The Q:"One of my best friends from college is getting married. He and I were involved years ago (in a very messy way) but have remained close friends despite our sexual history. Five years after graduation we have stayed in touch, remained friends, and have been supportive of one-another.
I have invited him and his fiancee over for brunch, my friend and I see one another socially, and I have made an effort to befriend the fiancee. Several months ago, he and his fiancee invited me to their October wedding. As I am currently in a wonderful relationship of over two years and have no issues with my friend getting married, my boyfriend and I gladly accepted. Now, my friend's fiancee has demanded that I not attend their wedding! She has even threatened to post-pone the event if my friend refuses to uninvite me.
I'm extremely hurt and very angry. My friend and I have been close for almost ten years and have been with one another through thick and thin. We're both very loyal people and consider our friendship really important. I can't imagine not being there for the most important day of his life, and now I can't imagine going. What's worse is, I know his fiancee is trying to end our friendship.
I could use some advice on how to handle this horrible situation."
The A: Oh my god, it is horrible! And yet, I'm so sad to say, you are hardly the first girl that this has happened to. THE FOLLOWING IS MY PERSONAL ADVICE, since this is only quasi Wedding Etiquettte related:
It's the extension of the Harry and Sally dilemma of "Can Men and Women be Friends". It's like we figured out that, sure we can (though, truthfully, usually AFTER people have been involved) but then no one ever talks about what happens when anoter woman (OR MAN) gets involved.
I don't know what happened that set his fiancee "off"- meaning why she was cool with you and your attendance one minute and then not cool the next- but whatever it is, there is one really critical thing that you need to accept: She's going to be the wife. It totally blows (is that crude? sorry), but it does. Wifedom trumps friendship in the game of life. And if it doesn't, then they, as a couple, have other issues.
I went through heartbreak like this several times with friends and their new girlfriends/boyfriends or whomevers kind of coming in and changing or ending my friendships, but here is the only ONLY comforting news I can give you: You are still his friend even if she doesn't want you at the wedding and even if for the next year or so, he lays low and you don't see one another very much. You are still his friend as long as you are his friend in your heart, and he will still need your friendship in some way, shape or form now and in the future. Your friendship may not ever "look" like it did in recent memory- because these cross gender friendships change- inevitably- as our life stations change and new people become involved in our lives. But real friendship does endure and you'll see that in another couple of years.
So, practically speaking, what do you do now? Don't be dramatic- PLEASE! A situation went down like this amongst my friends a few years ago and the DRAMA that unfurled destroyed the friendship. But, calmly tell your friend (verballly- no emails PLEASE - for drama reasons) that you don't understand, but you respect his fiancee's decision and that you realize that maintaining your friendship might be difficult for a little while, but you hope that he and she can realize that your intentions are totally platonic and that eventually all four of you (including your boyfriend) can hang out and be friends.
This sounds ridiculous, because how could you not hate her for doing this to you? However, this is now your friends' wife and you kind of need to find the part of her that he loves and do your very best to love it. Like a family member. You didn't get to choose this girl or her attitude, but you are stuck with her if you want to keep your friendship.
You should send them a wedding gift if you can financially afford to do so (since you had planned on going originally anyway) and then lay low. Send them holiday cards and in a few months drop them an email and see how it goes, but for right now, focus on the other frienships in your life and think of this one as I think of Big Love- a wonderful treat that I have No Idea of when it will come back, if it will come back, but I totally enjoyed when it was around.