Always a Blogsmaid

Dressed for Success??

The Q: "I am the maid of honor for my girlfriend.She is getting married and has set aside
$1000 for her bridal dress.  She has fallen in love with a $3000 dress and is fretting about spending that much money.  I think she can get a beautiful dress within her budget and to keep looking.  She has already tried on some dresses in her range and has looked terrific. She still has other expenses to think about.  I think she might be loosing her focus.  any suggestions?"

The A: Wow! You sound like me with one of our clients!!!   I think you are being a good MOH in trying to dissuade her, but it's hard to change the course of a determined bride, especially when it comes to the dress.

However, I think the best thing that you can do is to show her what the 2K difference can buy her.  2K can pay for an extra 10 guests at her wedding.  2K can cover her ceremony flowers and possibly her personal flowers.  2K can more than cover transportation.  2K can go towards the honeymoon.  2K can pay for all of the alterations, shoes, foundation garments, hair and make up AND a cute Tory Burch dress for her Rehearsal dinner.  I think that rather than make a vague suggestion about how she can use her money, just showcase for her HOW far that money can go (and will need to go) in certain other areas.  She can pay for her DJ and live ceremony musicians with that money.  I could go on and on and on... I hope that helps- but remember, it's her show- don't allow yourself to get frustrated with her decisions- ultimately, you'll just bicker amongst yourselves and both be frustrated by the experience.

When the Parent ATM is CLOSED

The Q:  “We announced our engagement a few weeks ago and my parents have not mentioned anything about helping to fund the wedding.  Both of us were under the impression that the parents of the bride pay for the wedding, or at least helped to pay.  How can we bring this up with them without seeming greedy?”

The A:  Before you bring this up, you and your fiancé need to get to a place where you are feeling less presumptive about your parents financial role.   There was a time when of COURSE parents were responsible for paying for their daughters wedding.  However, there was also a time that if parents didn’t have the money for an elaborate wedding, the bride would have to live with whatever they could afford to offer.  I know that this sounds like tough love, but I think that if you approach this situation from a “you are supposed to do this, so what’s up?” P.O.V, the meeting will not go well.
    So, what do you do?  First, I think you should start investigating your wedding plan.  You should figure out what the two of you alone, without your parent’s money, could afford.  Once you have a sense of this, perhaps it’s very small, perhaps it’s a very long engagement with a larger party at the end, you should set up a dinner or a visit with you parents and let them know what you are thinking of.  Bring you fiancé, but only if you are confident that they are mutually comfortable with one another.
The purpose of this meeting is to let them know that you started to investigate some wedding options and had some potential wedding dates.  Lay out the options you’ve come up with and let them know that you didn’t want to assume that they are going to assist with the planning, but if they are able to, you would probably look to have a larger or perhaps more formal event.  The main point of the conversation is to let them know that you aren’t sitting around assuming that they are going to foot the bill- but you would welcome and appreciate anything they might have been willing to accommodate. 
To put this into context: consider why they haven’t been forthcoming with the financial aid.  Are they typically quite generous so that this is out of the ordinary?  Is it possible that they don’t approve of the union?   Perhaps they are finding themselves strapped for cash at the moment.  As my family LOVED to tell me again and again: parents are not banks!  I am certain that you don’t see your parents that way, but you want to be considerate of what circumstances might be informing their behavior.
Truth be told, in the days of weddings 1.0, a parent could pay for a wedding and help their child with a down payment on a home. One of my favorite parts of My Big Fat Greek Wedding was that they bought her a house after hosting that tacky, huge, fat, wedding!   It’s possible that your parents want to support your efforts for a more long-term kind of project such as a home or an apartment.  Tread carefully and don’t carry a demanding stick!

A Communal Invitation: Growing Guest lists

The Q: "My mother and I have hit a wall with the guest list. My dream wedding would include an intimate ceremony and reception for about 80 guests. My mother on the other hand has dreams of upwards to 175!

In my attempt to bend, i have pushed the number up to 125-150. Even still this is not enough for her. My father is a minister, and she insists upon offering an open invitation to the church.

I trying to understand this. At the same time my FI and I are on a miniscule budget. We can barely afford to feed 150 and thats at the bare bones lunch rate that i can get with my desired banquet hall.

My FI and I are financing this wedding as both sets of parents are not in a good place financially. My mother claims that we can make this work. That they (my parents) will put up the extra money, but I just can not see how they could do so. At this point I need to move forward with my plans for a November '08 wedding. i cannot continue to sit idly by and wait for some supposed money that may never materialize!

What should I do? Am I being unreasonable? Is she? How do i put my foot down with a woman who only has one daughter? She said last nite that she knows its my day, but its her day too. I think I understand but how can I get her to see the reality of our finances? Her head seems stuck in the clouds while mine are firmly planted on the ground!"

The A: Your stress is merited and I applaud you for your patience and understanding of a mother's love and her desire to share joy with everyone (LITERALLY, everyone) that she knows! I even applaud your realism, though that's probably what's giving you stress.

So, essentially, this is going to require a bit of putting your "foot down" and perhaps the best way to do this is to put the costs up front to her NOW vs. making it seem like something that you would need to worry about in November. Show her your deposit schedule for your venue and say that having a reception for 175 at your reception space requires a deposit that is larger than you can handle right now since you have to give deposits to your DJ, photographer and more. Therefore, you must cut the guest list down because you won't risk going into debt for this wedding.

If this doesn't seem to appeal to her then I would suggest that you consider two receptions perhaps held a week apart, or even in the same weekend as a compromise. Perhaps your ceremony itself is kept more intimate, followed by your INTIMATE lunch reception for the barest minimum of family and friends. Then consider issuing an invitation to your congregation and extended friend circle of your parents to a public blessing of your marriage the following week followed by a cake and punch reception for everyone- all 175 or 200 guests in your church gathering hall (this is assuming that you have one). Perhaps this is where you take care of, or even repeat if you feel you want them to be part of your first day, some of your formalities with a SIMPLE sound system, such as your first dances and parent dances and fun stuff like the bouquet toss. This should literally be a simple 2 hour gathering and the wording on the invitation should say something to the effect of "You are invited to celebrate our marriage at a cake a punch reception following services on......"

I think that this would enable them to feel that everyone had a chance to be a part of your marriage celebration, but will save you some money.

At some point, depending on how they receive the above ideas (if you like them) you may simply need to come out and decide how far you will go. Do you forgo flowers to pay for more guests? Do you use an ipod instead of a DJ? My main thought is that while it's great to include people, it's important to start your new life in a financially sound place and not drowning in wedding debt!

Reflecting on Bridal

No question today, but some great ANSWERS for those of you looking around for wedding dresses in the city- ESPECIALLY this weekend!  I paid a visit to Bridal Reflections today to preview their Ines di Santo trunk show and check out their wonderful Manhattan Location.  Those of you from Long Island are probably familiar with Bridal Reflections, and their two large salons there that have been thrilling brides, bridesmaids and MOBs for years.  About a year ago they opened up a location on 5th Avenue, between 31st and 32nd street.  The atmosphere is elegant and clean, the dresses organized in a great manor for both assistance by their staff or for browsing with Mom and the collections are wonderful  for the bride who is looking to make a dramatic entrance.

This Saturday (1/19) they are having a trunk show for Ines Di Santo's '08 line and the designer will be there! If you are familiar with the designer's sexy column dresses and bold ballgowns, you know to expect spectacular.   I saw SEVERAL gorgeous gowns not shown on her website- two in particular caught my eye- a bodice of a basket woven tulle with a ballgown skirt and another dress with the MOST delicate lily of the valley detailing that I've ever seen.

Some standouts at the Salon were also some items from St. Pucchi: one is an empire waisted gown for a princess, the other a hand made lace in thas well as the amazing, sexy vintage styles of Romona Keveza.   

As a further tip, they had an amazing collection of bridal jewelry, including  amazing hair pins and clips,which are sometime hard to find.  I'm a fan of Tacori - the mother of pearl inspired pieces- and they carry those items there.  All in all a lovely visit and if you're in the market for sophisticated, detailed bridal, Bridal Reflections is a great place to go. 

Affordable Lofts Around New York

The Q: I have a question maybe you guys can help me out. My sister is getting married sometime in fall, not sure when, but i was wondering if you guys can recommend a loft that's not so expensive that may provide all the linnens and tables chairs etc.. but has enough dance room? -Solange in New York

The A: Well, probably with all things wedding, affordable is always relative! We love the Metropolitan Building in Long Island City, which is and isn't affordable, but it includes a ton of stuff that makes it work out to be a smart choice in some ways. The Met Building has two floors, or the whole building and has one space that holds about 125 for dinner and dancing and another space that holds around 200-220 for dinner and dancing (maybe a bit more). It's a real ecclectic and awesome space- maybe not for everyone's taste- but the location rental fee (which starts at around $5500 for the lower level and goes to $10K for the entire building) includes nearly unlimited hours for your party- you can load in at 9AM and leave almost whenever you want- as well as tables and wooden folding chairs. Linens, plates and glasses are included when you use their AMAZING recommended caterer. The venue also has a fabulous collection of vintage style lounge furniture (think chaise lounges, velvet ottomons, victorian style coffee tables, etc) that they make available for events at no additional charge. The inclusion of all these things really does add up, but again, if you aren't into the folding chairs, the savings probably becomes minimal- using their chairs saves you about $4 per guest. For the linens, your rental company will have a great selection, both of basics and of more elaborate table tops. But, be sure if budget is a concern that you stick with the simple cottons. For affordable rentals with reliable service, I suggest either Broadway Famous or Tri Serve.

Wedding Sponsors & Purse Strings

The Q: "My parents are offering to help fund a portion of wedding on one
condition: they are heavily suggesting/requesting that I have a sponsor
in my wedding party. At a traditional Filipino wedding, sponsors are
present to witness the union of the couple and symbolize guidance and
support. The thing is, I have clearly explained to my parents that my
fiance and I have agreed to a NON-TRADITIONAL wedding and a civil
ceremony. Yet they are still insisting on a traditional sponsor role. I
never planned on a sponsor, nor do I want a sponsor. I am worried that
if we agree to their wish, the guestlist might grow, another thing we do
not want. I'm also worried if we do not comply with their wishes, we
lose the opportunity of extra funds my parents are offering. Can you
please give suggestions on how to compromise with my parents without
things getting out of hand and family getting offended?

Double Edge Sword,
Jill in NYC"

The A:Jill, this is a tough one, because the person who controls the purse strings tends to be the person who controls the situation! So, I will offer up some tactics. First, I would say that you may want to give in on the sponsor situation regardless. Knowing Philipino culture, I think it would save a lot of hurt feelings to have sponsors, regardless of whether or not you have a civil ceremony. For readers who don't know, Sponsors are a cross between a wedding party and god parents. Typically, the position implies literally, sponsorship of elements of the wedding: paying for a DJ, paying for your wedding accessories, etc. In different families these elements can be more or less extravagant. Typically they are acknowledged, along with their gift in the ceremony program.

So, I would say this to you: I think that even if you got married in City Hall, you would need witnesses, and sponsors can help serve that role. So, what I think you should do is to let your parents know that you are happy to include sponsors in your wedding, but that you really don't want to budge on expanding the guestlist or on having a non-traditional wedding. I would suggest that maybe, if you are thinking non-traditional at your wedding, that you find a new way to acknowledge your sponsors at your reception- perhaps you have a program at your reception or a note of thanks on each guest table acknowledging your sponsors. Typically, I know that a large production is made at the start of the reception with sponsors being introduced and being part of a first dance with the bride and groom. If that's more traditional than what you would like to do, perhaps you can have a special slow dance later where you invite all of your sponsors to join you and your husband on the dancefloor- in a more low key acknowledgement of their contribution.

The truth is though, that taking cash often means taking input and weddings are really family affairs- especially for the bride's family. The truth is that hurt feelings about rejecting cultural traditions and family participation can last for years and years, so I think you both think about that as much (if not more) than weighing the value of financial contribution. I would tell you that the first thing that I would do is to determine what is more important to you: NOT having a church ceremony or NOT having any typical trappings of a Philipino reception. I would think about offering to flex on one or the other, but let your parents know that you want to put your own personal spin on the way that it's done. Perhaps you have a non religious ceremony in a non-denominational house of worship and have the laso as part of your ceremony.

Lucky 7's

The Q:"How Can One Have a Totally Free, Spontaneously planned Wedding on the MOST popular wedding day of the year"- Xochitl

The A: OK, so I have to tell you, I just got an email about this and thought it was so bizarre, but brilliant for the right couple! EVERYONE has been wanting 7/7/07 as a date- we've been getting calls for nearly 2 years! So many people that not everyone can find a place to have their wedding. Wal Mart is having a contest for couples who have been Lucky in Love and they are giving 7 couples a fully paid for ceremony and reception on 7/7/07. It's an essay contest. The winners get Garden Parties furnished and hosted by Wal Mart. It's a bit wacky, but sweet, don't you think? I'm a born and bred New Yorker, so I don't know that I've been to Wal Mart (what a sheltered life I've lived). Is there a Wal Mart around here? Is this like having a sponsored wedding? I don't know, I haven't really debated the cultural implications of it, but I thought it was so wacky that it made me smile!

Here's the info:
http://survey.gsquaredtemplates.com/TakeSurvey.asp?SurveyID=3K26o3KH7771K

Mommy and Money

The Q:" My mom is old school about weddings - she and my dad had a cake and punch reception in their Iowa church basement. So when I told her that a rather modest budget for a New York wedding was 20k-30k, she just didn't get it. Between what my fiance and I and our parents can contribute, we think we can swing a 25k budget without too much trouble, but my mom is morally opposed to spending that much on "a big party." But at the same time, she says we *must* invite all the relatives that it shouldn't be "tacky." Um... Many thanks for any advice you can offer." -Anna in Manhattan

The A: Anna, you're not alone. A lot of our clients have this dilemma- even when the couple are paying for the wedding themselves. It's like a form of culture shock - they just don't understand. Think of it as a revist of your first NYC apartment rental- "You're paying how much for THIS???" I have two tactics to take with this.

My first is called the "Special Visit". If mom wants to help plan, have her come out and arrange a bunch of vendor meetings- some site visits, a photographer visit, maybe your DJ or caterer if that's an issue. Talk really openly about pricing, because I think the purpose of this visit is to let your family know that you are not trying to be the Melania Trump of 2007. I've seen this visit change many a mind for our clients. It's one thing to be far away and hear prices, but it's another to see what you are paying for and that it's just not nearly as extravagent as the price tags sound. Suddenly, it's not as important to have all of the aunties you've ever known, or perhaps you can have a home town style reception here in New York:

I personally would love to see it become totally acceptable to have large scale dessert receptions at weddings here. Unfortunately the expectation of a full sit down dinner seems to have become the norm, but it needn't be so. An elegant pastry station, with wedding cake and champagne can be done in a gorgeous way and it can be followed by or precede an intimate, elegant family meal at an amazing restaurant.

My other suggestion is to plan two parties. One that is smaller and more intimate here- a large scale dinner party for your immediate families and closest friends in New York and then a more casual, old school style punch and cake reception for your larger family back home. They actually might really appreciate the fact that they don't need to travel. You could do this vice versa as well: home first and then something smaller here- but the key is that you don't go crazy in either place.

Like with most things in New York, there is a certain amount of compromise to having a wedding here- and extravagance and size might be your area of compromise.

Sometimes, what we find is a parent who wants to cover the cost for a wedding for their child, but whose contribution won't be quite enough for a NYC wedding. For a lot of our clients they may opt to fill that gap themselves, and while this is a little less ethical, they don't necessarily let their family know. This is called the "don't talk about price" game- which can be equally stressful....

Let them Eat (cheap) Cake!

The Q: Oh My Lord! I just got some quotes from bakers for wedding cakes and I am absolutely shocked! Anywhere from $9-$15 per slice! Do you have any tips for ways to save money on cake?

The A: Hi! Well, you are talking to the queen of cheap cakes! Ok, that's not really true, I LOVE gorgeous wedding cakes and some of my favorite wedding vendors are bakers- we love Carlos' in hoboken and we love Cheryl Kleinman here in BK (they are both high end, yet reasonable, I think), but for my own wedding, I sooo couldn't open my wallet up in this area. SOOO, here are my tips on saving on cake:

1) Just say NO to Rolled Fondant! This is a big cost adder as it's pretty labor intensive for the baker. Many people don't like the gummy quality of the fondant anyway, and a lot of caterers will remove it before serving, so I say no.
2) Just say NO to Sugar Flowers! They are lovely, but chat with your florist about adding fresh flowers because they Sugar Flowers add about $1-3 per slice when the baker does it, but adding fresh might only add $10-50 TOTAL when the florist does it. Some florists will throw that in depending on what you want.
3)Just say NO to a huge cake! A Bakers slice vs. an actually satisfying slice are two different things. Often we will order (depending on the size of the reception) cake for 10-20 less guests. We've never run into a problem. Regionally, this might not be a smart move, but here in NYC, for 150 guests or more, it's usually fine. Not a huge cost cutter, but it helps!
4) Say YES to ribbons! I used a smoothed out buttercream frosting and hunted around town for gorgeous ribbons for our cake. In fact, a year later, at a clients wedding, the cake arrived and was LADEN with sugar flowers (NOT WHAT SHE WANTED). I ended up pulling the flowers off and wrapping the layers with extra ribbon we'd had around from her programs. No one could stop complimenting the cake!!!

Some Cake Cost Cutting Myths: Somewhat Verified!

1) Square cakes are cheaper. We've never seen that happen. In fact a couple of our bakers have told us that they are more labor intensive.....
2) Plain fondant is cheaper because it's simple. It's not really.
3) Making the layers "fake" except where you cut into. They are still decorating a HUGE cake. In fact, many bakers do that automatically, for structural reasons. The cheaper take on that would be to order a smaller cake for display and then ask the baker to prepare the remaining portions as a sheet cake.
Just be honest with your baker and let them know what you want to do (obviously), but be sure that they make the cake as small as possible without compromising the design. You don't want to end up with a cake that looks ridiculously out of of proportion.

Lofts: A Save or A Splurge?

The Q:"My fiancee and I are on a pretty tight budget. We would like to have a sit down dinner for about 120 guests, but find catering halls to be too over the top for us in style and not unique enough. We would really like to have a loft wedding here in NY as a way to save money but have something less cookie cutter." - Carlos in Brooklyn

The A:This is a hard question, because what different people consider "tight budgets" varies differently. However, because you mention a few key (read: $$) elements, I'm going to give you some rough estimates of costs and debunk a myth for you: Loft weddings are not cheaper than catering halls and they are generally not cheaper than restaurants if you are having a small enough wedding. They are cool, interesting, edgy and open to your signature mark, but they are not necessarily cheaper. They can be comparable, but rarely cheaper.

So, to answer your question, my suggestion to you if you are really on a tight budget (let's say around 20-30K, which is the national average, but here in NYC is, sadly, considered a tight budget) I would search for a restaurant with a private room that you and your fiance like, or find to be special to you. Many restaurants in and around the city have amazing private rooms and can host an elegant dinner party with enough room for dancing. They are designed to provide bountiful, fresh food and generally have an atmospheric tone to them- in furniture, light fixtures, etc. that tends to be more understated than what we find at catering halls and often times the food may be more to your liking if that's a big deal to you both as a couple. The trick is to find a restaurant whose vibe and decor you might actually like. Generally you might then look at anywhere from as low as $55 pp for a 3 hour party (plus .28375%, the magic tax and gratuity number in most NYC wedding establishments) to around $120pp for a 4 or 5 hour party. Obviously, with all things NY, there are always places that are much more expensive, but this is do-able for a 3 course meal, some passed apps. and open bar or beer and wine. A nice, classy (the sincere use of the word classy) soiree for your celebration.

So, how does a loft get more expensive? Well, first, there is the space rental fee. Here in NY, that can range from $2,000 for some smaller galleries to $10,000 for some of the larger lofts and photo studios around the city. On top of that you have your off premise catering. There are some caterers in the city who might be able to work with you for a sit down meal for $55 ++ per person (not many, but some) but on top of that you have to add in rentals (chairs, tables, not to mention the often needed catering kitchen equipment) at between $40-65 pp (this leans higher if you love ballroom chairs or must have guests have charger plates) and staffing (we need to serve the food!) at around $35-50 pp depending on funny things: buffet or seated, wine pouring at the table, # of bartenders. So, in essence you are looking at a price of anywhere from $146 (plus, plus) to around $250 per guest! And I forgot to add the cake!

Added to this is that you sometimes don't have dinner friendly lighting or you need lighting more in raw spaces and there is the issue of a sound system. More and more "loft style" spaces are building in sound systems, which is a huge plus! But if there isn't one, this is an additional cost to think about.

My real word of wisdom on the topic is that if you are on a budget, and you as a person have a tendency to like to upgrade (I'm one of these people- "Do you want the extended warranty?" "Sure, what's an extra $10!" "Do you want to get the large diet coke for only a quarter more?" "OF course!"), then this might not be the way for you to go. There are so many options for upgrading and upselling and so much room to go crazy, it might be best to look into a venue, like a restaurant, that can minimize your exposure to budget blowout!

That said, we did an amazing wedding for 150 guests in an art gallery in DUMBO last year. I think it was around $30K. The bride wore a white cocktail dress off the rack. We served a buffet of full roasted pig, mini burgers, cuban pulled pork sandwhiches and poached salmon. The waiters passed trays of fries. We had a beer station, which was self serve. They used a DJ and we did really really basic lighting. We had cocktail style seating on folding chairs and stools and used the most basic white cloths. The main thing for them was getting everyone together and showing them a good time the way the client would see it- fun, greasy food, great music and tons of liquor! They new their priorities, were minimally concerned with traditions and cared more about comfort than elegance. It was one of the greatest weddings I've ever wished I was a guest at!

Catering Realities

The Q: What is the deal with TASTINGS for my caterer? Do I really not get one? -- Ms. A., Brooklyn, NY

The A: I understand. Here you are, you and your hubby to be forking over 10, 30, hey even 60 thousand dollars on food and beverage and rentals and you

Oh, my little NY city lovely, if only, if only!

Here's the deal, to answer the question most directly! When we dine in a restaurant, things are fresh (ish), but the truth is, they mass purchase. Not just for a week, but they are purchasing again and again and again the same things for a whole season. Don't worry, they don't get it all at once, but they still pretty much get to use the same suppliers. Which equals volume purchase which means discounts!

So, your lovely off premise caterer. Well, to be honest, they aren't making a ton. Some are, but many aren't. Your OP Caterer is buying ingredients JUST FOR YOU (because you're special) but actually because that's part of the wonder and amazingness of Loft Weddings- it's literally a catered affair.


I mean, as a youngster in Sunset Park and Bensonhurst, we attended many a catered affair, but none like this- this is a party that is TOTALLY DESIGNED FOR YOU.


Which answers the next questions: why are OP caterers more expensive/ more limited than catering halls. If you want 8 different entree selections, check out a wedding facility. But in a "Unique Wedding Space" you aren't going to find many places offering you that kind of food.

So, why? Well, everything is fresh, as I mentioned, but also, everything is there just for you. Generally speaking, not only are the plates and the tables and the chairs all to your specifications, but so are the ovens and the chafing dishes and more. It's all really your party.


So, why no tastings? Well, the plain, unromantic answer is that it doesn't make much business sense. Our rough survey tells us that a tasting costs nearly 1K per couple if specific to their menu. Many caterers, especially not the most frugal or low priced, will just not spend it without knowing that you were going to book the client. For even the next level up an exact tasting of your menu is a tough stretch. For the top rung however, they will definitely do it.

But, to let you know, the top rung is really lovely and pricey.


Then there is the staffing. Well, the staff is hired as you need it. You ALWAYS need a Maitre'd, of course! Make sure that you have one. You also need a ratio of about 1 waiter for every 10 guests for a sit down, and I'd say 1 per 15 for buffet, though lower is still OK if the person has experience, but especially experience in your space. Don't let your wedding be a caterers gineau pig. Save that for your cousin's sweet 16.

This one is always a tough call. You can find someone who will cater your party for not much at all, but the larger question is, why? Why are they doing it for so little?

the average Off Premise Caterere should be about $150-175 at least, with staffing and rentals. But when it's all said and done, it might be much closer to $225, when you factor in your space.


Of course, it's the big apple baby, and that's the story here. Happy Hunting!