Always a Blogsmaid

The Ex-Factor

The Q:  My ex-boyfriend and I are still good friends, I want to invite him to my upcoming wedding, but my fiance feels uncomfortable around him because we dated for so long. Is it ok to exclude someone so close to me from my wedding?

The A: Unless your name is Grace and your ex-boyfriend named Will, a hot, recently un-closeted gay man, NO.  No, it is NOT appropriate to invite him to the wedding, most particularly because it bothers your fiance.  In fact, I would say nearly exclusively because it bothers your fiance. 

    If you and your ex are so close, he'll understand your need to prioritize your future husband's comfort level on this important day.   If it bothers you tremendously that your fiance feels this way, you should look at the reasons why?  Have you made an effort for them to socialize together (which, if you are truly platonic and it's truly in the past, is hopefully possible).  Is your fiance unnecessarily jealous in general?  Is this something you want to chat about?  And then, the really big and awkward question, is this friendship really platonic?  Having guy friends is normal, but I think you should understand why that might make your future husband a little uncomfortable.

    Or maybe I'm just old fashioned!

A Question of Catching

The Q: I got engaged in June, and I’ll be attending three weddings in August (two of which I’ll participate in). Do I participate in the bouquet toss? I’m not yet married, but it’s a given that I’m getting married, so I wasn’t sure.
 The A: Well, the single girls on the dancefloor mightn't appreciate the extra set of hands out there, but technically, you're still eligible for competition! Truth be told, it's a fast fading custom and done more often as a funny "retro" thing than anything else, so I doubt anyone will ask you to leave the dancefloor. I'm so curious, how many of you ladies are going to do the toss?? I havent seen it at any of my client weddings in AGES, so I'm curious if its just falling out of fashion in the NYC. let me know!!!

Picking up the Check....

The Q: I know the tradition is that the bride's parents pay for most of the ceremony. Mine can't afford it and neither can me and my fiance. How should we go about asking his parents who have plenty of money but are very cautious in spending it?

The A:  Well, I think that a frank conversation is in order, and depending on how comfortable you are with your new in-laws, you can decide how much a part of that conversation you want to be. However, be aware, that regardless of who has the money in this situation, they aren't obligated to pay and some families in fact feel it, as groom's parents, is simply not their place to pay.

However, that said, I think that the conversation should be that you and your fiance are going to finance the wedding yourselves, as your parents aren't really in a place to contribute.  You don't know if they were planning on assisting, or if they hadn't planned on it, but you wanted them to know that you are going to keep the plans small and modest, since that's really all you can afford. 

I think at that point, see what they say. It's possible that they may have envisioned a different kind of party that what you can plan without their assistance and that may be the thing that motivates them to assist. Or, it could be that they feel it's your show as the bride and whatever you end up doing will be lovely. Often times Groom's families would rather assist in other ways- home savings assistance, etc.

Just remember, it's not really their obligation, just because they have them money!

Program Do's and Don'ts

The Q: I am helping my best friend’s sister plan her July 5th wedding (and will be the day-of “coordinator”), and a question came up about the programs.  Her future mother-in-law is making the programs, and showed her a cringe-worthy sample—she had listed her father & stepmother as “parents of the bride”.  The children no longer speak to or are in contact with their mother, but their stepmother has by no means taken her place (they don’t “dislike” her, but they don’t have a great relationship with her, either).  The parents of their step-mother will also be included in the “honored” wedding guests, and listed in the program.  So, what is proper etiquette for listing these family members?

The A:  Oh, the new etiquette around weddings, eh?  It's amazing what real life will do to a bunch of old and tired rules! :-)

Well, first, I think that the first thing is to not group the stepmother and dad together.  I think it should potentially avoid listing family members in groups, and rather list them in their entrance order, so for instance, first the honored guests: Possibly Alpha order with an explanation of who they are, then the names of the groom's parents with Mother of the Groom and Father of the Groom next to their names and then The bride's father and stepmother's names.  The purpose of the program is not to create discomfort in any way, and there isn't really a right and wrong way to do it.

The other option (which we've done with clients) is to simply write the processional order, so for instance:

Prelude (Insert Musical Selection)
Mother of the Groom, (Insert Name) escorted by Father of the Groom, (Insert Name)
Stepmother of the Bride (Insert Name) escorted by (Whomever is escorting her)

etc, etc.

In terms of the parents of their step-mother, I have to assume that your friend must feel somewhat close to them, and that they must be semi-surrogate grandparents, otherwise, why would she include them?  She should refer to them however she refers to them in real life- if she calls them grandma and grandpa, then the program should list them as "Grandparents" to the bride.  I think using the word TO the bride, vs. of the bride, helps make the subtle distinction that they are surrogates and not biologicals.

I hope that helps, this one was tricky....

Fitness for Friends?

The Q:    I want my bridesmaids to all look beautiful at my wedding. Would it imply too much if I gave them all gym memberships?

The A: Well, on the one hand, while I commend you for wanting your girls to look as beautiful as possible, I don't know if this is EXACTLY the right approach.  I think it implies that they need a lot of home repair before they can go on the market, rather than the intention which is you want them all to shine.

SOOO, first, if the aim is for them to all shine their brightest that day, then I suggest you consider gifting professional hair and make-up and let everyone's bodies just be.  HOWEVER, if you yourself are a fitness freak, and it's part of your personality and they know and get that, it could be fun if you set up a wedding bootcamp with your girls.  Maybe you see if they'd all be down to meet with a trainer for groups or go for a group pilates class together once every couple of weeks.

I think the main thing is, you can make it an activity, you can let them know you want them to all look amazing, but don't imply that they aren't cool and lovely the way that they are.  That never really goes over well and it makes you look more like the ultimate in Bridezillas than anyone's really good friend......

Still, I again commend you. After having seen brides instruct make up artists to "make the girls pink like piggies" or heard clients ask for "the bridesmaids dress that will make me look the best comparatively" I appreciate the sentiment greatly!!!

A Change of Plans, Part 2!

Brides, while the purpose of the blog is to resolve dilemmas, occasionally, I find that there is a topic that needs to be revisited/ wasn't handled ENOUGH the first time.  After the post about retracting Save the Dates, this question came in through the comments section:

The Q: I have a similar dillema. My fiance is in the military and we have to bump the wedding up a month. We've sent out a save the date, but no invitations yet. The wedding is now 3 months away. Do we send another card as soon as the date is finalized or just wait for the invitation to go out?

The A: Hmmm. Well, I think that I'll first go back to what I mentioned yesterday, this is going to involve some TLC with certain guests.  First, contact any of your guests  VIA phone and email that got the Save the Date and MAY be traveling so that they can adjust their travel plans immediately.   Because you aren't canceling the event, just shifting the date, as long as they act soon, they should be able to move some things around.

The next issue, regarding sending another mailing, I would say NO, BUUUT, I would say to order the invites ASAP and get them OUT the door.  I would immediately (as soon as the date is finalized) an informal, WOM campaign via phone and email, that essentially explains due to a call to service, the wedding date will now be XX XX, 2008 and not XXXX, XX as previously indicated.  Additionally, I would consider inserting a small card into the invite.  This sounds redundant, however, sometimes people (mainly, guys) don't pay attention to details, and would have noted the first date from the Save the Date and not even REALIZE that it's actually a month earlier.  OR, more annoying, people will think that you made "a mistake" on your invites and start calling you.  I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but I've gotten calls on behalf of clients that are even more crazy.

So, I would consider adding a card, about the size of your response card that says:
Please note, due to a call to service, the date of the wedding is blah blah blah and not blah blah as previously noted on the save the date. 

Best of luck to both of you, thank you to your fiance for his service, and we'll be hoping for his quick and safe return back to his new bride!

No Returns

The Q:  I am freaking out a bit.  Basically I got 10 of my invitations back in the mail, there were problems with the addresses, etc., etc., BUUT the problem is, I don't have any more invites to send these people new invitations AND the invites came back looking really damaged.  I don't even have extra envelopes...... What do I do? I also don't want them to think that they are B-List or second thought invites.  Actually, one of the invites was to my boss and I know everyone else in the office has gotten their invite already.... HELP!

The A:  I don't know that there is one right answer, except: Lesson Learned- better to over order invites from the get go by about 25 than to run short- there are always "returns" and last minute additions.... If you have the time, just order extra envelopes so that you can send out clean copies.

However, that said, as the problem sounds quite urgent, I would say the first step is to contact the guests whose invitations were returned. The best excuse for this call is "I wanted to confirm your address because our invitation was returned to us." and then read the address that you had. 

Let them know that you are going to re-send the invitation.  Personally, at this point, if they are local enough, try and deliver the invite by hand. ESPECIALLY TO YOUR BOSS.  Otherwise, if you are ALSO out of new envelopes, consider an express mail package with a handwritten note that simply says "My apologies for the delay, I wanted to be sure you received an invitation so that you would have all the details"  Assuming you don't have the time to order new, clean envelopes, remember that while this isn't as nice as a clean, pretty envelope arriving in the mail,  it at the very least showcases your  sincere desire to have them know that they are invited, included and desired to be there.....

The No- RSVPs

The Q: I am desperately trying to finish my seating plans, my wedding is a week away, but I have about 20 guests who have not RSVP'd.  My FI says we should assume the answer is no, but I'm nervous that I'm going to NOT give them seats and then people will just show up.  I've already called them and left messages. At what point do I give up? I really don't know how to handle this."

The A: I know that this seems crazy, right?  You get an invite, it has a pre-stamped response card and yet people STILL don't send them in.  At this point these guests do know if they are attending or not- it's not like they are sitting on the fence, trying to decide.  And you don't want to have them come and not have meals, or have them NOT come and have paid for their seats/ dinners.  SOOOO, I think you need to do a two step follow up.  First, check out whose guests they are: i.e. are they your friends from work, are they your fiance's friends, are they friends of your parents?  Whose ever guests they are needs to get on the phone with them and send them an email and in a polite, concise way, say "The wedding is coming up and we haven't heard from you, so were going to assume that you aren't able to join us.  Of course, we would welcome having you, so if we misunderstood, please call us right away at XXX.XXX.XXXXX." 

The bulk of these guests are probably NOT coming, so you shouldn't worry about 20 people just showing up!  But you may want to have 2 or 4 extra chairs available. Your banquet manager should prepare 5% overage anyway, so don't get too stressed!  Rude guests are an inevitability, unfortunately, so we mustn't let them bother us.

Printing away

The Q: "Is it ok to print names & addresses on my invitations? Will I be seen as rude & lazy?"

The A:Well, here is a fact, nothing is as nice as calligraphy for a wedding invitation. Nothing says wedding, nor looks as pretty or "classy" for lack of a better word. However, nothing costs quite the same either.

So, when you say printing, I am assuming you mean computer printing. I, while not a fan of digital calligraphy, do appreciate that more than, let's say, running the envelopes off on your office printer. First of all because they can match fonts from your invitation and 2nd of all, the print quality is better. At about $1 an envelope, it's worth the splurge.

All of this is to say, NONE OF YOUR GUESTS WILL PROBABLY CARE OR NOTICE. It's true! They will notice if it's fabulous (believe me, they will) but if it's lackluster, it won't register as bad or rude, it just simply WON'T REGISTER with your guests. The envelope will simply be tossed away! So, go for the best quality your budget can afford, but don't worry about your HP laser jet offending people.

PS, what is tacky are Avery labels. Don't do it.

Happy Mailing!

Eliminating Reception Cards

The Q: "Hello, My question is about invitations: I'm struggling right now with some wording issues. I don't want to have a separate reception card when I send out my invitation (would prefer to save the money). So I wanted to include the reception name/street on my actual invitation. I didn't know whether to write "dinner and dancing" versus "reception" (3:00 ceremony, cocktails at 6:00, dinner at 7:00). I also didn't want to say reception/dinner & dancing "following" the ceremony, since there is a bit of a time gap. Do you think "following at six o'clock" works?"

The A: Hi, well, I understand what you are saying, but I think you're going to find that the card looks MIGHTY crowded with all that information. To answer the main gist of your question, I think that following at Six O'Clock sounds a little confusing. To just make it look a little better, PERHAPS (and it's just a suggestion because I don't know what the invite looks like) you could try placing the reception info in the Right hand corner? The other In terms of wording, I think what you should consider is:

Mr. and Mrs. Bradshaw request the
honor of your presence is requested
at the marriage of their daughter
Carrie
to
Mr. Big
Saturday the Seventh of June
Two Thousand and Eight
at Three O'Clock in the afternoon
St. Barts Church
XXX Park Avenue
NEw York City

Dinner and Dancing at
Six O'Clock in the Evening
The Plaza Hotel
XXX Fifth Avenue
New York City

Part of me thinks that you should consider printing a cheaper set of direction cards with the addresses for both locations, which would then clean up a few lines.....

Sub-prime Wedding Woes

The Q:" I agreed to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding when she got engaged. Its is now April and her wedding is in December. (We haven't done anything yet- like get dresses). As of recently, I am seriously strapped for cash. I am having a hard time even paying my mortgage. Is it horrible to tell her I can't be in the wedding, not because I don't want to, but because I just really can't afford it. It's driving me crazy and I'm all stressed out about it. What should I do?"

The A: If I had audio on here, I'd have put in a clip of MJ singing "You are not alone". I actually can't tell you how a) frequently this happens and b) how OK it is to face reality and accept the things that you can and cannot do. Good for you for setting priorities financially and I commend you for being so respectful of your friend that you are stressing out about this

The #1 thing to do is to let her know as soon as possible in a nice, private and respectful way. Don't send her an email or (god forbid) a text message about it!!! Please. Call her and let her know that you need to speak with her regarding the wedding and just be frank about the situation. Let her know that when you accepted, you didn't quite realize how stretched things would feel and since the issue of the dresses is probably just around the corner (she should really get on that right away, btw) you thought it best to let her know now that you simply can't do it. Please let her know how important it is to you that she realize it's not personal and offer to help her put together programs, be of assistance with her guestbook at the reception or whatever smaller task she may need help with on that day. You aren't trying to skirt wedding work- just wedding expenses.

People don't always realize that asking someone to be a bridesmaid is akin to asking them for about $1200. It's an honor, but an expensive honor and there is no shame in putting your mortgage first- as long as you are sweet about it!

Some brides, if they have the means, may offer to simply (and quietly) help you out with the dress/ your share of the expenses. If that's the case, you should take the help because it's her way of saying she just wants you to be a part of her day- a girl in the gaggle that surrounds her. Some brides may be in the BRIDE ZONE and not care about your "excuses" and be hurt and offended that you aren't putting her wedding first. Don't let yourself be caught up in that. The wedding stress will pass and she'll likely see the folly of her reaction and you'll be friends again in no time. If not, you will have to work at getting to a zen place about it.

I'm wishing you the best and I hope this goes well. You sound like a sensitive person and your intentions are sincere- so I"m sure that will come across to your friend the bride!

Online Invitations

The Q:  I'm hosting a bridal shower.  Is it OK to send out online invitations?  Must I send paper ones?  I haven't ever hosted a shower before and I'm not sure what the etiquette is.

The A:  As I think I've posted before, I personally, love a paper invitation because we get such crappy snail mail these days, it feels so lovely and special to receive a paper invite. HOWEVER, I am getting with the program, and while I still feel like it's NOT OK to send digital invites for the wedding itself, it is perfectly acceptable for showers, luncheons and I might go as far as to say informal engagement celebrations.

Now, that's not  an excuse to use send an email or a text message with the time and date!  Let's not cut all the corners, but it is an OK to design an html email OR even better- an electronic invite with style.

Maybe it's my age, but there is something about Evites that SCREAM my early 20's to me, so I was delighted when I got the link to Pingg - one of the more stylish, ADVERTISING FREE e-vite like sites that I've ever seen. AND it is so easy to use. I created a fake invitation in preview to show you gals without having to register (I hate having to register) Obviously, at some poine, you must register to use it, but it's awesome! And it's free.  Here is the image I picked for a potential bridal shower or bridesmaids luncheon.  You can even share through facebook.

Please remember though, with things like showers that involve several age groups, you need to be sure that grandmothers and others who might not be online are able to get the information that they need, and not feel that they were somehow slighted!

Name Your Event Date: May 5, 2008, 7am

 

A No-Rehearsal Dinner

The Q: "I'm confused.  I'm having my ceremony and reception on the same site and there is no time the day before to have a rehearsal.   What is the point of a rehearsal dinner if there is no rehearsal?  My FI feels like we are expected to do this, but it seems silly. Do we need to have one?"

The A: Totally get your confusion.  Rehearsal dinners are not necessary, especially if there isn't a rehearsal. However, there is something really nice about this intimate gathering without all the pressures of your reception the evening before your big day. It's a great forum to work out a lot of the emotions that everyone is carrying around so that you aren't as overwhelmed by them on the day itself.  It's also a great opportunity for your families and friends to connect, and often facilitates a smoother day on the day itself.

However, they can be annoying to plan, or tedious if you are trying to plan that as well as the wedding.

When there is not a rehearsal, I tend to not call these rehearsal dinners, but rather "Dinner the Night Before" and I usually suggest that our clients address them as such on any printed invitation that they may send out so that people aren't wondering when and where the actual rehearsing is going to take place. 

Sometimes, if the pressure of planning or the expense of planning seems to much for you, I suggest that rather than a full dinner, you do a family dinner with both sides of the family and then invite your out of town guests/ bridal party to gather at a bar, lounge or hotel suite for cocktails and mixing. 

The Uninvited Guests!

The Q:"I just got my pick up report for my hotel block and I was SHOCKED to find several people on the block that I actually didn't invite! To be honest, I had thought about inviting them, and got their information from a mutual friend. When our whole list was finally together, we had to make some cuts and not wanting to hurt any feelings, I axed everyone except for the mutual friend who provided me with the addresses. Well, she must have said something to them about being invited, because they have all booked rooms and all together it's 10 EXTRA people!!!! Can you believe it?? What on earth do I do?" - Susan on Long Island

The A:OK, I posted on this question because when I first got it I thought it seemed insane- these "guests" are clearly out of their minds!!! However, the next day I got a call from a client who was having the EXACT same problem! I realized that the problem has got to be that there is a general ignorance of etiquette sweeping the nation, which has caused people to forget the #1 premise of being a guests somewhere: YOU MUST BE INVITED!!!! OK, so that was my RANT!

Here is our advice- First, I believe that you need to stay out of the fray. You have two options here really, but either way keep yourself out of the drama. You can either invite the whole group, and send them late invitations or call them and say that you never received their RSVP (not a lie, since they never actually got an invitation, you couldn't have gotten their RSVP) OR you can opt to clarify the situation. However, I believe that you should not be the person to do so. Honestly you did not issue the invitation and did not even directly contact them for the information. Clearly your mutual friend was overzealous in sharing the info and it caused a misunderstanding that resulted in rude presumptiveness. I personally think that you should ask your mutual friend to assist you in rectifying the misunderstanding. No one knows that you are able to review the rooming list at the hotel. I would put in a call to your mutual friend and tell he or she that you hoped that they received your invitation and that you hope that they are able to make it. Tell them generally about your wedding plans and drop in that you felt terrible because the guestlist grew out of control and you had to unfortunately eliminate some of your friends from the list to make room for family. You felt terrible that in the end you weren't able to invite "So and So and company" and you hoped that they hadn't mentioned too much about the wedding to anyone because you didn't want to cause any hard feelings. None of these things are untrue and I feel confident that this will get the message across!

Unreal, really. I know neither of these is ideal, but unfortunately, tact and a bit of strategy will be needed to rectify the issue that's been dropped in your lap! Keep your head up, most people are gracious of invitations and respectful of space and budget constraints!

A Question of Cousins

The Q: "I have a question regarding invitations.

I have over 20 first cousins on my mother's side. We are all adults now and some of us are married, but not all of us. I think that I should invite all of them to my wedding. My mother thinks that only about half of them (if that) will come, so we should only invite the ones she thinks might come. She also suggested that they just let their parents (my aunts & uncles) know if they think they might come and then we will send an invite.

My mom thinks that sending invitations is like simply asking for a gift. However, I am really uncomfortable with the idea of them telling their parents, especially since it happened to me for one of my cousin's weddings.

My point is, that I have never heard of any kind of party where you tell people whether "you think you might come" and then you receive an invitation if you think you will come. What do you think? Should all the cousins be sent invitations?" - Miss S

The A: Miss S, the short answer is YES, all the cousins should receive an invitation. I see your mother's concerns, but I think that as they are all adults, you should treat them like adults, like any of the other guests you are inviting who MAY or MAY not be able to come. When people, especially family, are able to see their actual invitation and feel special enough to have gotten this beautifully packaged piece of snail mail,sometimes their responses surprise you. As a rule of etiquette- one "class"of relatives should all receive invitations or NOT - all first cousins/ no first cousins, all great aunts and uncles/ no great aunts and uncles.

If you are REALLY REALLY concerned about looking like a fishing expedition for gifts I do have a couple of thoughts: first, remind your mom (and yourself) that part of why we put chotchky items on our registries (I LOVE my GARLIC PRESS) is so that people who can't make the wedding or the shower, or whatever, but want to send you a gift, can find something tiny to send as a token.

Second thought: if it isn't too late (I don't know when the wedding is) maybe you send save the dates first. Save the dates (especially those who direct guests to an email or website) have a remarkable way of letting you know who is able to attend and who isn't. When people see the save the date, they usually get the word out that they aren't able to come, but they get the message that they were considered.

One of my only personal wedding regrets involves my ginormous extended family- to save space, I tossed etiquette aside and I picked and chose the cousins that I invited. I probably have about 50 cousins total, and only invited a handful of them. I so wish they all would have been invited, even if they wouldn't have been able to make it! We have so much fun when we are all together, and weddings are such a great part of that fun!

Have a Wedding Weekend or Else!

The Q: "My first question is about the rehearsal dinner and who should be included. My understanding is that, at minimum, it should include the wedding party with their significant others, parents of the bride and groom (both sets if divorced/remarried), the reader and the officiant and his/her spouse. My problem is that my space will only hold 30 people and with the above list, and we've hit 29, and our out of town relatives are upset that they are not invited.

My dad is deceased and I am not as close to his family and do not see them often. They feel that if they are making the effort to travel to my wedding, they should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. They called me en masse last night to let me know they might not come if they were not included in the rehearsal dinner. We've worked it out so that that my grandma and her partner can come to the dinner, by my mom asking her twin sister (the reader) to sit the dinner out. We were limited in choosing the rehearsal dinner venue as the location (wine country in June) is very full and booking this location allowed us to hold a small block of rooms for the wedding party, so from the beginning we knew we could only include those at the rehearsal.

What more can we do to include out of town family and friends that we do not see often? Should we feel like
we have to do more than host the wedding and reception? Have people come to expect a whole weekend
of activities? My budget is maxed out and I'm feeling hurt that family is "emotionally blackmailing"
me when I'm doing all I can to include everyone!"

The A: Hmmm, I understand your dilemma. Technically speaking, the old school thought on this issue is that out of town guests are to be invited to the rehearsal dinner as well; however, with weddings generally having guests with greater geographic spread, that would end up meaning hosting the equivalent of 2 weddings! Often, when this is the case, we will suggest to our own clients that they limit the rehearsal dinner to the group that defined above (though sometimes, that group extends to grandparents) and stage a gathering for their out of town guests that would be considered a "meet and greet" the evening before. These traditions of inclusion stemmed from the fact that the extra invitation acknowledged the distance and expense these "out of town" guests went through to get to your wedding that is far away.

Let me say this: I don't think that your father's side of the family should be "blackmailing" you (which they are). I think it's pretty rude and awful for them to be bringing this to you at this point and I feel that should they opt to not attend, then it's more of a loophole for them to not come at all then it is a "retaliation" for something that you didn't do properly and you shouldn't beat your self up over this. However, I do think that, even if it is just completely casual, it would be to your benefit to attempt to stage a welcome reception of some sort (hosted or un-hosted) the evening before. You have a point, your guests should be coming in for the wedding, and not necessarily expect an entire weekend of activities. Unfortunately, I think that things have been trending this way though, and some effort - be it a gift bag or a cocktail reception, has become expected by guests who spend an extra amount of time and effort to attend weddings that are far away.
Since you are in Wine Country and your Budget is tight (if you read this blog regularly, you know I don't ever advocate going above budget or the cash on hand) I would suggest considering hosting 1 round of cocktails in your B & B lobby bar, if the space is available, or finding a local wine bar that would make a great setting for a meet and greet. You can either inform people in advance OR, to keep it even more casual, have a welcome note (hand written is great if you have the time) that is waiting for everyone when they check in or get their welcome gift bag that says "Thank you so much for coming all this way for our wedding. We hope that you will be able to join us for a meet and greet with our guests while we enjoy a glass of wine from the local vineyard. We'll be gathered tonight at Blah blah blah." Depending on the size of your wedding/ your rooms, perhaps you can simply host this reception inside a hotel suite or room and save even more.
Don't feel that you need to do anything above or beyond the reception, or just because this set of guests has rudely offered up protest, but this might be a low cost way for you yourself to feel that you have extended every possible courtesy to your guests who have travelled far away.
In terms of this side of the family particularly, I would suggest that you contact them and say that unfortunately the rehearsal dinner isn't that flexible and that you were limited in locations and had to keep it intimate. You would hope that being at the wedding was reason enough to make the trip, since the rehearsal itself is pretty modest, but you understand that the travel is an expense and they should know that you had hoped that they would be a part of the day, but you'll accept if they feel that it's not something they want to attend. There is nothing that you can do to stop this from hurting your feelings, unfortunately, however I wouldn't pander simply to this group. You could stage the meet and greet that I suggested and find that they are still "offended" and don't want to come......
There is a bigger joy for you to focus on and please don't let this drag you down!

The Future Mrs.

The Q: I'm not sure how I go about changing my name or what my options are? Am I going to have trouble using my passport for my honeymoon?

The A: The main "change" comes when you fill in your marriage license, so when you go to tackle that, that's when you'll need to decide in what format, if any, you'll be the Future Mrs. Blank. I remember when I got married, having a total freak out at City Hall because I found out that I couldn't just take my maiden name as a middle name, I'd have to (legally speaking) hyphenate. The 10 minute errand turned into a two hour hyperventilation episode. Not cute. So, check out what's legal and not legal.

Luckily, because your license is sent out to be truly "legal" AFTER your officiant signs it, you are in the clear for your honeymoon and can use your same old, single self passport. (Unless you take a honeymoon several months after your wedding!)

However, once you get back, the TEDIOUS TEDIOUS task of name change is ALL YOURS. Not having legally changed my last name, I escaped a lot of this work, but I've heard horror stories. BUT HORROR NO MORE. There is a GREAT new site called MaidenNameChange.com that will do the work for you! A totally secure, Hacker safe site, they gather relevant information and do the leg work for you. Started by Pam Sherman and her husband after they were totally overwhelmed by HER name change, it's a project of passion that already has helped brides all across the country. At $29 per bride, I urge you ladies looking to become the Future Mrs. Wonderful to check it out!

When is When?

The Q: "My wedding is only six months away . . .in Guatemala . . . is four (4) months before the wedding too late to send the invitations?" -Chapina

The A:  Hi!  Chapina, I think that 4 months is probably just about right, unless you want to send out a save the date right now.  Generally 4 months is early, but because you need to allow people to make travel plans, you want them to have as much info as possible as early as possible.  I would suggest, if you don't want to print a save the date and an invite, to set up a wedding website and send out the link so that early birds can start planning and mail the invites exactly 4 months in advance with hotel and travel info clearly marked!

Please Don't Save the Date: Changing a Guestlist

The Q:"Hello Xochitl, Here is my dilema, I was planning this elaborate July '08 destination wedding for about 80-100 guest. I have confirmed the date, put down a deposit , sent out Save-the-dates even ordered my dress. Well , we have now decided to do small intimate affair (20-30) guests here in NYC, I do not even know where to start, and what do we tell all the guests that have received their save-the-dates. Help!" Clueless Downtown Girl

The A: Oh, Clueless.... BAD situation..... Save the Dates are the blessing and the curse of contemporary wedding planning. Changing the plans isn't BAD (I just read a very sweet article that has a really nice story about success stories) but it's not that SIMPLE.

Because you sent a Save the Date for a destination wedding you run the risk that without notifying people, they may make plans to travel. BAD SITUATION. So, you MUST issue a written "retraction" of the save the date. Awkward, I know. Here are my suggestions.

Personally, while it SOUNDS worse, I would rather call everyone that you sent this to than figure out an awkwardly worded printed note....I would say something like: Due to unforseen circumstances (which they were) you've changed wedding plans and you wanted to alert them before they might make any travel plans. You apologize for any inconvenience that you may have caused them. When, and if, they ask "When is the new date?" or "What are the new plans?" You can say "To be honest, I think we are going to move it stateside and keep it to immediate family." Even if this is a MILD white lie, I think it's the smoothest, sweetest way to avoid hurt feelings.

If you don't think you can stomach the phone, I suggest HAND WRITTEN, personalized notes. They should basically say the above. Don't use words like "We Regret" or "Regretfully" or "Postponed". Say things like
"Dear Auntie Blank" or "Dear Mr. Blank, We wanted to send you a note to let you know that due to unforseen circumstances, Mr. Downtown and I have changed our wedding plans. We will no longer be married in Cabo (can you tell I'm still missing Cabo!) and will have a tiny reception closer to home instead. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you and wanted to inform you prior to your making any travel plans. "

Let me know how it goes.....

A Post Destination Wedding Reception: Do's and Don'ts for parties upon your return

The Q:  "My husband and I were married on Nov 4 in Hawaii.  Question, we are  having a reception in a few weeks.  Do we have the DJ introduce us for the first time in public as ......even though we saw many of our friends last week at a banquet.  Or would it be more proper for us to mingle with the guests at the cocktail hour and then just have the dj introduce us as the hostess and host for the evening since we will already be in the room?

Also is it improper to have a girl's night out as a belated bachelorette party after the wedding?" -Sue

The A: While I see your point, I don't know that you need to be so anticlimactic about it, it is still a celebration for your wedding afterall!  If I were you I would mingle at cocktail hour, and then ENTER the room for dinner by being announced, but instead of announcing you as "For the first time" have him announce you as "The Bride and Groom, Mr. & Mrs.  Blank" or something cuter like "Fresh from Hawaii, Let's Welcome the newlyweds,  Mr. & Mrs. Blank".   Or, "Please let's celebrate our Bride and Groom Mr. & Mrs....."

My main point is to not tone down your grand entrance at your wedding reception, because despite when the wedding was, it's still your wedding reception. And that's special.

Onto the Hen Night question (that's what they call them in parts of Europe and I think it's so cute!).  While I am never opposed to a girl's night, I think that since you are a new Mrs. So and So, it probably shouldn't be called a bachelorette party and the penis necklace, cop-come-stripper in hotel room schtick might not be the most appropriate call.  A night around town, or a spa day or something fun (I'm thinking Andy Dick in Old School) would be a blast and totally cool to do!

Hope that this helps and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Let's not forget that you are still a bride and groom

Family Weddings Back to Back: Whose Right, Whose Wrong?

The Q: Is there set etiquette regarding a sibling and the amount of time after your wedding when they should get married? I am getting married at the end of June 2008 and my fiancé's brother has recently decided to get married late August/early September 2008. The brother has only dated the girl less than a year and got engaged after us to so we aren't even attempting to over shadow their happiness. But I am so hurt by this because I feel like it has not allowed enough time for our wedding especially for my fiancé's family. I feel like I have been backed into a corner and unable to really enjoy my wedding due to the overshadowing date of his brother's wedding. What do I do and how can I feel better about the situation?- Jamie

The A: Oh, Jamie, I feel badly that you're feeling this way. I totally understand. The thing is, there isn't really a set etiquette on it (Peggy Post even writes about the phenomenon of DOUBLE WEDDINGS: siblings getting married at the same time), but I would say as a rule of thumb I think 4-6 months is probably as close as I would want to get to my sibling's wedding. The other part of this is largely financial, for your fiance's family this second wedding (and possibly yours) will be a bit more of a stretch, since there is little "recovery" time.

However, what's done is done, so what we need to focus on is changing your perception,and I can do that with hard core facts. First, I think your worry should NOT be them overshadowing you, since you have already been engaged, it's been well announced and your wedding is STILL coming first. Secondly,lucky for you, YOU are the bride. Often, for the family of the groom, the involvement and investment is less critical to the process of planning the wedding. As his family will be the Parent of the Groom in both cases, I think you'll find that they will be able to spread their attention out (and since they know you for longer, you'll probably be on the winning side of that). If the second wedding were your fiance's SISTER, then I'd say you had better fight to be heard, but I think you'll find that it will sort itself out on the attention end. Also remember that YOUR wedding is coming first and so if extended family or guests can't make it to both, they will likely make it to yours, since they've known about it for a longer time period.

Finally, though, I think you should think about this is one ADDITIONALLY NEW way. Perhaps your fiance's brother and his fiancee selected this date NOT to TAKE ATTENTION FROM YOU but to TAKE ATTENTION FROM THEM. If they haven't been together for that long, they may want to escape too much scrutiny, or have a slightly smaller wedding, or do things their own way and figure that everyone will be so distracted with your wonderful wedding to pay much attention to theirs. One of our clients got married in October after the bride's sister was married in July. The July wedding was a 300 person, Southern tented extravaganza with fireworks, etc. The October wedding was 65 people in a gallery space in Manhattan. Essentially a dinner party. They were able to plan out all the details with us while her family was totally overwhelmed with her sister's wedding and this suited our clients' low key personality.

Bottom line, you are the bride and don't feel that anyone can put you in the corner ("Nobody puts Bride in the corner!")

Chin Up Jamie!

BTW, if anyone has had a double wedding/ is having a double wedding, can you write to me and tell me about it.

Inviting Language: Using Professional Titles

The Q: "I would like to include my parents first names on our wedding invitation, but I'm not sure on how it should be done and different people have been suggesting different things.  They are still married. Would it be:
Dr. Harry and Sharon Smith
Dr. Harry and Mrs. Sharon Smith
Dr. & Mrs. Harry and Sharon Smith
Any help will be appreciated!"  - Lauren

The A:  Hi Lauren!  I would say Option 2 (Dr. Harry and Mrs. Sharon) would sound the most correct.  Just remember if your in laws names are on the invite, you should keep both of their first names as well in th same format.
The truly correct way is to not use titles (Harry and Sharon Smith) and just use first names, but I think this is a totally OK take on the traditional way of doing it.  This format also allows for you to recognize professional titles of women when men don't have one.  Peggy P. mightn't agree with me, but I personally don't like to ignore married women's professional titles.

Best of luck and congrats!

Proper Showers: Inviting non-Wedding invited guests?

The Q:  "My daughter is getting married in May.  We live in the DC area but all of our extended family is located about 500 miles away.  My mother is planning a bridal shower for her while we are in the area over the Thanksgiving weekend.  She indicated that she would like to invite all of my cousins and in fact all of the women in the family.  Both my husband and I come from large families. Only  our siblings and parents will be invited to the wedding.  I thought it was protocol to only invite those people invited to the wedding.  I've come across websites that indicate differently.  I know my mother is hoping to making this a family gathering of sorts and as the proud grandmother has the best intentions. Do I need to reign her in?  Your thoughts? Thanks!"

The A:  While your instincts are correct, in some respects, I think your mother is attempting to make people feel included in your milestone while alleviating the burden on you and your daughter to host such a lavish wedding that would include ALL of your family.  I think you should allow your mother to invite your extended family, however, I think it must be made VERY VERY clear that the host of  the  shower is your mother and not you.  I think that considering the distance that you live, it won't be taken poorly, as long as thank you notes are issued promptly and you are gracious and up front about the small size of the DC wedding during the course of the shower!

A post-baby, post- home owning Shower

The Q: "I have a 30 year old niece who is getting married next summer.  My niece and her fiancee have been living together in their own home for at least 5 years.  They also have a  6 month old baby.  My questions is: Is a bridal shower appropriate given the situation?  (her mother and grandmother had a baby shower a year ago and some of the same  people will be invited)." - L

The A: L, this is a great question.  I think that every bride deserves a shower, but I think you might want to just think about a DIFFERENT kind of shower!  She may be a mother, she may be a homeowner (she may make me feel horribly inadequate with my non-child having, apartment renting self!) but she is still a bride to be and deserves a little something.  Had she had the baby next year, I don't think anyone would say "She just got married, why do we need to have this baby shower!"

Anyway, having something and having something elaborate are two totally different things.  Clearly, your bride to be doesn't really need home owning items, so focus on a shower with a theme that will not cause your guests to seek out elaborate gifts and will deter them from purchasing items for the home.  I like Spa theme showers in situations like this:  Scented candles, bath oils, Yoga Toes, a new robe.  A "Pamper the Bride" shower, if you will.  Or, what about a Beauty Shower!  Maybe have someone come in to do pedicures or manicures, and the gifts can be little things like perfumes, nailpolishes, cremes, etc. 

The main point is, it needn't be fancy, but she shouldn't be punished because she has a more established household than the average bride.  Hope this helps!

Bridesmaids Gifts Revisited

The Q: "Hi, I'm a bride-to-be and am curious what to get my bridesmaids besides the overdone monogrammed tote and beauty product pamper. Please, any ideas would be helpful! Thanks! "
-CMD from Rochester Mi

The A: I know! Bridesmaids gifts are such a stresser! Here are a few suggestions. Ok, so while you said no beauty, I would still like to suggest Custom Fragrances, because it gives you a chance to think about each girl, while still doing something uniform for them. Creative Scentualization has online fragrance purchasing and it about $35 per bottle www.creativescent.com or for something a little more test-able, Jo Malone will customize scents for you.

I would also suggest that you consider a uniform charm necklace. I gave my maids tiny gold Faith, Hope and Charity necklaces exactly like the one I always wear so that they could have something that reminded them of me and of being in the bridal party. But, for something more fun, I totally suggest Maya Brenner's awesome designs: Mayra and I both have the east coast west coast necklace, and her cool (I SWEAR!) zodiac charms are a great way to think of each girl, but again, stay uniformed. Maya's stuff is available at Thinkher.com

Finally, I have to tell you, I thought this was divine, and much more reasonable than one would think. One of our clients gave each girl a simple pair of diamond studs, which are such a classic that every girl should have one. Another is giving them (and this is a super splurge) Hermes scarves. And then one person bought the girls luxury umbrellas, as a symbolic note that she would be there on a rainy day. I thought that was sweet!

Best of luck and remember, it doesn't need to be related to the wedding!

I was involved with the GROOM!

The Q:"One of my best friends from college is getting married. He and I were involved years ago (in a very messy way) but have remained close friends despite our sexual history. Five years after graduation we have stayed in touch, remained friends, and have been supportive of one-another.

I have invited him and his fiancee over for brunch, my friend and I see one another socially, and I have made an effort to befriend the fiancee. Several months ago, he and his fiancee invited me to their October wedding. As I am currently in a wonderful relationship of over two years and have no issues with my friend getting married, my boyfriend and I gladly accepted. Now, my friend's fiancee has demanded that I not attend their wedding! She has even threatened to post-pone the event if my friend refuses to uninvite me.

I'm extremely hurt and very angry. My friend and I have been close for almost ten years and have been with one another through thick and thin. We're both very loyal people and consider our friendship really important. I can't imagine not being there for the most important day of his life, and now I can't imagine going. What's worse is, I know his fiancee is trying to end our friendship.

I could use some advice on how to handle this horrible situation."

The A: Oh my god, it is horrible! And yet, I'm so sad to say, you are hardly the first girl that this has happened to. THE FOLLOWING IS MY PERSONAL ADVICE, since this is only quasi Wedding Etiquettte related:

It's the extension of the Harry and Sally dilemma of "Can Men and Women be Friends". It's like we figured out that, sure we can (though, truthfully, usually AFTER people have been involved) but then no one ever talks about what happens when anoter woman (OR MAN) gets involved.

I don't know what happened that set his fiancee "off"- meaning why she was cool with you and your attendance one minute and then not cool the next- but whatever it is, there is one really critical thing that you need to accept: She's going to be the wife. It totally blows (is that crude? sorry), but it does. Wifedom trumps friendship in the game of life. And if it doesn't, then they, as a couple, have other issues.

I went through heartbreak like this several times with friends and their new girlfriends/boyfriends or whomevers kind of coming in and changing or ending my friendships, but here is the only ONLY comforting news I can give you: You are still his friend even if she doesn't want you at the wedding and even if for the next year or so, he lays low and you don't see one another very much. You are still his friend as long as you are his friend in your heart, and he will still need your friendship in some way, shape or form now and in the future. Your friendship may not ever "look" like it did in recent memory- because these cross gender friendships change- inevitably- as our life stations change and new people become involved in our lives. But real friendship does endure and you'll see that in another couple of years.

So, practically speaking, what do you do now? Don't be dramatic- PLEASE! A situation went down like this amongst my friends a few years ago and the DRAMA that unfurled destroyed the friendship. But, calmly tell your friend (verballly- no emails PLEASE - for drama reasons) that you don't understand, but you respect his fiancee's decision and that you realize that maintaining your friendship might be difficult for a little while, but you hope that he and she can realize that your intentions are totally platonic and that eventually all four of you (including your boyfriend) can hang out and be friends.

This sounds ridiculous, because how could you not hate her for doing this to you? However, this is now your friends' wife and you kind of need to find the part of her that he loves and do your very best to love it. Like a family member. You didn't get to choose this girl or her attitude, but you are stuck with her if you want to keep your friendship.

You should send them a wedding gift if you can financially afford to do so (since you had planned on going originally anyway) and then lay low. Send them holiday cards and in a few months drop them an email and see how it goes, but for right now, focus on the other frienships in your life and think of this one as I think of Big Love- a wonderful treat that I have No Idea of when it will come back, if it will come back, but I totally enjoyed when it was around.

Age Difference in Bridal Party

The Q:"My fiancee and I are planning a wedding about a year and a half from now.

I have asked my best friend, who is my fiancees age (29) to be my maid of honor. I am 23 and just graduated from college and have moved around a lot, consequently findind out who my true friends are. I have two younger sisters, one from my mothers side and one from my fathers side who will both 14 & 15. I would like them to be my other bridesmaids because I have a very strong relationship with both of them. My fiancee and most of my friends think that this will look odd at the wedding because the groomsmen are so much older than them (between 25-31). I really do not like the thought of choosing random girlfriends to be my bridesmaids just because and would rather include those closest and meaningful to me. At the same time, I don't want guests whispering about the age differences or my wedding party to be strange. Some have suggested that they be junior bridesmaids, but we can't afford to have a massive bridal party that incluides bridesmaids, groomsmen and juniors.

Will this look strange, or, should I even care how things "look"?"- Sarah

The A: Sarah, you should not give a hoot, because their concerns are totally ridiculous. It's a bridal party, not a matchmaking party. Who walks down the aisle for 5 seconds together totally doesn't matter for any two people except for you and your fiancee. Tell them all that they are crazy, keep your bridal party small, your stress level low and remember that none of your guests really care about whose in your bridal party unless they had wanted to be included and weren't.

Because he's your fiancee and thinks it's weird, you should address his concerns and simply limit the potential "couple time" of their interaction: have the men wait at the "alter" and the girls walk in alone, one at a time. They will recess together, but no big deal (5 seconds). During photos, just pose the girls on one side of you and the guys on the other. And during your first dance, don't invite the bridal party to join in or have them walk in guy and girl- just invite all your guests up to dance.

Your instincts are right and bridesmaids should reflect whom you love most, and want to share that day with, not who will look the "best".

Enjoy!

Bridal Party Reciprocity: Never a Bridesmaid

The Q: "My daughter's feelings are going to be hurt at my son's wedding. As their mother, it makes me feel very sad since they were so close when they were growing up. My daughter is seven years older than her brother and has been married for 5 years. At her wedding, her brother was a groomsman. She expects to be asked to be part of the wedding party. My future daughter-in-law only wants 3 of her friends to be her bridesmaids and my son agrees that his sister should not be an attendant given the fact she is older( 35) and married. Feelings are going to be very hurt and frankly, this issue is ruining the whole experience for me when I see my daughter being rejected by her brother. My question is what is the proper etiquette in such a case. Should I insist my son convince his fiancee. I must say it does not endear her
in my heart when she strongly refuses to welcome her future sister-in- law in her wedding attendants."
Sad Mom

The A: Hi Sad Mom. I'm sorry that you are feeling badly by this turn of events and I do hope that this doesn't ruin the wedding for you or for your daughter. However, I must tell you that it's totally within the rules of etiquette for your daughter to NOT be included as a bridesmaid, and frankly, to insist upon so would be out of line on your part. The selection of bridal attendants is primarily the job of the bride and she can include or exclude whomever she pleases. At this point, from you and your daughters perspective, the damage has already been done: the exclusion was made- I can't imagine it will feel any better or less weird if an arm was twisted to get the result that you want.

So, what now? Well, first, I wouldn't assume that because she isn't an attendant, that they are planning on excluding her. You should find out from your son what way they were thinking about incorporating his sister. You should let him know that it's a priority for your family that everyone feel included in the day and since his sister isn't going to be a bridesmaid, you wanted to know what they were thinking of doing. If they haven't thought about it, they might think about a reading, or a toast at the reception or something special.

I understand your hurt feelings: I totally didn't invite my sisters in law to be in my bridal party. I felt like I wanted to be surrounded by the girls that got me to that point, and not by people who were really a part of my husbands growing up. I know none of my in laws liked that decision, but I respected that no one said anything. My sisters in law did the readings at our mass and we acknowledged them at our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and in the program at our wedding. I don't think I would change my choice- I had a blast with my best girlfriends and closest confidants. Now, of course, I feel my sisters in law are part of my family- and my sisters, but that relationship really developed POST wedding as we joined our families.

Engagement Party Etiquette: Toasted on Both Sides

The Q: "If both sets of parents live in the same community, but are not socially connected can they each host an engagement party, which would have some of the guests invited to both?" Jan

The A: Jan, I'm going to make a shocking, common sense departure from traditional etiquette. The rules of etiquette say that a couple can have any number of engagement parties, that no gifts are to be expected by the couple and that each side of relatives will likely want to have one because often the purpose of the party is to not only TOAST the couple, but to INTRODUCE the future new Mr. or Mrs. to the relatives and friends. Typically, if it's physically possible, the future in-laws would be in attendance as well.

However, I think that the engagement party serves another purpose: to celebrate the expansion of family. If your families live in close enough proximity, and even share common friends, I think that hosting two different parties (with common guests) will send a very VERY strange message that you want to keep your two families VERY distinct. It might even seem as though your parents don't approve of his parents, or vice versa. Very Montague and Capulets. Or Hatfield and McCoy. Or Tony and Maria. You get the point. It seems weird.

It additionally may seem that you are fishing for gifts, because even though you shouldn't expect anything at this party, most people will feel somewhat obligated to give you something.

I think that the better solution would be to pool collective parental resources and have an even larger, more splendid celebration that will combine all of your families and friends. If you have the increasingly rare luxury of living close enough to both sets of your families, that's reason enough to celebrate!

The Demanding Bride

The Q: Two of my oldest and closest friends are soon getting married. They are
having a destination wedding in a month's time and I'll be travelling upstate for the best part of the week. This week I recieved a wedding information pack. Two things struck me as particularly unreasonable requests. The first is a fancy dress party a couple of days before the wedding, and it was stated specifically that costume is compulsory! I'll be travelling by train so space in my luggage will be limited and I don't much fancy hauling a costume all that way - additionally, this wedding is already costing quite a bit of money and I don't feel like I should have to purchase a costume or accessories for this event. Secondly, as part of the reception there will be a dancing competition where we are expected to compete in teams for a prize. This couple are known for their crazy ideas and sitting it out won't really be an option, yet I feel very uncomfortable about the thought of this. Should I tell them that they're bestowing unreasonable requests on their guests, who have already had to go to great expense and time to attend the wedding? Or just suck it up and go along with it, which will cause me some resentment on what should be a happy occasion? -Irritated Friend

The A: Ouch. That sounds horrible. And yet, there isn't anything you can do. If you have opted to attend (or are still opting to attend because they are such close friends) you must go with the flow- particularly about the dance competition at the reception. Truth be told, you can opt out of the auxiliary events if you really want to as long as you are a part of their special day. If that means participating in a dance contest, then I think you need to wear your dancing shoes.

Seperately, do I think that these ideas are crazy, rude and ridiculous. Sure. However, the truth is that as the bride and groom, it's a celebration of them, and they are entitled to have their day their way, and you are entitled to attend or not attend. It's possible that with these demands, they may limit their friend circle a bit (to only the truly bohemian), but as Bobby said, it's their perogative.

When Both Parents Pay

The Q:I have a huge question that I can‚t figure out on my own. I am the last of 3 daughters to get married. My parents all set up the same wedding budget for the 3 of us - 12K. This was fine for my sisters because they had smaller weddings (and my older sister got married 6 years ago)

My future in laws are going to give us 8K for the wedding. My parents are having a hard time with this because they did not do that at my sisters‚ wedding they were the sole hosts.

The wedding is at the end of the month and my mom is having a hard to with the introductions. She feels like they should not both be hosts because they are not splitting the wedding evenly. I am very grateful the my parents are giving 12K to us but I cannot deny that his parents are also paying for a
good chunk.

So how do I have them introduced by the band? I would be grateful for any guidance or answers. We live in Baltimore and I'm from an old fashioned Italian family and my fiancee is Irish Thanks so much. - Gab

The A: I totally understand your stress over this! You not only don't want to make your parents feel badly about their contribution or for you to feel ungrateful, but you also don't want to ignore the generosity of your in-laws. I'm actually amazed you didn't email me months earlier about your invitations!

First, let me say that I was raised by my grandparents who had a "football" wedding- where they threw sandwiches around a Knights of Columbus hall based on people's selections (I'd like a Salami Hero!, etc). They spent a few hundred dollars on their party and then opened up gift envelopes to pay for it! Try explaining to them that I spent $5k on a wedding dress!!! It's VERY hard to overcome parents understanding of wed-onomics- especially lately- Photography fees have increased by more than 25% in the last 5 years or so alone! SO, that said, I say you just GIVE UP that battle, if you haven't already. Your parents won't understand why you couldn't make do with what they gave your sisters and will always probably feel a little crestfallen that you took some money from your in laws (did I mention that aforesaid grandmother is Italian- I think I get it...)

On to Problem of the Moment: I don't know what was done at your sister's weddings before, but I think that if your mom and dad were introduced as "Ladies and Gentleman, your host for this evening.... etc. etc, I think that you should simply NOT do that in either case and I would proposal the following: Have your parents (and possibly grandparents introduced) in terms of their relations to you both- with your parents going last- the mother of the bride is the default hostess of any wedding anyway- no one can take her shine. THEN after your first dance/ whenver the first break in dancing is going to be, you should have YOUR parents have make a welcome to all of your guests to thank them for joining them. This clearly establishes them as the hosts of the party without offending anyone by STATING them as so. If your mom and dad are stressed by this because it seems different, you can let them know that it's sort of a new way of doing things (and it is, actually) and it will give them a chance to welcome their guests.

So, now you are saying, OK, but what about my in laws. I would also suggest three additional things:
First, at the ceremony in the program, be sure to insert a thank you. There you can acknowledge both your parents (for hosting still a third daughters wedding!) and your in laws for all of their generosity and support with this major milestone in your lives. You couldn't have made today happen without both of your parents. Etc. etc.
THEN consider inviting both of your sets of parents onto the receiving line. This enables them both to seem special and involved (though, it will add about 2 more minutes per person on the receiving line, so check and be sure you have the time to do so).

Finally, I suggest that you and your fiancee make a toast right before the cake cutting (or before your groom dances with his mother) to take some time to VERBALLY acknowledge the generosity of both of your parents in making this day happen.

I suspect that explaining to your mom that she will be acknowledge is probably the larger hurdle rather than your in-laws ASSUMING that they would be "billed" as co-hosts. I say this because, on your side, is a LONG LONG LONG history in both of your cultures of the wedding being the "bride's family's affair".

I hope that helps and ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! You all love each other, and this too will pass!

The Ex'es New Wife: Not a Gracious Bride

The Q: MY DAUGHTER IS A BRIDESMAID AT HER DADS WEDDING NEXT WEEK - THE BRIDE THE BITCH ORDERED THE DRESS 2 SIZES SMALL - WHAT SHOULD I DO? - Gee

The A:Something tells me that you are PRETTY confident that this wasn't done in error....
Well, here is the thing, as much as you would want to tell her to go and take a long walk off of a short pier, your daughter needs to be a part of her father's wedding. At this point, you need a quick fix- you need to buy your daugther a dress that matches the dress in color tone and legnth. That is as good as you can do. You must attempt to avoid altercation with the bride, no matter how WRONG she is and you must simply deal with your ex-husband. It's horrible, it's asking you to be a bigger person, and I know it's just disgraceful that she would do that, but this is the best way around this for your daughter and for you- Drama is EXHAUSTING, isn't it? If finances are a concern, you must address this with the father of your daughter so that he can cover the cost of this new dress. The bride needs to be instructed to keep all criticism of your new, replacement dress to herself - if she has any sense at all. I hope that's helpful! I know that this totally stinks!

Registry Schmegistry: To have or to have not

The Q: "I am having an engagement party (champagne toast and hors d'ouevres). I did not register because I thought it would be in poor taste but I have a few people who are giving me grief and acting as if I did not use proper etiquette. I was having the party as a celebration. We are not having a wedding but the purpose was not to get gifts out of people. Please advise." - Tammy

The A: Boy, people are really funny, aren't they? You ask for gifts and you're greedy, you don't ask for gifts and your inconsiderate! You just can't win! The truth is (and this is the truth according to the GENIUS Peggy Post) NO ONE is obligated to purchase you an engagement gift- and it's considered in POOR TASTE to imply that your guests should. So in actuality, your not registering is certainly no faux pax. However, because etiquette is only as good as the number of people who use it (and it seems that number is growing less and less) these kinds of things are likely to happen. To avoid turning the inquiries cantankerous, I suggest simply telling them that you would prefer people make a charitable donation. Charity has an amazing way of shutting people up!

Guest Etiquette 101

The Q: Since I'm learning on your blog daily how to be gracious host, what tips can I learn about being a gracious guest?

The A: Oh, so much! Weekend after Weekend, (hold on while I get on my soapbox) I am APPALLED at the horrible behavior that I witness at our clients weddings- all of the atrocities of etiquette committed by guests. It's like our polite society is CRUMBLING before my very eyes!
(sigh) Anyways, I guess I'm not the only one who feels this way because the gals (and I'm sure there are some guys there too!) at WeddingChannel.com have just posted a Wedding Guest Guide! It answers such questions as "How do I know if I was invited with a guest?" or (and they phrased it more politely- "Should I get hammered at a wedding?" I will say that the issue that they tackle that is closest to my heart is "Are there colors that are inappropriate to wear?" The answer is, naturally, DO NOT WEAR WHITE. In fact, honestly, they weren't firm enough about it! The question should have said "I shouldn't wear white to a wedding, should I? and the answer, if I were an editor there would be "ABSOLUTELY NOT, buy, borrow or steal another dress to wear if you ONLY own white dresses, do NOT wear a white dress." I cant tell you how many weddings we've gone to where guests - one time it was a MIL!!! - wore white to the wedding. So many people committed this sin last summer that I started to think I was going crazy, entering a secret world where there were no rules!

Ok, back to weddingchannel! They did a good job, I hope people read it- it has smart things like "Don't verbalize complaints to the bride and groom." If I could make one addition, I think it would have to be "Should I dance on the dancefloor during the first dance?" To which I would have to say "NO" and retell the story about practically tackling a couple who never go the "Don't get hammered" memo a couple of years ago as they tried to "join in" the 1st Dance.

Check out the guide and "politely" send it to your guests :-) Kidding.
(Guest Etiquette Guide