of the wedding is filled with their guests, and that your in laws are assisting with financing this, they should still respect the fact that that moment- the moment of entrance- is your moment. You can let them have a say in the centerpieces or the entree selection or the band you hire, but this is the moment where you symbolically transition from being a child of your family to being the wife of your spouse and I don't think they should have a say in HOW you define who your family is because they are nervous about other peoples (highly unlikely) perceptions.

Drama!!! MIL and her Uninvited guest!

The Q:My FMIL has just informed me that she has personally invited someone else to the wedding, and rsvp'd to my mother as such. She did not mention this person when we asked her about those on her side that we needed to invite. Actually we are having a very small ceremony and this woman is neither family, nor a close friend to my fiancee or I. Actually, she is someone who was, shall we say, misguided, in her feelings toward my now fiancee? At one point, she even intended in trying to get him intoxicated in order to take advantage of him. Luckily he saw through that, but it does not change the past. Nevermind that my FMIL has not contributed anything towards our wedding, Nor the fact that it is three weeks away, and a little late in the game to be adding guests. I am so upset by this I am beside my self with what to do. It has been suggested that the best thing would be to allow the woman to come, and be the better person, but I am appalled at my future mother-in-law's behavhior, and am at a loss of what i should say i this woman is allowed to come to my wedding though i did not invite her. How gracious am i required to be? Please help me determine the best and most peaceful way to handle this situation. Thank you for all your help.

The A: WOW! Wow, Wow! Ok, I don't totally even know where to begin. First, let me say that this is a really unusual situation and what follows is more of my personal, practical advice, vs. any sort of "authorized wedding etiquette" (I mean, really, this defies etiquette so much that poor Emily Post is doing tumblesaults in her grave!) I know you don't want this to explode into a massive pre-wedding drama, however, it absolutely must be addressed. The real issue here is not actually whether or not this uninvited, mal-aligned woman attends or doesn't attend (I actually have to agree that at this point, uninviting her might make more problems than having here there) but the larger issue here is with your MIL and WHY she would want to do this. Clearly your MIL has some unresolved issues with her sons' impending wedding and with some anxiety about her relationship with you. I think that the best way to potentially correct the problem of the uninvited guest is to confront (TACTFULLY, if at all possible at this point) your MIL. I suggest that you visit your MIL with your Fiancee in tow. I suggest that you sit down, in a very warm and friendly fashion and say something to the effect of "You are sure that she would never WANT to cause hurt feelings and stress to the future wife of her son, but that intentionally or otherwise, by inviting this woman who clearly has romantic intentions with your fiancee, your MIL has completely hurt your feelings and has caused you to feel unwelcome by her into the family." I would say (whether I totally believe this or not) that you know that she didn't mean to do this and that you are sure your MIL had no ill intentions, but at the same time you need to know WHY your MIL felt that this woman should be a guest at your small and intimate wedding. I would hear her out, and try (if humanly possible) to maintain calm. I would ask your MIL, with your fiancee, to sugggest to this woman that perhaps her presence was not really appropriate at the ceremony (at the very least). In my MIL experience, I've found that most have a Bark much worse than their bite and that when confronted about any possible affront to their sons happiness, they BACK OFF. However, this isn't a scientific fact, so remember, this is just suggested advice.

My main point is that you, the bride, should not take on the role of uninviting this girl. It will simply pull you in as a lead player in a drama that you didn't create. You don't want that role. Your only role is to star as gracious bride- not Brawling Bride involved in verbal altercations with your MIL and a bizarre stranger. The role of either uninviting this woman should fall to your MIL, your Fiancee, or as a last resort your parents (though, I think they should also stay out of this, in my personal opinion).

Should you get NO WHERE with this and the nutty, crazy ex-girlfriend or whatever she was still seems likely to be voted "Guest Least Wanted at the Wedding" you need to have a plan in place for DRAMA prevention. Assign a friend or cousin or something to be on Crazy Ex Duty. Have them shadow her at the church. Have them ask the bartenders to go light on her pours at the bar. Have the MC or the bandleader know to NOT GIVE THE MIC to ANYONE not on your timeline or pre-identified as giving a speech or making comment. Manage the potential stress with a plan in advance and remind your MIL that you, already (even before getting down the aisle) have taken one for the team.

Aisle Dilemma Part 2: Dealing with Divorce

The Q:"The groom's parents are divorced and his father is remarried. They do not get along. Who should escort the groom's mother to her seat and where should she sit during the ceremony and the reception? Does the groom's mother enter before or after the groom's father and stepmother? If the father of the bride escorts her down the aisle, who walks the mother of the bride to her seat?" - Sharon

The A:Great question Sharon! As a rule of thumb, the groom's mother should be the second to last guest seated before the bridal party enters. The bride's mother is the last guest. In cases like this one, where it could easily become a standoff, the groom's dad and stepmother would enter, THEN the groom's mother. Typically, what we do in this situation is see if the mom has a brother or another son who can escort her down the aisle. Even if this person is in the bridal party, they can easily either join the groomsmen in the front of the ceremony location or circle down the side aisle to join them for the procession. Both have worked. Otherwise, we have sometimes had the best man do this and he then usually takes his place with the groom at the front of the aisle after he performs this role.

If the Groom's parents really don't get along, we suggest that the bride and groom sit alone or with the best man and maid of honor (and their spouses) and then the parents each get their own tables, where they can sit with their choice of relatives or friends at the wedding. If the reception is so small that neither parent has enough family or friends, you may want to just mix them yourselves and sprinkle bridal party members around the room.

Down the Aisle Dilemma: Who's with Mom!

The Q:"I was recently at my cousins wedding and noticed a huge wedding aisle
dilemma I am hoping to avoid at my own wedding. My (and the Groom's)
Grandfather recently passed away and the Groom asked my father (the
Groom's Uncle) to walk my Grandmother down the aisle. This was very
touching except, since (as an only child) I was with my soon to be husband, my
mother was left high and dry walking and sitting for the wedding. Both
my Grandfathers have passed away, and I am an only child, I am hoping to
avoid leaving anyone walking uncomfortably alone at my own wedding, but
my own Uncle is presiding over our ceremony - any advice on making sure
everyone is happy on the special day?"-Tammi in Washington

The A: Tammi, thank you for this great, and common, question! Not only is this common issue with ceremonies for reasons like yours, but often divorce can create a similar concern for Mom. It's very gracious of you to have put some thought into her comfort with this!

Often times, we will suggest one of three things, but to fully answer your question, let's talk a bit about the procession in general. Your mother is the last GUEST to be seated before your official procession begins. Typically, most of our clients will have the groomsmen waiting at the alter when the offical procession begins, entering in either from the side or a side aisle, but entering seperately from bridesmaids. There is no rule on this, I think we like the symbolism of the men and women entering alone and leaving coupled. Cheesey, but true. We usually do this during the prelude music.So, if you opt to do this, we often will have the groomsen usher important guests to their seats and then assume their place at the front of the room. A GREAT role for a Best Man or even a groomsmen who might be related would be to escort your mother to her seat of honor and then take his place at the alter. This action would be followed by EITHER your fiancee and your Uncle (the officiant) entering in and THEN the bridesmaids or if your Uncle and Groom would prefer to also be waiting at the alter, this would signal the change in music and the bridesmaids entrance.

ANOTHER option that we have used is to have a close relative, such as your COUSIN, let's say escort the Mother of the Bride down the aisle to her seat of honor. This relative does not have to be in the bridal party, but I do think that they should have a boutonniere or some sort of floral designation that shows him to have an important role. Because remember, after the bride, the Mother of the Bride is the guest of honor!

A FINAL option that we have often employed at weddings as a solution to both Mom's entrance and for divorced parents is a custom from Judaism, where both of the brides parents escort the bride down the aisle. In Jewish wedding tradition, the groom is escorted down the aisle by both of his parents as well, and this has really smoothed some stressful parental situations as well as showcasing how. Not necessarily something that you might want or need to borrow, but it is a nice thing to know and really looks lovely in photos when you look back.

Wedding Sponsors & Purse Strings

The Q: "My parents are offering to help fund a portion of wedding on one
condition: they are heavily suggesting/requesting that I have a sponsor
in my wedding party. At a traditional Filipino wedding, sponsors are
present to witness the union of the couple and symbolize guidance and
support. The thing is, I have clearly explained to my parents that my
fiance and I have agreed to a NON-TRADITIONAL wedding and a civil
ceremony. Yet they are still insisting on a traditional sponsor role. I
never planned on a sponsor, nor do I want a sponsor. I am worried that
if we agree to their wish, the guestlist might grow, another thing we do
not want. I'm also worried if we do not comply with their wishes, we
lose the opportunity of extra funds my parents are offering. Can you
please give suggestions on how to compromise with my parents without
things getting out of hand and family getting offended?

Double Edge Sword,
Jill in NYC"

The A:Jill, this is a tough one, because the person who controls the purse strings tends to be the person who controls the situation! So, I will offer up some tactics. First, I would say that you may want to give in on the sponsor situation regardless. Knowing Philipino culture, I think it would save a lot of hurt feelings to have sponsors, regardless of whether or not you have a civil ceremony. For readers who don't know, Sponsors are a cross between a wedding party and god parents. Typically, the position implies literally, sponsorship of elements of the wedding: paying for a DJ, paying for your wedding accessories, etc. In different families these elements can be more or less extravagant. Typically they are acknowledged, along with their gift in the ceremony program.

So, I would say this to you: I think that even if you got married in City Hall, you would need witnesses, and sponsors can help serve that role. So, what I think you should do is to let your parents know that you are happy to include sponsors in your wedding, but that you really don't want to budge on expanding the guestlist or on having a non-traditional wedding. I would suggest that maybe, if you are thinking non-traditional at your wedding, that you find a new way to acknowledge your sponsors at your reception- perhaps you have a program at your reception or a note of thanks on each guest table acknowledging your sponsors. Typically, I know that a large production is made at the start of the reception with sponsors being introduced and being part of a first dance with the bride and groom. If that's more traditional than what you would like to do, perhaps you can have a special slow dance later where you invite all of your sponsors to join you and your husband on the dancefloor- in a more low key acknowledgement of their contribution.

The truth is though, that taking cash often means taking input and weddings are really family affairs- especially for the bride's family. The truth is that hurt feelings about rejecting cultural traditions and family participation can last for years and years, so I think you both think about that as much (if not more) than weighing the value of financial contribution. I would tell you that the first thing that I would do is to determine what is more important to you: NOT having a church ceremony or NOT having any typical trappings of a Philipino reception. I would think about offering to flex on one or the other, but let your parents know that you want to put your own personal spin on the way that it's done. Perhaps you have a non religious ceremony in a non-denominational house of worship and have the laso as part of your ceremony.

The Uninvited Guests!

The Q:"I just got my pick up report for my hotel block and I was SHOCKED to find several people on the block that I actually didn't invite! To be honest, I had thought about inviting them, and got their information from a mutual friend. When our whole list was finally together, we had to make some cuts and not wanting to hurt any feelings, I axed everyone except for the mutual friend who provided me with the addresses. Well, she must have said something to them about being invited, because they have all booked rooms and all together it's 10 EXTRA people!!!! Can you believe it?? What on earth do I do?" - Susan on Long Island

The A:OK, I posted on this question because when I first got it I thought it seemed insane- these "guests" are clearly out of their minds!!! However, the next day I got a call from a client who was having the EXACT same problem! I realized that the problem has got to be that there is a general ignorance of etiquette sweeping the nation, which has caused people to forget the #1 premise of being a guests somewhere: YOU MUST BE INVITED!!!! OK, so that was my RANT!

Here is our advice- First, I believe that you need to stay out of the fray. You have two options here really, but either way keep yourself out of the drama. You can either invite the whole group, and send them late invitations or call them and say that you never received their RSVP (not a lie, since they never actually got an invitation, you couldn't have gotten their RSVP) OR you can opt to clarify the situation. However, I believe that you should not be the person to do so. Honestly you did not issue the invitation and did not even directly contact them for the information. Clearly your mutual friend was overzealous in sharing the info and it caused a misunderstanding that resulted in rude presumptiveness. I personally think that you should ask your mutual friend to assist you in rectifying the misunderstanding. No one knows that you are able to review the rooming list at the hotel. I would put in a call to your mutual friend and tell he or she that you hoped that they received your invitation and that you hope that they are able to make it. Tell them generally about your wedding plans and drop in that you felt terrible because the guestlist grew out of control and you had to unfortunately eliminate some of your friends from the list to make room for family. You felt terrible that in the end you weren't able to invite "So and So and company" and you hoped that they hadn't mentioned too much about the wedding to anyone because you didn't want to cause any hard feelings. None of these things are untrue and I feel confident that this will get the message across!

Unreal, really. I know neither of these is ideal, but unfortunately, tact and a bit of strategy will be needed to rectify the issue that's been dropped in your lap! Keep your head up, most people are gracious of invitations and respectful of space and budget constraints!

Down the Aisle

The Q:"My parents are divorced. We are having a Jewish ceremony and my dad is remarried. Both of my parents will walk me down the aisle, but here's my question- who will walk my stepmother down the aisle? I don't want her walking alone, but I don't know what to do." - Anonymous

The A: Wow, OK. I totally understand. It's a surefire potential way to make your Step mother feel like a 2nd class citizen. Here are my suggestions: If you've got a brother, or if she has a son from a previous relationship, I would have this person be her aisle companion. This enables you to give your brother or step brother a special place in the procession. If this person is also in the bridal party, even better, they can walk her down and either take their place at the alter or swing back around the side aisle and rejoin the bridal party. Of course if this person is an infant that won't work...
In this case, I'd look to uncles, or special relatives to escort your step mother down the aisle. Indeed, she is likely to be on of the last people to be seated before the bridal party begins their procession, so you could also consider having your Best Man take the reigns. The important thing is, be sure that she feels that she's treated like a VIP and make this decision BEFORE you get to the rehearsal so it doesn't seem as though she was a 2nd thought!

Parental Payment Problems

The Q: "My parents really want to feel that they are paying for our wedding. They feel that it's their role as parents of the bride. However, my family lives in the midwest and are very middle class and they don't understand what things cost in New York. I do, and I know that it's more than what they can afford. My fiancee does pretty well financially, and his family can definitely help us out. I really don't know what to do or how to handle it." -Brea in New Jersey

The A: Wow! Ok, I don't envy you this task! Basically, I would say that you have three or four options, and if you were my client, these would be the only ways I would suggest to handle it. And some of that depends on your families and your relationships with your clients.

The first suggestion is to scale back, as needed. It's possible that if you tell them about the planning and they aren't into the quality or scale they might want to re-visit the issue. Or, they may not, but I think that in this option the main thing is that it's a family affair. Depending on how you feel about scaling back, you might want to consider the next option.

If your family really is particularly sensitive, and you don't want to scale back, and you feel OK with a harmless white lie, and if your family really wants you to have the wedding you want, but it's more of a pride issue, then I might suggest that you simply cover the difference, but totally quietly. I would say that I wouldn't take money from my in laws in this case, but only cover the difference from what your parents can do and what you want. I.e. Your dress, the band you really want, the favors, the photographer of your dreams. The big items: such as the venue, can come from your parents. I think though, that in this case, remember to acknowledge them as hosts on the invitation.

The third option would be a little bit more tough love and I might say borderline bratty (no offense to anyone who has done this) but you can invite mom or dad out for a planning trip and set up some site visits/ meetings. They might get sticker shock, or worse, you might inspire some "keeping up with the joneses"

In any case, as you know, you should go about this with sensitivity. Remember, as much as you want to have the wedding of your dreams, I'm sure your dream involves happy parents, and not hurt feelings and (money is funny) possibly feelings of resentment. If it's really dramatic, you might want to consider doing it up big time closer to home!

Baby in the Corner!

The QI really don't want children at our wedding. I made sure to put Adult Reception on the invitation, which I realize offended some people, but despite that, some of my in-laws are insisiting on bringing their kids. What do I do, and how do I not look like a total B****?" - Irene in NJ

The A: Irene, we get it! It happened to me! Actually my whole family made fun of me for putting Adult Reception on our invites ("Will there be whips and leather?" "Is this NC -17?") but they never the less respectful of the decision and got babysitters and grandmas or friends to ming their babies.

However, many people on my husbands' side did not do the same thing, including my sister in law. In the moment, I was irritated and angry. I was stressing out because I felt like my family members who went through the trouble would be angry that the rule applied to some people and not other people. But at the same time, I realized that my sister in law couldn't have imagined that it applied to her, because what normal human beings wouldn't want their adorable nephew at their wedding? When I thought about it in those terms, I was actually embarrased to complain about it! Culturally, from family to family, we will find that everyone has very different ideas about children's roles in major family events.

So, what did I do? I ignored it. I decided that as battles go, this one wasn't worth fighting and creating bad blood within my new family. I talked to my matriarchs about it and they talked to my various cousins, etc, to let them know that we really appreciated them going through the trouble of getting sitters, but not to be surprised if not everyone did.

So, there is no easy answer here, is the bottom line. Theoretically, according to Emily Post, you (and I) were wrong in the first place it's poor etiquette to say Adults Only or Adult Reception. However, Emily Post only works when the invitation receiver knows that only the people that the invitation is addresssed to are invited (Most people, I've learned in our business) do not know that or accept that!

My suggestion to you would be the following: if the notion of babies on the dancefloor bugs you, hire a sitter on site. Often times we've re-appropriated an ante -room or a bridal prep room for the kids to hang out in. The parents are then free to visit and check in on the babies whenever they want, but you don't have to feel that the reception has been taken over.