Wedding Sponsors & Purse Strings

The Q: "My parents are offering to help fund a portion of wedding on one
condition: they are heavily suggesting/requesting that I have a sponsor
in my wedding party. At a traditional Filipino wedding, sponsors are
present to witness the union of the couple and symbolize guidance and
support. The thing is, I have clearly explained to my parents that my
fiance and I have agreed to a NON-TRADITIONAL wedding and a civil
ceremony. Yet they are still insisting on a traditional sponsor role. I
never planned on a sponsor, nor do I want a sponsor. I am worried that
if we agree to their wish, the guestlist might grow, another thing we do
not want. I'm also worried if we do not comply with their wishes, we
lose the opportunity of extra funds my parents are offering. Can you
please give suggestions on how to compromise with my parents without
things getting out of hand and family getting offended?

Double Edge Sword,
Jill in NYC"

The A:Jill, this is a tough one, because the person who controls the purse strings tends to be the person who controls the situation! So, I will offer up some tactics. First, I would say that you may want to give in on the sponsor situation regardless. Knowing Philipino culture, I think it would save a lot of hurt feelings to have sponsors, regardless of whether or not you have a civil ceremony. For readers who don't know, Sponsors are a cross between a wedding party and god parents. Typically, the position implies literally, sponsorship of elements of the wedding: paying for a DJ, paying for your wedding accessories, etc. In different families these elements can be more or less extravagant. Typically they are acknowledged, along with their gift in the ceremony program.

So, I would say this to you: I think that even if you got married in City Hall, you would need witnesses, and sponsors can help serve that role. So, what I think you should do is to let your parents know that you are happy to include sponsors in your wedding, but that you really don't want to budge on expanding the guestlist or on having a non-traditional wedding. I would suggest that maybe, if you are thinking non-traditional at your wedding, that you find a new way to acknowledge your sponsors at your reception- perhaps you have a program at your reception or a note of thanks on each guest table acknowledging your sponsors. Typically, I know that a large production is made at the start of the reception with sponsors being introduced and being part of a first dance with the bride and groom. If that's more traditional than what you would like to do, perhaps you can have a special slow dance later where you invite all of your sponsors to join you and your husband on the dancefloor- in a more low key acknowledgement of their contribution.

The truth is though, that taking cash often means taking input and weddings are really family affairs- especially for the bride's family. The truth is that hurt feelings about rejecting cultural traditions and family participation can last for years and years, so I think you both think about that as much (if not more) than weighing the value of financial contribution. I would tell you that the first thing that I would do is to determine what is more important to you: NOT having a church ceremony or NOT having any typical trappings of a Philipino reception. I would think about offering to flex on one or the other, but let your parents know that you want to put your own personal spin on the way that it's done. Perhaps you have a non religious ceremony in a non-denominational house of worship and have the laso as part of your ceremony.