Sub-prime Wedding Woes

The Q:" I agreed to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding when she got engaged. Its is now April and her wedding is in December. (We haven't done anything yet- like get dresses). As of recently, I am seriously strapped for cash. I am having a hard time even paying my mortgage. Is it horrible to tell her I can't be in the wedding, not because I don't want to, but because I just really can't afford it. It's driving me crazy and I'm all stressed out about it. What should I do?"

The A: If I had audio on here, I'd have put in a clip of MJ singing "You are not alone". I actually can't tell you how a) frequently this happens and b) how OK it is to face reality and accept the things that you can and cannot do. Good for you for setting priorities financially and I commend you for being so respectful of your friend that you are stressing out about this

The #1 thing to do is to let her know as soon as possible in a nice, private and respectful way. Don't send her an email or (god forbid) a text message about it!!! Please. Call her and let her know that you need to speak with her regarding the wedding and just be frank about the situation. Let her know that when you accepted, you didn't quite realize how stretched things would feel and since the issue of the dresses is probably just around the corner (she should really get on that right away, btw) you thought it best to let her know now that you simply can't do it. Please let her know how important it is to you that she realize it's not personal and offer to help her put together programs, be of assistance with her guestbook at the reception or whatever smaller task she may need help with on that day. You aren't trying to skirt wedding work- just wedding expenses.

People don't always realize that asking someone to be a bridesmaid is akin to asking them for about $1200. It's an honor, but an expensive honor and there is no shame in putting your mortgage first- as long as you are sweet about it!

Some brides, if they have the means, may offer to simply (and quietly) help you out with the dress/ your share of the expenses. If that's the case, you should take the help because it's her way of saying she just wants you to be a part of her day- a girl in the gaggle that surrounds her. Some brides may be in the BRIDE ZONE and not care about your "excuses" and be hurt and offended that you aren't putting her wedding first. Don't let yourself be caught up in that. The wedding stress will pass and she'll likely see the folly of her reaction and you'll be friends again in no time. If not, you will have to work at getting to a zen place about it.

I'm wishing you the best and I hope this goes well. You sound like a sensitive person and your intentions are sincere- so I"m sure that will come across to your friend the bride!