Bridal Party Reciprocity: Never a Bridesmaid

The Q: "My daughter's feelings are going to be hurt at my son's wedding. As their mother, it makes me feel very sad since they were so close when they were growing up. My daughter is seven years older than her brother and has been married for 5 years. At her wedding, her brother was a groomsman. She expects to be asked to be part of the wedding party. My future daughter-in-law only wants 3 of her friends to be her bridesmaids and my son agrees that his sister should not be an attendant given the fact she is older( 35) and married. Feelings are going to be very hurt and frankly, this issue is ruining the whole experience for me when I see my daughter being rejected by her brother. My question is what is the proper etiquette in such a case. Should I insist my son convince his fiancee. I must say it does not endear her
in my heart when she strongly refuses to welcome her future sister-in- law in her wedding attendants."
Sad Mom

The A: Hi Sad Mom. I'm sorry that you are feeling badly by this turn of events and I do hope that this doesn't ruin the wedding for you or for your daughter. However, I must tell you that it's totally within the rules of etiquette for your daughter to NOT be included as a bridesmaid, and frankly, to insist upon so would be out of line on your part. The selection of bridal attendants is primarily the job of the bride and she can include or exclude whomever she pleases. At this point, from you and your daughters perspective, the damage has already been done: the exclusion was made- I can't imagine it will feel any better or less weird if an arm was twisted to get the result that you want.

So, what now? Well, first, I wouldn't assume that because she isn't an attendant, that they are planning on excluding her. You should find out from your son what way they were thinking about incorporating his sister. You should let him know that it's a priority for your family that everyone feel included in the day and since his sister isn't going to be a bridesmaid, you wanted to know what they were thinking of doing. If they haven't thought about it, they might think about a reading, or a toast at the reception or something special.

I understand your hurt feelings: I totally didn't invite my sisters in law to be in my bridal party. I felt like I wanted to be surrounded by the girls that got me to that point, and not by people who were really a part of my husbands growing up. I know none of my in laws liked that decision, but I respected that no one said anything. My sisters in law did the readings at our mass and we acknowledged them at our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and in the program at our wedding. I don't think I would change my choice- I had a blast with my best girlfriends and closest confidants. Now, of course, I feel my sisters in law are part of my family- and my sisters, but that relationship really developed POST wedding as we joined our families.